I’ll apologize in advance for this one, it’s going to be plenty long and not plenty interesting, but whatever. It’s Tuesday evening, I’ve got nothing to do, that sucker MZ is at work, so it’s time to live it up. That’s right, live it up – by watching the Wizards/Heat game and doing a running commentary! Ow, yeah! And people say I don’t know how to have fun anymore. I’ve prepared for the evening in the only possible manner – by snacking on leftover pizza from Jerry’s while listening to Tigertown Pictures by Comet Gain. That always gets me pumped for some NBA basketball. I really should listen to MZ’s favorite bands more. They’re usually better than my favorite bands. There are some pretty eye-roll worthy lyrics throughout the album, but I forgive them. It’s good that not everyone is as absolutely self-conscious as folks like us.
And lest you think I actually would mention the fact that I’m eating Jerry’s pizza without explaining why, don’t worry. They have $5 pizzas on Monday nights, and as a Jew – especially one who subsists rather predominantly on pizza – I felt it was my duty to try it out at least once. Verdict? Yep, that’s what a $5 pizza tastes like. Just makes you really appreciate the mastery of this guy. Man, do I miss him. The only reason to live in Bethesda, right there. OK, let’s get this show on the road.
7:30 – The pre-game montages on the local cable channels are always quite entertaining. They try to make them as much like those ridiculously over-produced ones on the major networks, but have none of the equipment to do it. So instead, they constantly use that one effect where the edge of the screen is cloudy and the center is in focus. It’s sort of like the star-wipe of camera effects.
7:31 – Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier are the announcers for the evening. These guys fit every local announcer stereotype possible. You’ve got the dimunitive, overly enthusiastic, absolute homer in Buckhantz. He barks about every single foul call that doesn’t go the Wizards way, gets audibly depressed when things are going bad, and has a handful of ridiculous/hilarious catch phrases. “How do ya like that?!” “BACKbreaker!” And then you have Chenier, the guy who used to be the third best player on the team about 25 years ago and that alone has qualified him for this job. It’s not that he’s egregiously bad, but I’m not sure I’ve heard him say anything insightful. But then again, there’s not much to be insightful about when it comes to Wizards basketball.
7:38 – Another montage with the “cloudy” effect. There is a song that I know is very popular serving as the soundtrack to it, but I have no idea what it is. It could be Chingy or Cassidy or Crunkstein, I really have no clue. Hmm, I’m even more clueless than I thought. Quote Phil Chenier: “I really like that music.” But Phil isn’t that much hipper than me, because it turns out it’s “Going to Miami” by Will Smith. Ha. The Heat are using a starting a lineup with Rasual, Udonis, Shaquille and Dwyane. That is just fantastic stuff. There’s also an Eddie, for what it’s worth. The Wizards come back with a rather bland Brendan, Antawn, Michael, Gilbert and Larry. A little too boarding school for the NBA, if you ask me.
7:41 – As we get near actual tip-off, let me go on record and say that there is just no chance of the Wizards wining this game tonight. The Wizards are 2-1, and even their one loss they hung in there pretty well. But the important fact in that sentence is that it’s still the Wizards, and they are on the road against a very good team, so this one shouldn’t be too close. Predicted final score: Miami 99, Washington 86.
7:43 – Ooh, Phil Chenier just used the word “simularities” when comparing Dwyane Wade and Gilbert Arenas. I give him the benefit of the doubt, but then says “simular.” Microsoft Word changes both of those automatically. Chenier should consider running for office.
7:44 – The Buckhantz “Where was the foul?!” count starts very early. We’re on pace for 96. And that’s not even counting the one we just got: “And finally the foul was called!”
7:47 – We get the first “How do ya like that?!” after the refs actually call traveling on Shaq. Usually “How do ya like that?!” is a “throw-your-hands-up-in-the-air, what-can-you-do?”-type expression. This one is more, “Well, that’s interesting!” We’re only two minutes into the game and he’s already hit all of his major phrases. Buckhantz knows why people tune into Comcast SportsNet, and it sure as hell ain’t the Wizards.
7:48 – “Shaq just pushed Haywood!” exclaims Buckhantz. His voice suggests me might be ready to battle Shaq to avenge Brendan Haywood’s honor. Shaq has “slimmed down” to 325 pounds. I’m pretty sure that he eats as much in one meal as I do in two weeks. I’m very serious.
7:51 – Less than five minutes in and Shaq has two dunks and a lay up. Good to have you back, Brendan. We had reason to think things might be different. Brendan missed the first three games of the season due to a suspension he received for starting a fight in a preseason game. And his teammates have recently nicknamed him “The Hulk.” But no, apparently he’s still just “The Pansy.”
7:52 – First commercial. Music Choice, the digital cable radio stations, will be the commercial entertainment tonight, as we’ll check in on a few different channels. Alternative gives us “Anthem of Our Dying Day” by Story of the Year. I guess that emo-pop thing is still chugging along. I’m just waiting for a band with a day of the week in its title to record a song with “Anthem” in the title. That will be the ultimate emo-pop masterpiece. Retro-Active has “Alone Again Or” by The Damned. I admit I know very little of The Damned, but I did not think they were a pussy synth band, and that is surely what this song is. Interesting. Party Favorites comes through with “Runaround Sue” by Dion. For some reason I put this on the first mix tape I made for MZ. I’m not sure why. The ’90s channel has “Too Close” by Next. I won’t pretend to have any clue what that is.
7:55 – Here’s the kind of insight I was talking about with Phil Chenier. This is an exact quote: “Those are some real white shoes Shaq has on.”
7:59 – Apparently it’s pronounced “Ra-sool” Butler. I liked it a lot better when it was pronounced the way it looked. I mean, if you’re going to have a ridiculous name, why not have it pronounced ridiculously? Is that too much to ask?
8:01 – The commercials are already more exciting than the game. Alternative – “Sick Sad Little World” by Incubus. I know those boys mean well and all, but they still can’t write anything even resembling a good song. I guess it doesn’t matter as long as Brandon Boyd keeps leaving that shirt unbuttoned, though. Retro-Active – “Oh’l’amour” by Erasure. You know, this song would be perfect if only it had just a little more gay keyboard.
8:05 – Dwyane Wade is a whole lot better than Gilbert Arenas. He’s just a lot more in control and always seems to know what he’s doing next, which is generally a good quality for a point guard to have. This does make a whole lot of sense, though, considering that Gil is completely insane, and was of course a member of the SD pre-season All-Insanity team.
8:10 – The way things are going right now, this is going to become a running commentary on the Country Music Awards, or anything other than this game. The Heat lead 22-16 after one. The Wizards are 6 for 20something from the field. It’s NBA basketball at its worst. And it’s making me sleepy. And want to go sit on the couch. But I will stay strong.
8:16 – The Wizards haven’t scored a basket in six minutes. This is getting really pathetic, and Steve Buckhantz has already started using his depressed voice. The Heat reserves check in, and feature names like Keyon and Malik. What a great team. Buckhantz calls a missed goaltending call on Shaq “embarrassing.” He challenges the head referee to a duel.
8:20 – I accidentally hit 441 istead of 414 and go to the Sounds of the Season channel. It’s Harry Connick Jr. singing Christmas music and I am frightened. Alternative has “Fall Behind Me” by The Donnas and the fear goes away only to be replaced by a slight feeling of repulsion. Not much, just slight, but still there. Scandal’s “The Warrior” on Retro-Active cures what ails me, though. That’s McEnroe’s wife singing! You know, I think more people actually read this blog than watch McEnroe.
8:22 – MZ would be a better free throw shooter than Shaq. I’m serious. And I know she would suck pretty bad.
8:25 – That’s what I’m talking about with Gilbert. He improbably manages to dribble through half the defense, gets into the lane and just sort of jumps in the air and tosses the ball straight in the air, crashes into Shaq and gets called for charging. I hope the Wizards can trade him at some point and turn the point guard reigns over to the Unfrozen Caveman Point Guard.
8:27 – Alternative gives us “Silence Is Easy” by Starsailor. The reason I just can’t trust any music out of England any more. Because too much of it sounds like this crap. Retro-Active – “What About Love” by ‘Til Tuesday. The thing about Music Choice is that they will so play ‘Til Tuesday and not even think about playing “Voices Carry.” That’s just the way Music Choice works.
8:36 – Gilbert commits a backcourt violation, which happens about once every 17 games. The Wizards have more turnovers than baskets. I am considering watching The George Lopez show even though I have no idea who George Lopez is, let alone why he has his own show.
8:39 – We’re in one of those stretches now where the Wizards miss three shots in a row and the Heat make a few in a row, and Steve and Phil go completely silent for a full minute while Steve teeters on the edge of rage and heartbreak.
8:43 – The Heat are up by 13 at the half, 50-37, and this game just sucks. There’s no other way to put it. On the bright side, my prediction is looking pretty right on at the moment. Halftime is well timed because I’m completely distracted by John Dugan’s blog at the moment. He’s very psyched for an upcoming Devendra Banhart gig. Eh. John used to do production work at my college newspaper when I worked there. We used to tease him by showing him pictures like this. Ah, those were the days.
8:47 – Your choices on the major networks right now: The Biggest Loser, Rebel Billionaire, The “George Lopez” Show and The Country Music Awards. Wow. When’s Jack Bauer coming back? Richard Branson is having tea in a hot air balloon with a couple of people right now. “Brilliant, absolutely brilliant,” he says. And you know what, I have to agree.
8:53 – Social Distortion’s “I Was Wrong” has a pretty great guitar tone.
9:01 – Things pick up where they left off with Haywood not displaying the most basic of basketball skills: being able to CATCH THE BASKETBALL. Wade steals it and takes it the other way for a lay up. I was thinking of trying to win a date with Brendan tomorrow night but after his performance tonight, I’m certainly going to have to reconsider. I’m pretty sure that MZ will still be heading down there, though.
9:04 – Music Choice comes through! “I’d rather be … I’d rather be with …” “Animal,” a song I certainly haven’t heard … since the last time I heard on Music Choice, probably a year or so ago. At the time it came out, this album sold more copies in its first week than any album ever. That’s pretty hard to believe right now. Not that Pearl Jam was that popular, but more that a rock band was that popular.
9:07 – Once again, Brendan cannot catch a pass that is thrown perfectly to him. Ten seconds later he jumps for a rebound and instead of grabbing the ball, just punches it. Yes, this is the guy who just signed a contract worth $16 million.
9:13 – The Wizards are down by 18 after Adorable Adrian Udonis Haslem dunks over Brendan Haywood. Man, if that O.C. DVD from Netflix came in the mail today I would so be watching that right now. I played little league baseball with this guy for five years from like 3rd grade through 8th grade. That just adds another element.
9:18 – There is no doubt I’d rather have Dwyane Wade than Gilbert Arenas. In fact, at this point I’m not so sure there are more than five or six players I’d rather have than Dwyane Wade. The Wizards are losing by 22. Buckhantz just gave us another “how do ya like that?!” Only number two tonight. With the blow out, we won’t get to hear any “DAGGER!” or “BACKbreaker!” which is too bad. The Wizards best player right now is Anthony Peeler. That’s never a good sign, when your best player is a guy best known for elbowing another player in the groin.
9:25 – The Wizards are down by 24 after three quarters. I don’t much like their chances tonight. Meanwhile on CBS, some guy in a cowboy hat is singing a song on the Country Music Awards. Shocking, I know. He sings: “My heart is empty as a Monday morning church/Used to be so full of faith but now it just hurts.” This is the crap that those 59,729,952 people listen to, isn’t it? I am not exaggerating when I say that music like this offends me just as much as gay marriage offends them. Decent taste in music is one of the most important moral values to me. So can we push for a state law to ban crap like this? And if we could sneak The Polyphonic Spree on there too, I’d be fine with that.
9:31 – Shaq throws up a brick, and simply grabs the rebound and dunks. On the other end, Jared Jeffries falls down as he tries to shoot it. Yeah, this is the Wizards team I remember from … my entire life. Good to have you back, boys. I’m glad that you still want me to be able to get $125 tickets for $25 outside the arena five minutes before the game. Very thoughtful, I appreciate it.
9:34 – This is very bad. That “My heart is empty like a Monday morning church” song is very stuck in my head right now. What’s Music Choice got for me? The Beta Band? Next. Belouis Some. Who? I swear Music Choice is making these bands up sometimes. Apparently they are best known for contributing to the Pretty in Pink soundtrack. “Praise You”? Well, I guess that will have to do for now.
9:38 – Always the optimist, Buckhantz claims the Wizards are “hanging in there” as they go to commercial with 7 minutes left and the Wizards down 94-71. The Vines are on Music Choice. It quickly changes. Whew, close one. It changes to Radio 4. Yikes. As horrible as I remember it being. Actually, it’s worse. Let’s get them on that Alan Jackson initiative.
9:42 – Samaki Walker is on fire! That’s the time I get to say that this year. Ah, that was fun.
9:45 – Holy crap, Peter John Ramos gets on the floor. And he has to guard Shaq. He looks absolutely terrified. It’s 98-85 Heat right now. That’s pretty damn close to my predicition, if I may say so myself. The Heat are just totally uninterested now, and I don’t blame them. There are clubs to hit and posses to coordinate.
9:50 – Where do these bands comes from? The Shore? It makes Richard Ashcroft’s solo album sound exciting. And we all know how piss poor that record was.
9:53 – Peter John Ramos with a monster jam! I like this guy. For some reason I thought he’d be whiter. I’m not sure why. I’m glad he isn’t. Damn, he hits a 15-foot jumper and Buckhantz declares him “the next great 7-foot-3 Puerto Rican-born center.”
9:58 – It’s finally over, 103-93 Heat in a game nowhere even near that close. What have we learned tonight? Not much, actually. Just a few things that are reinforced. Such as: 1) Brendan Haywood is a Grade A chump, 2) Dwyane Wade can spell his name however the fuck he wants, he can get away with it, 3) Shaq has some very white shoes, 4) Radio 4 really is that horrible, 5) There is someone named George Lopez who has his own show on ABC. 6) I can write nearly 3,000 words on anything if you just give me the chance.
--DM--
Good job, Dave. I spent about three minutes skimming over your minute-to-minute account, which is officially 2:30 longer than I spend watching the Wizards on TV.
Posted by: Sara | November 10, 2004 at 03:17 PM