As promised, we begin our countdown of the worst modern rock lyricists of the ’90s. Coming in at #5, we have the Canadian croaker, the woman who taught young ladies that it was OK not to know what the fuck irony actually meant, and that it was also OK to give blow jobs to Uncle Joey, as long as you got really angry afterwards and wrote a horrible song about it. That’s right, we kick things off with none other than Alanis Morissette.
We’ll use the entirety of the lyrics to her hit “Hand In My Pocket” as the evidence of her dreadfulness. It should more than suffice, but know that there is plenty more where that came from.
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...
So there you have it. I think my favorite is when she shifts from “what it all comes down to” to “what it all boils down to.” That’s slick. This is a good representation for Alanis because she’s a very formulaic lyricist, meaning that almost every song of hers just repeats the same fucking idea over and over again. You see how she does it above. In “You Learn” she recommends lots of things (getting your heart trampled on, walking around naked in your living room, sticking your foot in your mouth, etc.) then she tells us how you (verb) then, invariably, you learn. On her next album, she keeps the same basic template, but you can see some “growth.” In “Thank U,” she’s really into the “how ’bouts.” Such as “how ’bout them transparent dangling carrots,” which conveys a pure utter senselessness that was no doubt inspired by Thom Yorke (after all, the two were touring partners for the better part of a year back in 1995 or 1996). Then there’s “how ’bout me not blaming you for everything.” Wow, Alanis. I’m impressed. What happened to that youthful rage? I guess, you live … and you learn.
It was at this point that I was going to follow MZ’s lead and post something from my high school days – in this case an “article” I wrote in my high school newspaper about my disdain for Alanis – but after reading it, I’ve decided it’s probably wise to skip that part. My problem was that not only was I not as funny and clever as MZ, but I thought I had those qualities in abundance. I will give you the headline, which was easily the best part of the article:
I’m Popular But I Really Suck: The Story of Alanis
And don’t worry. You’ll get a taste of my high school hilarity later on in the countdown. I promise. Instead, for your amusement, may we direct you to the Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator, which is basically Alanis Mad Libs. Feel free to share your results!
--DM--
by David Neilsen
"Why"
Pepperonis, mushrooms, deliverymen
Why God, Why?
Mushrooms, guyswhotakeorders, bad pizza
Why God, Why?
What have I done to deserve this blue horror?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of bad pizza
Like a shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?
Cheeses, pepperonis, dysentery
Why God, Why?
Bad pizza, dysentery, deliverymen
Why God, Why?
What have I done to deserve this blue disaster that is my life?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of bad pizza
Like a shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?
What have I done to deserve this blue misery?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of bad pizza
Like a shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Posted by: | February 22, 2005 at 11:28 AM
what?
Posted by: PS | February 22, 2005 at 12:10 PM
that was an example of the alanis random generator. that one sort of reminded me of an adam sandler song, though.
Posted by: DM | February 22, 2005 at 12:19 PM
Not that this is related to her awful writing, but she's also a really pathetic harmonica player. Imagine the sound a parapalegic epileptic might make if somene stuck a blues harp in their mouth mid-seizure and you get a pretty good idea of the desperate, tuneless wheezing she's capable of. Oddly, as a person she seems like she's pretty cool, self-effacing in a seemingly real way and not too full of shit. "Isn't it ironic?"
Posted by: | February 25, 2005 at 10:12 AM
when she appeared on curb your enthusiasm a while back, pretty much all of the ill feelings i had toward alanis dissipated. she was very amusing on there. although she receives no credit for her multiple film appearances as god, although that's more on kevin smith than her.
Posted by: DM | February 25, 2005 at 11:03 AM
"I Think"
I Think Syrups are really a huge problem
I Think Eskimos are too much on my mind
I Think Maples have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?
Like a Red rain, beating down on me
Like a ee cummings line, which won't let go of my brain
Like Erin's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Canada
Blame it on Canada
Blame it on Canada
I Think The Kids in the Hall are gonna drive us all crazy
And Canadians make me feel like a child
I Think Canadiennes will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do? I said what can you do?
Like a Red rain, beating down on me
Like a ee cummings line, which won't let go of my brain
Like Erin's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Canada
Blame it on Canada
Blame it on Canada
Like a Red rain, beating down on me
Like Erin's smile, cruel and cold
Like ee cummings's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Canada
Blame it on Canada
Blame it on Canada
Posted by: MA | May 09, 2005 at 09:44 AM
"Will to Live"
I feel miserable
Money make me ill
I feel miserable
Menorahs tear at my foundations
I feel miserable
Torahs are dragging me down to the depths of misery
I want to die
Is it because of Jews that I feel this way?
With the red rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Or am I lost in tale of Maya Angelou, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.
Carol Broke My Will to Live
Carol Broke My Will to Live
Carol Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Carol Broke My Will to Live
I feel miserable
Earlocks rot the flesh from my bones
I feel miserable
Noses defeat my purpose
I feel miserable
Ovens are doing their best to impale my soul
I want to die
Is it because of Jews that I feel this way?
With the red rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Am I lost in tale of Maya Angelou, adrift far from home
I don't think so, I don't think so.
Carol Broke My Will to Live
Carol Broke My Will to Live
Oh God, Carol Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Carol Broke My Will to Live
Posted by: mark | December 12, 2005 at 09:21 PM
OK a lot of bad songs' Examples!!!
The worst part... There will always be more awful songs!!!
Posted by: miami air conditioning | February 27, 2011 at 01:53 PM
Sometimes art does not have a specific shape or it has to have a meaning just like this song im looking at here she must have wrote it in one of those moments you dont even know what you want however i still apreciate the fact that she took her time to do it, i like this blog is interesting.
Posted by: miami air conditioning | March 25, 2011 at 06:14 PM