The Five Worst Modern Rock Lyricists of the '90s: #1

There was never any doubt, really.

Out of all of the terrible bands to emerge from the alternative boom of last decade -- and lord knows there was no shortage of them -- there was one that stood above the rest. The one band with absolutely no redeeming qualities -- shitty music, shitty lyrics, ugly as sin, and just so painfully awful that even making fun of them didn't quite work. This was no laughing matter. I am speaking, of course, about Live.

Frontman Ed Kowalczyk's lyrics may not have had that horrible-high-school poetry quality like Trent Reznor's (or Billy Corgan's), and weren't hopelessly derivative and empty like Gavin Rossdale's, but they were plenty awful in their own way. And since he is responsible for the worst lyric (and just about the worst song) of the entire decade -- perhaps the history of music -- it is with great ease and certainty that I can say the following: Ed Kowalczyk, you stupid, one-time-rattail-sporting motherfucker, you are The Worst Modern Rock Lyricist of the '90s.

Like most of the bands on this list, Live had an enormous amount of success with their breakthrough album, scoring four pretty major hits, and maybe even a fifth smaller one. I remember there being a video for "White, Discussion," but the scars of that one aren't as bad as the other four from Throwing Copper. "Selling the Drama" was the first single, and let's take a quick look:

And to love: a god
And to fear: a flame
And to burn a crowd that has a name
And to right or wrong
And to meek or strong
It is known, just scream it from the wall

Hey, now we won't be raped
Hey, now we won't be scarred like that

You've got the classic "repeat the same crap" beginning, with bonus points for ridiculous religious imagery, then you've got a chorus that talks about rape. Brilliant. Yet they managed to have many more hits on their hands, including...

Lightning crashes, a new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor

That's it, right there. It just doesn't get any worse than that. When most people think of someone who is evil, they think of someone like Osama bin Laden, or Dick Cheney. Usually it's one or the other. But for me, it's Ed Kowalczyk, and it's mostly thanks to that line. "Her placenta falls to the floor." I mean, really, folks. There's just no need to go on after that. So I won't. If that was the only line ever penned by Kowalczyk, there's a good chance he'd still top this list. Fuck you, baldy.

--DM--

Comments

[MZ]

That was beautiful.

[jm]

unless i'm mistaken, he also had a song about dolphins crying. not that i own that record, or a tshirt bearing its name. (i swear!)

[ZR]

Birds of Pray

[Mo Fo]

You guys are all crazy -- This is all gold.

MJT

[fred]

You ass hole

whoever wrote this is obviously an idiot trying to bait people into getting pissed off

[PS]

omigod! you like ed kowalczyk's lyrics! bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[loz]

u know, i wasnt actually going to bother posting, but could u do better than ed? can u sing better than him? and by stooping to a low level and calling him names and whatever, does that make u better than him? goodluck to you, ed has more fans than u ever will.

Ah, a fine argument for the death of the critic. Inability to best one's subject precludes a right or capacity to find fault. Fascinating. In this particular case, however, the subject, Ed Kowalczyk, has the lyrical ability of those kids on Nanny 911 last night, so it's not so hard to
"do better." Also, in my experience, he rarely sings as though he has an inoperable bowel obstruction. So that's a feather in his cap. Also, while total Accents fans < Live fans, total Accents fans that merit unrelenting derision > total Live fans in the same category.

"he" in the fifth sentence refers to DM.

Also, the second > should be a <. Sorry, I came in to work drunk this morning.

people often criticize or deride what they don't understand. in my opinion, ed's lyrics could be poetry. there are thousands of fans who relate well to live's sound and lyrics.

you are entitled to your opinion. but why do you swear at ed? seems like you have a problem with him personally.

[ZR]

Did a Live messageboard find this post or something?

[MZ]

I do have an extreme problem with him personally, because every time I hear the "placenta" lyric I become severely nauseated... and that adds up to at least several dozens of upset stomachs for which he is solely responsible.

...and yes, a Live messageboard did find this post. I can't actually read their comments on it, since apparently you have to register, but it's something called "SOY"- for Straight Outta York.

If you guys want something else to complain about, I would argue that not only is EK the worst lyricist of the '90s, Live was also the worst band of that (or perhaps ANY) era.

Good to be back...

What makes you so nauseated? Do you object to the scientific term?

I find birth beautiful. The imagery is striking and powerful. Rock is often about shock value. Have you seen the video to more fully understand what Ed is trying to communicate? It is deep. That I will grant you. Not your average sunday driving groove tune.. but it struck a chord with alot of people. Why do you think it did?

You have a right to your opinion. I am just upset by someone who really seems to want to attack a person like you do. I mean.... I can't stand Rush ..... but I don't harbor any ill will toward the band members.

Now that I have reread your original post and you compare EK with Osama bin Laden. I think I will just leave. Sorry I tried to engage in discussion here.

[PS]

the internet has reached new levels of awesome.

[MZ]

I'm just sorry that no one's picked up on the fact that we did another 4 profiles in this series- imagine the fun if we also had rabid nin fans defending Trent's poetic efforts.

You could argue that birth is beautiful (though I'd still disagree), but I don't think you're going to sell anyone on the idea that AFTERBIRTH is beautiful.

i'll bet you could find a nin fan who'd argue of the intrinsic aesthetic value of afterbirth - ya know, in a spooky kinda way - but alas, the nin fans of the world are likely to be too busy playing quake and not getting laid to be bothered with commenting on such things. it should also be noted that osama bin laden is a greater man than EK if only for the fact he doesn't live in York PA. i've been there. that place sucks about a million times more than flying some planes into some shit (if you can quantify these things).

[AB]

First up BITE ME!!!!!! Secondly yeah the lyrics can be out there but get over it! Third, birth is why you're here PLACENTA and all. Fourth, as it happens I think NIN rocks! so again BITE ME! Kiss my lily-white regularly getting laid arse! Thank-you and goodnight....

Know what I love, is when people protest something, and then the things they say are so stupid that they reaffirm the thing they are protesting. Like when someone points out that lyrics are written at the level of a second grader, and then someone says, "nope, they speak to me," but in the process shows they have the intellect of a second grader. Don't you love that? Like when how we are all born, and isn't that beautiful and, thus, inherently a good lyric?

[AMM]

I may get fried for this over at the boards, but since I really don't give a shit, I'm just going to say it...

I'd like to apologize to the owner of this blog for this whole thing even being discovered and posted to the message board. I tried repeatedly to point out to people that this is your personal blog and therefore, your god given right to say what you want about who you want regardless of whether or not someone disagrees.

I happen to be a Live fan and am of the opinion that some of Ed's lyrics are truly beautiful and empowering. And while "Lightning Crashes" makes me cringe everytime I hear the opening chords if only for the way modern rock radio overplayed the shit out of it in the early 90s, I still think that the song itself is touching. I happen to be a much bigger fan of the earlier stuff and find that the Mental Jewelry album (which was their first) is still the best thing they ever recorded. Perhaps if you listened to a song like "The Beauty of Grey" or even "You Are the World", you might change your opinion of Ed as a lyricist, but even if it didn't... That's what's so great about having your own opinion! If we didn't have diversity, it'd be a pretty bland fucking world.

That being said, I again apologize for having your blog trolled around in. While I didn't particularly agree with what you had to say, I find your wit and flare for the written word, pretty freaking amusing, myself. :)

[ZR]

Seriously, this has to be the greatest extended blog post in the history of blog posts.

[DM]

Man, I leave the continent for a couple of weeks and become public enemy #1 for Live fans across the world. It's like that beautiful dream I used to have!

As for AMM apologizing on behalf of Live fans, I appreciate it, but there's really no need. This thread has been damn entertaining, and I'm pretty sure that I have pissed off more than I have been pissed off. That's all you can ask for with a blog like this, y'know?

And for the record, no, Ed is not worse than Osama bin Laden. But he is worse than al-Zarqawi.

[Marine]

From a Marine to a Moron! You are the Fucking asshole.

[MZ]

Who called Ed a fucking asshole? I believe he was referred to as a "stupid, one-time rattail wearing motherfucker." I can assure you that no one associated with this site has ever worn a rattail, so that's not really a charge you can level at us. Also, congratulations- out of all of the Live defenders, your post was the most pointless. I didn't think anyone was going to beat out the bite me twice person, but your charming combination of hostility, minimal literacy, and a complete lack of anything to say now reigns supreme.

Note to people who actually read this site: I wasn't kidding about the martyrdom thing- now I'm baiting Live fans with access to actual armories. Call me reckless, call me foolish... at least I've finally found something I believe in.

[MA]

This is our military. People like my cousin who joined the Navy because he thought it would be a good way to get free drinks and loose women at bars.

[Oy Vey]

Oooh, wow. Nice alliteration there. Marine. Moron. I bet he took great pride on that. Then again, the Marines aren't known to be the brightest branch of the armed forces tree. More like the branch that thinks it's the most badass--and apparently likes the most ass bad lyrics. I came across this blog a couple of weeks ago, and let me say that you all--bloggers and commentors(?), er, commentators(?), whatever--have kept me in stiches ever since. None has kept me laughing for as long as this extended, post/rant/battle. I mean, really, come on kids. Maybe "Live" is your favorite band ever, but really, are you personally offended by this? Keep fighting the good fight, SD gang.

[tippy]

Let's see your lyrics, genius.

[david]

im actually a live fan and i dont have a problem with bashing the band as i do it more than often, but not for the songs you mentioned (as they are amoung the best they've made). But When i bash their songs i give reasons for it.....e.g in the song century there is a line "Puke stinks like beer".!! WTF? A silly line made for shock value and some dumb attempt to sound potent. This kind of songwriting is uninformative and not even interesting. Let alone laughable.

You tried to critizise all of their lyrics but all you said after quoting them was ..."Come on...enough said." or "need i say more?"........well, yes....you do. explain yourself you fucking quack.

[MZ]

Look guy, this post went up in February. The conversation about it ended in May. If you think we're going to revisit the issue six months later because your message board just discovered us, you're sorely mistaken.
To us, the material quoted above clearly qualifies as the worst lyrics ever written. That one about the beer actually isn't so bad- at least it's visceral, and probably true.
Merry Christmas, hope you get some taste.
MZ

[ZR]

PWNED

[Hoot]

Wow, you are just really, really clueless....and sad. I actually don't think you would know good lyrics if you tripped over them. In reality, you are just probably too stupid to understand them.

Hold on, lets dig this up again.

OMG LIVE!!!

[Wayne Mcdonald]

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[Carmen Pierce]

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[Donn Kinney]

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[sonnetlikesonnet]

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[Tanya]

You discusting distasteful piece of shit, live are one of the greatest bands in history, and this song is great.
You wouldnt know a good song/ lyrics if if came up to you and gave you a blow job using its teeth.
Seriously what the fuck?
i am really pissed off by this, i wouldnt normally be pissed off about a stupid brainless idiot over the internet, but fuck! you are just a cocktong in the buffet of life

[OveleVapsep]

A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.

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[claus]

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