Getting to Know The Wizards a Little Better

I hope you all enjoyed MZ’s account of the Wizards game last night. Because it’s just the beginning, as you can expect plenty more coverage of your Washington Wizards here on SD. I know that for many of you this is somewhat disappointing. You want less sports coverage on SD. Well, sorry folks. Tell ZR and MZ to write more, or something. This site was created with one main purpose – to entertain myself. And so if I want to write about the Wizards, then damn it, I’m gonna write about the Wizards.

But I do care about the non-sports readership. And that brings us to today’s post. Since you can certainly count on lots of Wizards-related ramblings, I figured it might be a good idea to try and make the team a bit more tangible to you. So that’s why I’m digging up an old idea and making it work for the Wizards. So I present the playoff-bound Washington Wizards as indie-rock(ish) bands.

Gilbert Arenas is The White Stripes
Just as the White Stripes went from a promising band on tiny Sympathy for the Record Industry to taking over the rock world, Gilbert went from being a second-round pick of the Golden State Warriors to becoming one of the top players in the league. Both caught people off guard with their early feats. The simple power of the guitar/drums attack on De Stijl was a wake-up call to many. Meanwhile, Gilbert exceeded all expectations in his first couple seasons with Golden State, capturing the league’s Most Improved Player award in his second season.

Both truly blossomed as they moved to the bigger stage, though. Gilbert took the big money from the Wizards and after a shaky, injury-filled first season, he has emerged as one of the brightest stars in the league, ranking 7th in the league in scoring, behind only Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dirk Nowitzki, Amare Stoudemire and Tracy McGrady. Once the White Stripes moved to a major label they dropped White Blood Cells and Elephant, two damn awesome records.

Both are with their flaws, of course. Gilbert has a bit of a temper, as he has been known to argue with refs and get ejected from games on occasion. Jack White has a bit of a temper, too. Just ask this guy. They also have questionable judgment. Gilbert was arrested in the offseason for driving around with an unregistered handgun sitting on his passenger seat. Jack White dated Renee Zellweger. But overall, both are truly at the tops of their respected fields and are young enough to continue blowing our minds for years to come.

Larry Hughes is The Shins

Larry Hughes is a very, very good player. Some people think he’s a great player. I’m not one of them. I think he does a lot of things very well, and he’s an integral part of the team. But there’s just something about him that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s his constant whining to the officials, or the fact that unlike Gil or ‘Tawn of Brendan, he rarely cracks a smile. I’m still a big supporter and the Wiz are screwed if they can’t bring him back over the summer, but still, he’s a second-tier guy to me.

The Shins are a very good band. Some people think they are a great band. I’m not one of them. There’s no doubt that they are much better than most bands out there, and I have both of their albums and enjoy them and break them out fairly often. But I just don’t adore them the way some people do. I know that the fact that they are understated is part of what makes them good, but it also means they’ve never really grabbed me. And there is a certain lack of humor about them. Not that they are over-serious or anything, but when I interviewed James Mercer back in college, I remember him being one of my blander interview subjects. And the whole Modest Mouse connection is kind of a drag, too.

Antawn Jamison is Yo La Tengo

Before suffering a knee injury last month, Antawn played in 386 consecutive games, which was the longest active streak in the league. He comes to play every day and goes about his business with a workmanlike attitude. He’s put up very solid if not quite spectacular numbers throughout his entire career, but because he’s never played on a great team, he’s never received the recognition that he deserves. He will never be a truly great player, but he gets the most out of his abilities and is a steadying presence on the Wiz.

Yo La Tengo is a very workmanlike band. They’ve been around for more than 20 years, consistently releasing albums that are almost always very good, if never quite revelatory. This has kept them from really blowing up, but they are certainly favorites of critics and those (older) hipsters. Just like Jamison is starting to get his most recognition well into his career, it was with 1993’s Painful that Yo La Tengo started to get proper recognition. Both are very easy to root for because they go about things with an understated grace.

Kwame Brown is Interpol

When it comes down to it, Kwame Brown isn’t a terrible player. He certainly has his flaws, but he’s just not as bad as the hometown crowd would like to think he is. That said, he’s really not that good, either. He makes mistakes he shouldn’t be making after four years in the league and has a real knack for making absolutely stunningly stupid mistakes on defense. But Kwame will always be judged as a #1 overall pick. When you chosen first overall, you have a lot of hype to live up to. And he clearly does not live up to the hype or really anything close.

Meanwhile, Interpol really isn’t that terrible of a band. I’d argue there are plenty that are worse. There are a handful of songs of that first album that are downright listenable. They’re probably better than Bloc Party, if that means anything. But when judging Interpol, you can’t help but to include the hype and stupidity. If you are going to be hailed as rock’s saviors and be on the cover of lots of magazines and all that shit, prepare to be hated on. If you are going to wear holsters as accessories and dress in suits all the time and give yourself ridiculous facial hair, prepare to be hated on. Neither Interpol or Kwame are as bad as some would like you to think, but they deserve everything coming to them.

Brendan Haywood is The Flaming Lips

Ok, stay with me on this one here. First off, I’m talking about pre-Soft Bulletin Lips. Everything after that, that’s not the Flaming Lips, that’s … something else. So with that in mind … I had basically given up on Brendan before this year. He’d been in the league for three seasons, which isn’t that long, but he still never showed me any signs that he’d be a productive player in the league, although with big men, sometimes you have to be patient. He was maddeningly inconsistent, showing flashes of greatness one game and then disappearing for the next four games. Then all of a sudden, something happened and he became good this year. In fact, he’s almost really good. Even though he was still young, I had all but given up on him, and then he improves exponentially and turns out to be quite a likeable fellow, too.

I won’t pretend to have known the Flaming Lips in the late-’80s (the ALF years, if you will), but going back and listening to that stuff now, they sure had a bunch of albums under their belt that didn’t really make it seem like they would be a name worth remembering. Everything before Priest Driven Ambulance is uneven to say the least, so even though they were still young and seemed to be on the right track, there wasn’t much reason to hold out lots of hope. But then PDA happened and you took notice. And then Hit Death to the Future followed by Transmissions and Clouds and my lord, you’ve got arguably one of the top bands of the decade! This is not to say that Brendan will be the next Hakeem Olajuwon (although he’s really got that baby hook down), but still.

Juan Dixon is Tuscadero

Juan is a local favorite. When he was at Maryland, how could you not love him? He was an underdog with a great story, as both of his parents died from AIDS (well, not a great story, but you know what I mean), he wasn’t highly recruited, but he went on to become the school’s all-time leading scorer while bringing him the school’s first ever championship in his senior season. Storybook stuff. But then he took the next step and went to the Wiz and you start to realize something. He’s not that good. He can’t really create his own shot, he doesn’t make nearly enough of his open shots, he’s a huge liability on defense. Juan’s contract is up after this year, and bringing him back certainly isn’t the Wizards biggest offseason priority.

Tuscadero was a local favorite. Juan had a good story, Tuscadero had a good gimmick. Get this – instead of guys who sang and wrote the songs and played guitar, Tuscadero had girls who did this! Imagine that! Girls! With boobs! Who didn’t enjoy a Tuscadero show back in those halcyon days of 1993-1994? Alongside Unrest they made Teenbeat a beloved indie label. But then they signed to Elektra and something weird happened. They took The Pink Album, fancied it up and … well, it didn’t really sound that good. And it made you think, was it ever really that good to begin with? The move to the big time came with big hopes, but after just one more album, the band was done.

Steve Blake is The Rondelles

Like Juan, Steve was a local, but never received the same amount of adoration. He came to the scene a little later than Juan, graduating the year after the Terps won the title. (Although he was still a huge part of the championship team, obviously.) And while he always played second fiddle to Juan, those in the know could see that he was like Juan, only better. He was a much better ball-handler, could create shots for his teammates, and has even turned into a better shooter than Juan. No one will ever confuse Steve with a great player, but for a backup point guard, he’s exactly what you want.

The Rondelles came on the scene as Tuscadero was entering its final days. Because they were also a D.C.-based, girl-fronted indie-pop band, the comparisons were inevitable. But while Tuscadero always had kind of a flimsy sound, The Rondelles could bring the rock. Who can resist “Mission: Irresistible” and “Fake Fight” from that first record? They still never received the same fandom as Tuscadero, but there was little question as to who was ultimately the better band.

Michael Ruffin is The Mattoid

Michael Ruffin is ugly and bald. And he doesn’t really have any talent when it comes to playing basketball. Sure, he gets steals and rebounds and stuff. But the man has no offensive skills to speak of, whatsoever. Still, there’s just something about him that lets him win you over with his charm. He works harder than everyone else on the floor and certainly gets the most out of his abilities. And he inspires me to go “RuffRuffRuff!” at the TV.

The Mattoid is ugly and bald. And he doesn’t really have any musical talent. Sure he can write a catchy keyboard line here or there, but just about anyone can do that. But when listening to his record, there’s undoubtedly a certain charm to it. It’s because he’s so obviously not blessed with that much natural ability that his songs win you over. He really means it. Also, he has a very gruff voice, which is sort of like going “RuffRuffRuff!”

Laron Profit is Lungfish
LaRon Profit? The dude who went to Maryland way back in the day? What? He’s still around? He’s not any good, is he? Ok, that’s what I thought?

Lungfish? That crappy post-punk band from Baltimore? What? They’re still around? Really? They still suck, right? Ok, just making sure.

If people really want me to come up with write-ups for Jared Jeffries, Etan Thomas, Jarvis Hayes, Anthony Peeler, Damone Brown and Peter John Ramos, let me know. I’ll probably do it anyway.

--DM--

Comments

[jm]

I'm sure that there is a band out there with the word "Caveman" in its name that you could have used for Steve Blake, aka, Unfrozen Caveman Point Guard.

I've never heard any songs by the Interpols, but if yr comparing them to Kwame Brown, then they must suck it pretty hard.

[ZR]

Oh, they do, believe me. And I think I will now start referring to them exclusively as "the Interpols."

[bv]

at this point, i don't think you have a choice but to finish off the roster.

[D]

LOL, this is really funny, Michael Ruffin has some offensive talent I seen him all 82 games. And steve blake's jumper is alot worse than juan's, finish off the roster lol.

-die hard wizards fan

[Ruffy]

I want peter john ramos
and by the way does anyone have an official fan site for mikey ruffin? if not im ur guy!!

[rick ulrich]

rick frickin ulrich i disagree about ur thoughts on the one and only michael ruffin he is clearly a good looking guy and he has offensive skills. I copare him to tom cruise if neone.

[Thaddeus Brandt]

Taking from personal experience, i would clearly not hesitate to spend a night with the gorgeous Michael "Mad man in the bed" Ruffin. I am their personal maid, and believe me, I know what mike's got up his pants (wink wink) and personally, ruffy has some offensive moves, how do u think that he got his wife, yowza. Mike Ruffin is an amazing god!

[rick ulrich]

dribble dribble bounce bounce down the court he glides with ease. He runs he dunks he passes hes amazing theres nothin the guy cant do!

MIKE RUFFIN hes my man if he cant do it no one can!

[rick ulrich]

dribble dribble bounce bounce down the court he glides with ease. He runs he dunks he passes hes amazing theres nothin the guy cant do!

MIKE RUFFIN hes my man if he cant do it no one can!

[rick brandt]

screw basketball go dodge rams

[eddie guerrero]

there once was a blueberry muffin
consumed by a man named ruffin
thad brandt said no way
i said fuck you ur gay
dodge rams go a puffin

[ZR]

DM's sports posts really bring out the best in SD readers

[DM]

Make that reader ... it's the same dude who posted those last seven comments. They must have just re-stored Internet access at whatever transitional facility he's currently residing in.