Mike Novick returns! I think I’m a lot more excited about this than I have any right to be. I’m sick of these intros…
1. Jack Bauer (3) – “Hey!” BANG! BANG! Yes, welcome back to the top of the rankings, Jack. And Audrey, it’s not his “gift” that he can tune things out. That’s one of the key requirements of his job. His real gift, in my eyes, has been being in a relationship with Audrey for so long without stabbing her or himself in the neck.
2. Jason Girard (NR) – At first I thought he was a hippie due to the facial hair and the camping in the desert. But he’s far too informed to be a hippie, and I don’t think he said “dude” or “man” even once. A valiant effort for a one-episode character. The hastily written Muslim brothers would be proud.
3. Habib Marwan (5) – You’ve got to at least give Marwan credit for being in the middle of everything. He’s a hands-on terrorist, more AMA-Z then UBL, it seems. And he sure is good at leaving his henchmen in the dust while he escapes. Speaking of … what’s with this endless supply of henchmen? Quite an infrastructure he’s got.
4. Chloe O’Brian (2) – Not much of an episode for the office characters. I’m sure Chloe was pissing people off and we just didn’t see it.
5. Mike Novick (NR) – VP Logan, to Novick: “You did that without my permission?” Um, hello? That’s what Novick does, bro. No doubt Heller’s recent disappearance and Novick’s reappearance are related. My enthusiasm for his return is mostly because that means the return of the Mike Novick faces.
Face 1: Concerned, trying to convince President to do a certain thing, but knows that President won't agree to it.
6. Tony Almeida (6) – I thought Tony was a bit out of line to snap at Buchanan. Tony, remember you were watching futbol earlier in the morning and haven’t worked at CTU for over a year. Tony’s inner monologue after Buchanan told him there was nothing between him and Michelle: “Yeah, well, you’re still a dick.” I’m sure about the “Yeah, well” part at least. That’s so Almeida.
7. President Keeler (11) – Way to survive, buddy. Gotta bump him up a bit for that, and after some more exposure to VP Logan, Keeler all of a sudden looks like … well, not Lincoln or FDR. Maybe … Rutherford B. Hayes? He was a sort of middle of the pack guy, right? I cheated on most of my tests in high school, sorry.
8. Edgar Stiles (10) – Can’t someone else besides one of the two analysts left answer the phone every time it rings?
9. Bill Buchanan (8T) – Hey, Buchanan. Wanna know why you and Michelle “never got off the ground”? Maybe it’s because you use lame phrases such as “never got off the ground.” Sheesh.
10. Michelle Dessler (8T) – I have a theory that Michelle is only cool when she’s wearing her leather (pleather?) jacket.
11. Audrey Raines (12) – I miss Kate Warner.
12. Kelly Girard (NR) – She was really close to being #1. Damn close. Especially with her “he’s kept us alive this long” let’s keep listening to him line. But not only does she give the football to Marwan, she does it because he promises not to kill her. Out of all of the forehead smacking moments so far this season, that might take the cake. Still, Marwan did turn on the charm when he told her he wouldn’t kill them. And technically, he was telling the truth, I suppose.
13. (Vice) President Logan (HM) – You’d think in the 24 universe, where it seems that every president has an attempt on his life, they’d be able to scrounge up a better backup plan than a guy who is zonked out on Klonopin, Zoloft and Xanax. But obviously not Botox, that’s for sure.
Dropped Out … For Now
James Heller (The more episodes he’s not in, the more evil he’s up to. Then again, if that were the case, Satan would have nothing on Novick.)
Curtis Manning (I’m starting to think that the “for now” part might be wishful thinking. Who casts this show, the people who did Friends?)
Paul Raines (More surgery, oh boy)
Mitch Anderson (So how’d that work out for ya, Mitch? The lesson – terrorism doesn’t pay. Unless you’re Nina Myers, and even then, only for a couple years), Behrooz Araz (I can’t imagine they’d keep him alive, can you?), Rafique the Worrisome Computer-y Terrorist (at least he got the classic bad guy final utterance in), Agent Drake (does she even deserve to be on here?), Dina Araz (she's dead, folks), Dave Conlon (dead and a real bastard), Erin Driscoll (probably watching Shabby Chic, or something like that), Maya Driscoll (dead), Marianne Taylor (dead), Sarah Gavin (Who? Oh, right), Navi Araz (patricided), Richard Heller (Wait, maybe his dad sprung him loose and they are doing evil things together. Eh?), Kalil Hasan (dead), Omar the Terrorist (dead), Debbie Pendleton (dead), Ronnie Lavell (so dead).