I have all these strange feelings after watching this episode of 24. I feel an urge to go beat up some of them “activist judges.” I for some reason feel that people should take it easy on Tom DeLay. I think that the whole Abu Ghraib thing was just some kids having some fun and what’s the big deal, really? I’m thinking that the ACLU is a bunch of goddamn Communists.
On to the rankings ... Also, I hope the AF1 crash in Indio doesn't affect Coachella. Those goths are really excited for the Bauhaus reunion!
1. Jack Bauer (3) – It was looking doubtful that Jack would be able to hold on to the top spot since he was in transit for half of the episode. But that’s nothing that a little thumb breakin’ can’t fix. It’s no neck stabbin’, but it’ll do. And briskly walking away from Audrey with no explanation probably would have been enough, honestly. It did bother me to hear Jack say “nuculear,” though. Has it been established in past seasons that that’s how he pronounces it? If so, that’s a shame, but it just plays into the episode’s theme.
2. Curtis Manning (NR) – See, that’s what I’m talking about. First, he passed an important test by looking very cool when using one of those single lens binocular things. That’s a test (along with many, many others) that Chase didn’t pass. He leads a (sort of) successful operation to bring in that guy who must really resent Joe Pantoliano’s success (actually, The Handler, Dr. Vegas, maybe success is the wrong word). Then he busts out the whole “you’ll be violating a secure government building” thing. It’s good to have him back.
3. Chloe O’Brian (4) – “Am I interrupting something?” Oh, Chloe. Not only are you making people uncomfortable, but you’re also single-handedly getting important leads on terrorists. I can’t wait for season 12 of 24 when Chloe’s heading up Division and comes over in the middle of a crisis and starts barking out orders.
4. Habib Marwan (3) – Every good terrorist has “Amnesty Global” on speed dial. After all, they may as well be a terrorist organization themselves, what with their “due process” and “protecting constitutional rights.” Sheesh. So Marwan’s down with irony and he’s also down with enjoying a night of clubbing. What a cool guy. Maybe he’ll run into these dudes.
5. Mike Novick (5) – A little too high? Probably. OK, definitely. But I love the guy. Just seeing his turtley-face on the screen makes me laugh. We saw a new Novick face this week, too, the “The Fuck Are You Thinking????” Face, when he was on the conference call with Jack, Bill, Logan and Walt. Fuckin’ Walt. We’ll get to him later.
6. Bill Buchanan (9) – I’m officially a fan. There comes a time in the life of everyone who has authority over Jack Bauer when he or she must decide, “Do I go by the book, or do I go by the Bauer?” He chose wisely.
7. Tony Almeida (6) – You ever notice that after every conversation Tony has, he walks away, goes to a random computer, stands over it while slightly hunched over, and uses his right index finger to hit a few buttons? Every time, I’m telling you.
8. Michelle Dessler (10) – Seriously, could Michelle be any less interesting this year? It’s hard to think of anything to say about her each week. Except she sorta looked like a fool after Tony cleared the air, admitted his mistake, apologized, all of that. And all she can muster up is a perky, “Sounds good!” Slick.
9. Audrey Raines (11) – There have been lots of Audrey defenders leaving comments here lately. Many of them say that we should give her the benefit of the doubt because it’s obvious that Jack has feelings for her. Eh. Lots of people were also dissing Kate Warner since I implied that I preferred her to Audrey. Let me ask you this – you think Audrey’s putting on a burqa and going into a mosque with known terrorists inside? That’s what I thought.
10. Edgar Stiles (8) – Edgar, what’s going on? There’s only one Jack Bauer, and you are not him, buddy. At least he didn’t pull a Gael’s wife and shoot Prado when he left. We can give him a little credit for that.
11. Walt Cummings (NR) – You think it’s gonna taint his presidency that his first act was to give the go ahead to some torture? OK, who let the tree-huggin’ liberal into the bunker?
12. President Logan (13) – Oh, you may think you’re safe in your little underground bunker. But when you’re too stupid to realize that Novick is threatening you right to your face, you’re operating on borrowed time. And why is he listening to Walt again? Who exactly is Walt, again? Lordy. Heller is still fifth on the line of succession after Logan, so it will certainly take some maneuvering to get him in there. Get to work, Novick!
David Weis – Hey, it’s that dude from Sex and the City. Er, so I’m told. Because why would I know that? And what do you know, he’s playing a lawyer again! Er, I mean, I heard he played a lawyer on that show, too. What are the odds that the bald Jewish guy's always playing a lawyer?
Agent Richards – In this torture-filled season of 24, figured it was about time Richards – or at least his syringe – made an appearance. Does that sound dirty? If it does, I apologize.
Joe Prado – Sucker.
Dropped Out … For Now
James Heller – Oh, it’s just a matter of time. You gotta save the Devane for May sweeps. Because, it’s well known, Devane=Ratings.
Paul Raines – Character in medical limbo No. 1 …
(President) John Keeler – And character in medical limbo No. 2.
Yosik Khatami (on the bright side, he got to use his Eddie Murphy alias one last time), Kevin Keeler (son on relaxing vacation with President is not a good scenario on 24), Mitch Anderson (yes, he had a getaway plan, but don’t you think getting shot down by a fighter jet put a crimp on that plan?), Behrooz Araz (I can’t imagine they’d keep him alive, can you?), Rafique the Worrisome Computer-y Terrorist (at least he got the classic bad guy final utterance in), Agent Drake (does she even deserve to be on here?), Dina Araz (she's dead, folks), Dave Conlon (dead and a real bastard), Erin Driscoll (probably watching Shabby Chic, or something like that), Maya Driscoll (dead), Marianne Taylor (dead), Sarah Gavin (Who? Oh, right), Navi Araz (patricided), Richard Heller (Wait, maybe his dad sprung him loose and they are doing evil things together. Eh?), Kalil Hasan (dead), Omar the Terrorist (dead), Debbie Pendleton (dead), Ronnie Lavell (so dead).