See, here’s the thing. Next Monday, SD is going on vacation to Italy. So the power rankings will be taking a couple of weeks off before a likely return around May 11 or so. But anyway, this was my last 24 for a couple of weeks, so I was really hoping to go out with a bang. Wow. I don’t think I could have asked for much more. Best. Episode. Ever.
1. Chloe O’Brian (3) – Oh, like there was any doubt. That was a virtuoso performance we witnessed last night, one for the 24 annals. It’s weird, because I was actually thinking a few days ago if Chloe would ever be out in the field, since, y’know, she’ll be running things in Season 12 and all that. Even if she only had the “I know” + eye roll combo after Edgar said the thing about her being the best analyst, she probably would have been #1. And that Rambo impression at the end … well, that definitely made me all hot and bothered. This was the first episode of 24 I’ve watched on the brand new DVR. We have our first “Save Until Delete.” And anyone who still thinks Chloe and Jack shouldn’t get together is just crazy.
2. Jack Bauer (1) – Man, Jack must really kick ass at Gran Tourismo (or some other driving video game, sorry, I’m not “in the loop” with that stuff), because he totally rocked that remote control car/camera device. On the downside, Jack did let Marwan get away for about the 86th time in the past 6 or so hours. This one wasn’t his fault, and I have a feeling that within, say, five hours he’ll get his man. Still. His concern for Chloe was quite heartfelt, don’t you think? Man, they are totally gonna get it on.
3. Bill Buchanan (6) – See, this was one of those episodes where we had a few characters who were beyond pathetic, but almost everyone else was awesome. Buchanan heads that list. It’s kind of weird to see such effective, logical leadership from a head of CTU. I forgot that was possible. It’s starting to make sense that Michelle was into him, especially if he was that effective and logical in bed! Man, I’m really obsessed with 24 characters having sex this week, I apologize.
4. Mike Novick (5) – Once again, perhaps a little too high, especially because he didn’t just kick Logan in the balls and take charge himself, but he is right that a third president in 24 hours would be a bit much. On the plus side, he’s bringing back Palmer and he delivered the season’s best “We are running out of time” to date. Kudos for that. And don’t worry, no sexual references in relation to Novick. Although I suppose just saying that can conjure up some images. So yeah, sorry about that.
5. David Palmer (NR) – Thanks to ads I saw during The O.C. his return wasn’t a surprise, even though they did make sure to keep his name out of the credits. I certainly enjoy having him back, things just feel more important when he’s around, and you know that he will give Jack carte blanche to do absolutely anything he wants. It’s also sort of amusing that David’s being brought in under wraps to fix a problem. Remind you of another (greatest bitch of all-time) character?
6. Curtis Manning (2) – Well, Curtis was back to not having much of a role this week, but he was still awesome. Certainly my favorite new cast member this year. Although remember what I said last week about him looking cool using the single lens binocular thing? Then Jack totally outdid him right at the beginning of the episode, as if to assert himself when it comes to using the single lens binocular thing.
7. Habib Marwan (4) – Gee, Marwan gets away again. Haven’t I seen this episode before? Still, it’s nice to see such a competent villain, one who can realize there’s a remote control car spying on him in the vent. He’s making Stephen Saunders and those Drazens look like chumps. Too bad his new video won’t get to drop like he planned. That thing was a banger!
8. Edgar Stiles (10) – See, Edgar. There’s nothing wrong with realizing that Chloe is better than you. Because – and here’s the key – it’s not just you, buddy. It’s everyone. She triumphs over all. So just accept it. We know you’re a star in your own right. You stopped all those nuclear plants from melting down. That’s huge. The important thing is he realized the errors of his ways. He’ll be on his way up soon, I think.
9T. Tony Almeida (7)
9T. Michelle Dessler (8) – Take a backseat, you two. It’s been a pretty uneventful season for both of them, except for Tony saving Jack back in the early afternoon. But that’s fine by me. It’s time for some new blood. I’ve got no problem with them being around and being ordinary, because it lets new guys like Curtis and Buchanan take the spotlight. It’s always tough to establish lots of new characters at once, so it helps to have those old reliables around.
11. “President” Logan (12) – Man, it was an epic battle for the bottom this week between Logan and Audrey. They were really trying to outdo each other in the first 20 minutes or so. My rationale for leaving Logan out of the bottom slot is that at least he realized his mistake, freed Jack and is handing the reigns over to Palmer. I kept waiting for him to go, “BUT I DON’T WANNA BE PRESIDENT!!!” Y'know, like how Seinfeld said, "But I don't wanna be a pirate!"
12. Audrey Raines (9) – OK, Audrey defenders. What do you got now? I’d love to know. If the folks in the apartment next to me had their sleep interrupted (I watched this after 1 a.m.), it’s her fault, not mine. I can’t help but yell obscenities when she behaves like that. I mean, I was in full-on Samuel L. Jackson at the end of Pulp Fiction mode. “Bitch, be cool!” Let me present a guest Heller Family theory, from frequent commenter TL:
Heller got his daughter to leave her husband to seduce Jack Bauer, in the hopes that he'd leave CTU. Meanwhile, Heller's in cahoots with the terrorists, at least in part because he has ties to that defense contractor that Marwam was working for. Or something. I dunno. But Heller's definitely involved, and Audrey probably is, too.
There’s some stuff that makes sense in there. Why the fuck was Audrey so upset, y’know? Unless it’s just Audrey being Audrey, worried that Jack will be thrown in the slammer for a while. After all, she didn’t give two shits about Paul until he was near death. So she was over Jack, but now that she thinks he’ll be taken away from her, all of a sudden she gets all worked up. Please try and defend her now. I’m begging you.
Stupid Secret Service Agent – “I’m just following orders.” Exactly, dude. Exactly.
Sabir Howdoyousepllthat – Bitches, man. Fuckin’ bitches. Still, probably best not to bookmark your jihad Web sites, dumbass.
Robert Morrisson – Who are all these random white dudes that Marwan has working for him? C’mon, 24. Make it more cut and dry!
Nabilla, The Conveniently Computer Literate Informant – Chloe’s buddy. Therefore, my buddy.
Lee Castle – Oh, why not, he’s recurring enough, let’s get him in here. And who didn’t think he was getting offed when Jack was pulled off the mission. Way to not die, Castle!
Dropped Out … For Now
James Heller – OK, this is just getting ridiculous now. I have a really bad feeling he’s going to emerge as the villain of the season, which is just insulting to Marwan.
Joe Prado – The doctors are certainly being kept busy this season.
Walt Cummings – Let’s hope the “for now” becomes a “forever.”
Yosik Khatami (on the bright side, he got to use his Eddie Murphy alias one last time), Kevin Keeler (son on relaxing vacation with President is not a good scenario on 24), Nicole aka The Sexy Terrorist (she did good, an inspiration to female jihadists across the world), Mitch Anderson (yes, he had a getaway plan, but don’t you think getting shot down by a fighter jet put a crimp on that plan?), Behrooz Araz (I can’t imagine they’d keep him alive, can you?), Rafique the Worrisome Computer-y Terrorist (at least he got the classic bad guy final utterance in), Agent Drake (does she even deserve to be on here?), Dina Araz (she's dead, folks), Dave Conlon (dead and a real bastard), Erin Driscoll (probably watching Shabby Chic, or something like that), Maya Driscoll (dead), Marianne Taylor (dead), Sarah Gavin (Who? Oh, right), Navi Araz (patricided), Richard Heller (Wait, maybe his dad sprung him loose and they are doing evil things together. Eh?), Kalil Hasan (dead), Omar the Terrorist (dead), Debbie Pendleton (dead), Ronnie Lavell (so dead).