It’s 3 a.m., Rob Thomas must be lonely without the comfort of Jack Bauer. And here I was hoping Rob Thomas and I would never have anything in common. Oh well. Not a good hour for the good guys. A nuclear missile is launched at (East Coast City TBD). The Chinese find incriminating evidence on the Americans. Jack Bauer almost cries. CTU has seen better times. Only three more hours and two more episodes to go. Now is when I start to worry that Kiefer’s had enough and Jack will find an untimely demise soon. But since ratings are up that probably won’t be the case right now. Although I haven’t seen anything confirming it will be on FOX’s schedule next fall. We’ll see, I guess. Time to rank, and we’ve got tons of people to get to this week. Expect the penultimate rankings sometime Tuesday afternoon.
1. Cheng Zhi (NR) – He Chinese, he play joke, he pretend to Edgar that he need harmless non-classified information that actually implicates CTU in the raid. Give the guy credit, he’s good. Granted, it didn’t take a genius to figure out the Americans were behind it and he would have been basically stonewalled if Edgar wasn’t The Biggest Fucking Idiot in the World. But he’s obviously done his homework (unlike all these terrorists, at least he knows all about Jack), and he makes it three weeks in a row that someone who isn’t Jack holds the top spot. I’ve obviously altered my position that it would take super-drastic circumstances for Jack not to be on top.
2. Habib Marwan (HM) – I hesitate to put him this high since he’s now (finally) in custody, as the butter that had been slathered all over him finally dried. And that warhead hasn’t delivered its payload yet. Did I use that phrase right? I just read this book and I’m working on my jargon. Anyway, if Marwan’s a true mujahedin, then he won’t care that he’s been captured as long as havoc is wreaked.
3. Chloe O’Brian (1) – Oh yeah, it’s so on. Classic inappropriate Chloe (the whole talking to Audrey must be weird after you killed her husband thing) followed by an offer of being there to talk to. Here’s how I interpreted Jack’s two second reaction to that offer. “Huh? I’ve never thought of Chloe in any other manner except professional before, but now I’m starting to think otherwise … and I’m thinking I might like it!”
4. Jack Bauer (2) – Jack’s lowest ranking yet. We did have to endure that painful Palmer/Milliken storyline last year, but at least Jack’s subplot was something tough and manly (heroin addiction, yeah!) not some wimpy romance. Jack didn’t seem to waste much time walking away after Audrey told him that she wanted him to leave. See ya! (This must be said in young Randy Marsh voice from the Fingerbang episode of South Park to achieve full effect.) I must say that I loved when Jack stared Cheng directly in the eye and lied to him. I respect that in a man.
5. Mike Novick (10) – See, that’s the Novick that I love. Scheming, plotting, deceiving. He was officially back when he delivered the, “Would you like me to leak it to the media?” line. That’s my boy.
6. Curtis Manning (5) – Yeah, we’ve definitely got the new Almeida here. He just basically rules in an understated manner, which is pretty hard to do, but is the most effective way to rule when Jack’s around. Jack keeps one-upping him, though. Remember a few weeks ago when he used that binocular thingy, only to have Jack use it shortly thereafter? Well this time, while flushing out Marwan, Curtis throws out some killer tactical hand signals, and, of course, Jack throws out some even better ones a few seconds later.
7. Audrey Raines (14) – I’ll give her credit for pulling herself together and not selling Jack or the government out, although the fact that I can give her credit for what’s such an obvious no-brainer shows what I think of her. Still, with what she’s been through, it’s commendable. Good job, Audrey. Eh, maybe not. Decent job, Audrey. Yeah, that’s better.
8. David Palmer (4) – Now that he’s sort of screwed everything up and didn’t find the warhead and got the Chinese all pissed off, it’s starting to come back that Palmer’s rather incompetent at everything except delivering seemingly profound lines with great confidence and conviction. Which, I suppose, makes him a rather great portrayal of a politician. Wonder if he’ll bring Wayne in for some support these last few hours? Now there was a chump. The scheming and underhandedness of Novick with none of the entertaining faces.
9. Dr. Benson (HM) – Touchy, touchy. But he was able to save the guy’s life and lead to Marwan’s apprehension so we must congratulate him for that.
10. Howard Bern (HM) – Based on all of the ominous close-ups on him, it seemed like it’d be a lot worse than him just getting a chopper out of town. Next time wear two masks, buddy.
11T. Tony Almeida (6)
11T. Michelle Dessler (12) – OK, make it stop. I can’t handle anymore of these almost reunions. Just go into the upstairs office, utilize the handy blackout thing that let Jack almost shoot up, and have your hot, sweaty reconciliation sex. It’s not like they’re doing anything to actually help out at CTU.
13. Bill Buchanan (7) – Man, Bill’s all over the place lately. First he blew up at Tony last week. Not cool, but understandable. Then this week he gives some lip to Chloe? We don’t look kindly upon that in these parts. But this week he was sort of chummy again with Tony. Not really understanding it. Perhaps the pressure is getting to him. His attempted Jedi mindwork on Cheng (the whole “I would focus my attention on the People’s Freedom Coalition, those are the droids you are looking for") was kind of weak, too.
14. Lee Jong (8) – On the plus side, he made it through surgery. On the downside, the missile got fired. So he’s basically screwed.
15. Charles Logan (13) – First off, he thinks he’s Kevin Spacey. I finally figured that out upon re-watching this episode. That’s enough to get him ranked very low. Second, he’s pretty much trademarked the puff-up, get angry, then back down thing. Great thing to be known for. And what was with his attitude at the end when he said to escort Cheng out of CTU? I can’t tell if he was just being regular, old stupid Logan, if he was scheming, or if he just thought he was scheming.
16. Edgar Stiles (11) – Fuckin’ Edgar. Goddamn you. That’s all I can even say. Goddamn you, Edgar.
Honorable Mention
Melissa Raab – Oh yeah. She is good.
Su Ming – This guy’s expressions are pretty entertaining. The Chinese Novick, perhaps?
Robert Morrison – We still don’t exactly know what this guy’s deal is. I doubt we’ll find out.
Dropped Out … For Now
James Heller – He’s at the fuckin’ district office?!?!?!?! That’s the best you can do? I really hope he’s somewhere other than the district office. I mean, come on.
Aaron Pierce – Probably just a token appearance last week.
Dropped Out
President Keeler (I think it’s safe to say we’ve seen the last of him for this season), Kevin Keeler (son on relaxing vacation with President is not a good scenario on 24), Nicole aka The Sexy Terrorist (she did good, an inspiration to female jihadists across the world), Mitch Anderson (yes, he had a getaway plan, but don’t you think getting shot down by a fighter jet put a crimp on that plan?), Behrooz Araz (I can’t imagine they’d keep him alive, can you?), Rafique the Worrisome Computer-y Terrorist (at least he got the classic bad guy final utterance in), Dina Araz (she's dead, folks), Dave Conlon (dead and a real bastard), Erin Driscoll (probably watching Shabby Chic, or something like that), Maya Driscoll (dead), Marianne Taylor (dead), Sarah Gavin (Who? Oh, right), Navi Araz (patricided), Richard Heller (Wait, maybe his dad sprung him loose and they are doing evil things together. Eh?), Kalil Hasan (dead), Omar the Terrorist (dead), Debbie Pendleton (dead), Ronnie Lavell (so dead).
Past Rankings
2 A.M.
1 A.M.
Midnight
11 P.M.
10 P.M.
9 P.M.
8 P.M.
7 P.M.
6 P.M.
--DM--
SPOILER ALERT:
the previews for tonight's episode show Heller yelling at his son, "What did you do?!" So they're trying to tell us that Heller, Jr. is somehow behind all of this. But I'll place money down now that says Heller Sr. is the responsible party and is blaming his hippie son. Audrey's in on it to, I bet.
Posted by: TL | May 16, 2005 at 12:52 PM