Soi Disantra: We're Running Out Of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 7-11 A.M.

January 17, 2006

We're Running Out Of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 7-11 A.M.

Wait, there’s not even one hour of 24 on tonight? That sort of sucks. The back-to-back two hour premiere idea is just brilliant. So, Chechnyans this year, eh? At least for the first half of the season until we figure out who’s really behind it. I’m still hoping for the Chinese to play a part. I don’t have much else to say, but if you want to read about the political morality of 24, check over at TYBE! (Update: You must check out TYBE's 24 Fantasy League Analysis, too. And yes, I'm pissed I didn't think of it.) Me, I’m just going to talk about the characters’ boobs.

1. Jack Bauer – Frank Flynn, eh? I still would have preferred Flappy McGee, and it would only have been a little less obviously pseudonym-y. He sure sprung back into action quickly and you knew it was official when he put on those Jack Bauer Sunglasses. Jack also gave us our first “We’re running out of time” of the season, about 2/3 of the way into episode three. I’m looking forward to what I hope are many Jack as Christ analogies this season.
2. Chloe O’Brian – Season 4, first segment: Audrey in a bra. Season 5, first segment: Chloe in her underwear. Advantage: Season 5. While we’re a bit disappointed in her for her fondness for crappy late ’90s Brit-pop (JJ72? Really??? Even Menswe@r would have been better and could have worked if the password needed a non-alpha/numeric character), not to mention her fondness for skeezy underlings, we applaud her ability to escape assassins and flaunt her abilities to her superiors.
3. Martha Logan – She’s like the anti-Sherry. She wants to unravel conspiracies, not create them. And while someone might have called Sherry a crazy bitch, Martha is simply more of a crazy bitch. Although she doesn’t seem bitchy to me at all. And she showed a boob. She’s fit and she know it.
4. Derek Huxley – Why does Jack like the kid so much? Oh, I don’t know, perhaps because he looks exactly like Kim??? And he seems to share her penchant for forehead-smacking stupidity. But it took him less than four hours to fully entrust Jack with his life, so we like that. But if he is anything like Kim, I’m sure he’ll find a way to get kidnapped about three more times in the next 20 hours. Anything less would be shocking, actually.
5. Lynn McGill – We’ll give him credit for the “flank two” find, but while that was good work on his part, it was bad work by everyone else. Jack was basically, “Remember, I’m in a FLANK TWO POSITION, AND I AM WINKING WHILE I AM SAYING FLANK TWO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, ECRET-SAY, ODE-CAY.” McGill is totally a Chappelle disiciple, too. Maybe we should have a weekly Lynn McGill vs. Charlie matchup feature to track the two hobbits.
6. Bill Buchanan – Sorry, Bill, but you got served. Still like him a lot, though.
7. Main Villain Dude – At first he was a lot lower, but I moved him up for one major reason. All these other terrorists in the past haven’t even known about Jack Bauer. I always asked, “Don’t they read Terrorists Monthly?!” So this guy not only knows who Jack is, but he bases the whole plot around framing Jack to take him out of play. Good thinking, if not the greatest execution. He also had one of the nicer 24 villain command centers.
8. Curtis Manning – Yeah, he’s still the forgotten man. “So 18 months ago it was the drunk who was jailed for treason who came out of nowhere to pull rank on me and now it’s the guy who I watched die return from the dead to run my operation. Fuckin’ honkies.”
9. Audrey Raines – We’re going to give Audrey a fresh start this year. But we are certainly not looking forward to her reunion with Jack, although I’m looking forward to a possible c-c-c-catfight with Diane.
10. Mike Novick – He obviously knows that Walt is scheming. An old pro like Novick can spot these things. You can even see it in one of his Novick Faces, the I-Know-You’re-Scheming-Because-You’re-So-Blatantly-Obvious-About-It-But-You’re-So-Inept-And-Now-Jack’s-Alive-And-He’ll-Get-You-Good-Since-You-Were-In-On-The-Palmer-Hit Face.
11. Edgar Stiles – Oh, how he longs for Chloe. He longs and pines. And lusts. I’m sure he lusts for her, too. I mean, who doesn’t?
12. Diane Huxley – Trailer Trash Kate Warner, folks.
13. President Yuri Suvarov – Oh, like this guy’s not 1) totally evil, 2) totally gonna die, 3) totally both.
14. Wayne Palmer – Seriously, why would anyone want to live in an apartment with huge glass windows like that? Not only do you leave yourself open to assassination attempts, but it really rules out any games of indoor rock throwing, as well.
15. Evelyn the Aide – Anyone who rolls over for Walt Cummings that quickly has to be pretty low.
16. Spenser Wolff – That’s his full name. No word on whether he’s for hire or not. He’s down here because he has a stupid name and he’s either the most non-discreet mole in CTU history (which is saying a lot) or because he’s just really, really nervous. And because of the whole jealousy for nailing Chloe and then telling Edgar about it, although if I slept with Chloe I’d probably want to shout it from a mountaintop myself.
17. Walt Cummings – Oh, gee, Walt Cummings is up to no good? I never would have guessed that one! Seriously, I’m shocked!
18. President Charles Logan – Yes, even below Walt. Because whose fault is it that Cummings even has a job in the administration? It’s the whole Rove/Bush argument. Hold the main guy accountable, even if he is an oblivious fool. And announcing to the cameras that the situation at the airport was averted … does he not remember last year how the terrorists kidnapped the Secretary of Defense … then tried to melt down 106 power plants … then shot down Air Force One … then launched a nuclear mis-aisle at Los Angeles?

Dead to Me
David Palmer – That was sad. May Jobu look over you.
Michelle Dessler – Me: “Man, I hope they don’t drag out the One-Of-Tony-Or-Michelle-Is-Going-To-Die storyline for a lot of the season.” Me, 30 seconds later: “Well thanks, I guess.”
Main Terrorist Dude in Airport – I don’t want to get all PTC on you, but showing that execution at 8:22 p.m. seems like a bit much, don’t you think? I would have much rather been executed by Habib Marwan. At least he had a nicer accent and he shaved.
Palmer’s Assassin – “This one’s for killing a great man … and for giving Willem Dafaoe look-alikes a bad name.”

On Notice
Tony Almeida – Cubs mug? Check. Soul patch? Check. Vital signs? We’ll get back to you on that one. Remember, though, he recovers quickly. A bullet to the neck takes only a couple hours to heal, so remnants of a car bomb blast means he should be back on his feet by about 2 or 3 p.m. at the latest.

January 17, 2006 | Permalink

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» 24: DAY 5 PREMIERE - EPISODES 5.1 - 5.4 from Mike's Blog
Whew, I'm a little traumatized after the first four hours of day 5, but here are my random thoughts: First thought: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT MY SWEET, SWEET MICHELLE!!!!!!! Which leads me to my second thought: my one beef with this season s... [Read More]

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Whatever the fuck that means.

January 17, 2006

We're Running Out Of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 7-11 A.M.

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