Soi Disantra: 210 Minutes I'll Never Get Back

February 08, 2006

210 Minutes I'll Never Get Back

I always wondered who the hell watched the Grammys. And now I know – people who are forced to due to their job. This is going to be painful, so to make it a little less painful, I will keep a running diary.

8:02 – I absolutely do not get the Gorillaz phenomenon. Remember when Damon Albarn was cool? Oddly enough, it all started going south once he decided to try to sound like Pavement.

8:04 – Give Madonna credit – she’s still got it. Not musically, mind you. But she can give those Vanity Fair girls a run for their money. Also, even though the Gorillaz just finished performing, the main animal I’m thinking of right now is a camel. I’ll just leave it at that.

8:06 – One of Madonna’s dancers is wearing a Brad Miller jersey. Another is wearing a Mike Bibby throwback. I don’t even know what to say about that.

8:09 – Hasn’t the statute of limitations passed where people feel the need to laugh at Stevie Wonder making a “doesn’t she look beautiful?!” joke?

8:13 – First award goes to Kelly Clarkson. Guess for which song? She forgot to thank Ted Leo for making it acceptable for hipsters to like her.

8:15 – Not shaving isn’t going to get you any more hipster credibility, Coldplay. Growing out your wannabe JewFro isn’t going to get you anymore credibility, Coldplay. This Coldplay guitarist is really getting a big push lately. The director would have you believe that him and Apple’s dad are the only people in the band. That song was impossibly dull.

8:20 – I can’t believe I can’t even watch this incredibly high scoring Wizards game, 62 all at the half! Both Caron and Gilbert could score 40 the way things are going.

8:25 – I suppose one good thing about having to watch the Grammys is that it will allow me to know for sure that all of this shit that I’ve said sucks actually does suck. Case in point: John Legend. I’m pretty sure this is music that white suburbanites who go to movies at Landmark theaters listen to to feel “hip.” This is even worse than Coldplay. And almost as white.

8:27 – Damn, I am pretty sure I just missed the most productive 29 seconds of Jared Jeffries’ career:
10:21 WAS - J. Jeffries makes a 20-foot jumper from the right wing. Assist: B. Haywood
9:59 GS - B. Davis misses a 4-foot jumper in the lane
9:56 WAS - J. Jeffries defensive rebound
9:52 WAS - Layup by A. Jamison. Assist: J. Jeffries

8:29 – Now I get to witness Sugarland. For a while I thought they were an emo band. Either they have some weird samples in this song that go “Have you got her mic?! Have you got her mic?!” or someone’s getting fired. Merle Haggard must be rolling over in his grave with the chick from Sugarland and Big & Rich presenting him with the Lifetime Achievement award. I say rolling over in his grave because I assume he killed himself when he saw those three were the ones presenting him with the award.

8:32 – Allison Krauss wins for Best Country Album. I guess that’s OK. I don’t mind Allison Krauss. She keeps releasing albums, I keep having birthday/Hanukkah gifts for my stepmom.

8:34 – I really don’t want to watch Troy Murphy shoot free throws during my precious commercial break. Ah, Caron Butler. I’m really enjoying having him on the Wiz, he’s already 75-80% as good as Larry Hughes and about 200% healthier.

8:37 – Whoa, Julie Cooper Nichol on CSI?!?!?! What’s that all about? Suspicious powder found in the Capitol? What's that all about? I'd make a Marion Barry joke, but I just don't feel like it.

8:39 – U2 is the “loudest folk band in the world” according to Bono. Now I’m no U2 fan, and “Vertigo” is an especially inane song, but it’s still kind of a dick move to Coldplay to have U2 play only 25 minutes after them. Did you know you can go to about seven Silver Jews shows for how much it costs to see Bono … give a speech. I am fairly certain that Bob Nastanovich’s speeches on the Joos tour will be far more entertaining – and will do just as much to end hunger and third world debt – as the speeches Bono charges $95 for. I’m fairly certain this standing ovation was because they only did one verse and chorus of “Vertigo.”

8:43 – What’s Bono doing holding a guitar? Who does he think he is, Craig Finn? Mary J. Blige and U2 … well, it’s better than Sugarland. I think Mary J. is about to punch Bono in the face.

8:45 – My bad; that’s actually me about to punch myself in the face because there’s still two plus hours of this shit left.

8:47 – Matt Dillon and Ludacris giving David Bowie the Lifetime Achievement award. Obviously. Now it’s time for Best Rap Album. Kanye wins, the audience exhales with relief. Kanye’s trying to be funny, but the funniest thing by far was when he thanked god then Jon Brion.

8:55 – Good to see that Ben Roethlisberger dressed for the occasion. He’s introducing Kelly Clarkson who has the audacity not to play “Since U Been Gone.” Either a midget or a small child is playing piano for her. I’ll assume this song is called “Because of U.” It looks like Kelly has a nose stud. I thought only 15 year old girls in 1996 got those. I guess if you were a 15 year old girl in 1996 you’re still allowed to get them.

9:00 – Gwen and Billie Joe. Presenting Best Rock Album, which obviously goes to U2. “Being in a rock band is like running away with the circus,” says Bono. BUT I THOUGHT U2 WAS A FOLK BAND, BONO?! YOU DIRTY, FUCKING LIAR. Guitarist The (we’re on a first name basis) actually seems like a pretty alright dude.

9:05 – Ooh, Wizards by eight, looking good. Antonio Daniels is finally playing like the guy who I loved for the past few seasons. RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF!!! Sorry, Michael Ruffin just got a tip in, so I had to do that.

9:09 -- Hey, have you ever noticed how some of Paul McCartney’s songs have these really bouncy piano parts? This is OK, I guess, in as much as it’s not Sugarland. This is the first time Paul has ever played the Grammys and he wants to rock a bit – and he actually does play “Helter Skelter.”

9:13 – I bet Sawyer (dreamy pic just for the ladies) just called someone Cornflake.

9:16 – OK, that was pretty good. Best performance of the night so far, which is sort of like when I said earlier that it was the best 29 seconds of Jared’s career. It’s all very, very relative.

9:17 – Black Eyed Peas and Jennifer Love Hewitt out to do something. I’m not sure what. Maybe see if the negative talent vortex gets activated. Holy shit is Fergie a repulsive creature.

9:19 – John Legend wins for best impersonation of a black musician.

9:26 – Mariah Carey … well, she looks a little better than she did here. Maybe it’s the fact that the Wizards just held on for a victory to raise them over .500 for the first time in a loooong while, but I’m not hating this song too much.

9:30 – Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking there. I apologize.

9:32 – Teri Hatcher and Michael Buble presenting Best Pop Vocal Album. I’m sorry, Googlers, but Mr. Buble is wearing a shirt. And do you really want to see that?? But I may or may not see Teri's nipples. I'm not sure. Anyway, Kelly Clarkson wins and makes sure to thank Jesus and God this time. Jesus and God nod at each other in approval.

9:35 – I bet Hurley just asked Libby if she “liked stuff.” Yeah, Hurley, she likes kidnapping you guys. She’s so obviously an Other. Jeez…

9:37 – The Wizards game is still going on? Caron Butler only got up to 32, but Gilbert poured in 41. Hey, there’s a reason he was SD for most of this week. Make that 43. And make that 34 for Caron. Make that 45 for Gilbert. Man, this game is neverending. But it ends just in time for…

9:41 – Faith Hill and Keith Urban. Yes, I’m one of those people who thought Keith Urban was an R&B guy for a few years, basically until he started dating that Australian chick with the eyebrows that strike the fear of god in me. I don’t know what’s country about this. It sounds like Matchbox 20 to me.

9:46 – Eddie Jones is really pissing me off lately.

9:49 – I think Linkin Park just won an award in some rap category. The Linkin Park guy is actually talking in lieu of Jay-Z. After babbling for a minute, he offers Jay the make. He refuses, as if to say, “It’ll just be easier to have one of my boys kill your pet iguana later.” Linkin Park guy totally has a pet iguana.

9:56 – I bet Jack just acted like a stupid, irrational jerk.

9:58 – OK, here’s what everyone’s tuning in for – oh shit! That is definitely the wrong Stone. Seriously, can we get Al Qaeda on Joss Stone duty? Who the hell is Van Hunt? Is he the guy who hunts Draculas and werewolves?

10:01 – Hmm, so I guess it’s pronounced Sierra, like those people who give me those nice mailing labels every year.

10:04 – Steve Perry’s chest isn’t exposed! What the fuck is going on?!?!?!

10:05 – Well, Sly looks … hmm, how to put this. He looks like a villain from the year 2037 from a movie made in 1984? That’s the closest I can come up with. But man would Tim Armstrong be proud of that mohawk.

10:07 – Well, Sly just walked right off stage. Awesome. Totally awesome. Everyone’s looking backstage to see if he’ll come back out. He ain’t bitches, and it's because of that other Stone on stage.

10:13 – LL Cool J salutes Robert Johnson. That’s just wrong on so many levels.

10:16 – Jay-Z and Linkin Park … it’d be nice if there was at least one rapper that you could take seriously.

10:17 – What’s worse than Jay-Z and Linkin Park? Jay-Z, Linkin Park and Macca singing “Yesterday.” Sly had the right fucking idea.

10:24 – Tom Hanks gives The Weavers a Lifetime Achievement Award. There must have been a special on those things at Big Lots or something. Now he introduces the Boss.

10:30 – Well that was positively middling. He should have played "10th Avenue Freezeout." Bono gives him a standing ovation. The person behind Bono wants to kick Bono in the head – even more so than the rest of us – for wearing that stupid cowboy hat.

10:31 – U2 wins song of the year. At least it’s not the for catorce song.

10:39 – I want to like Kanye. I really do. “Gold Digger” is a good song, I’ll admit that. But the Jamie Foxx thing is just impossible to get past. I’d rather he duet with Soybomb.

10:44 – Eddie Jones must have felt my anger. He has since drained four 3s. Well done. This seems like a good time to pick my All-Star Reserves. I get to pick eight in the East since Jermaine O’Neal is hurt. Here goes: Chauncey Billups, Gilbert Arenas, Chris Bosh, Paul Pierce, Ben Wallace, Richard Hamilton, Jason Kidd, Rasheed Wallace. Out West: Tony Parker, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Shawn Marion, Pau Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki, Elton Brand. There you have it. I like the established stars. After all, it’s the All-Star game, not the Best First Half of the Season game. So Chris Paul, Dwight Howard and others can wait. But if Gilbert misses, he should go Kanye on folks.

10:46 – Sheryl Crow and Sting. Maybe she’ll go for him. He has one less ball than her old boyfriend. Zing! Crow is sporting that scary concave, boney cleavage. I actually just dry heaved. It’s Record of the Year time. Kanye’s about to go ballistic if he doesn’t win. Green Day beats him for a song released two years ago and Billie Joe looks honestly scared for his life. Don’t worry, Tre will protect. He’s a good tackler. I know this firsthand. Billie Joe admits to being very nervous – he doesn’t have to say why.

10:54 – Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilera. I guess the Grammys decide these collaborations the same way I used to decide the order for songs on the old mix tapes I used to make back in high school. By cutting up little pieces of paper, writing names on them, putting them in a hat and randomly picking them. Yes, I really did that. Now I have random.org.

10:57 – Where’s Christina been lately? Why did she decide to disappear and stop being so skanky? Wasn’t that working pretty well for her? Herbie Hancock was playing at the Tibetan Freedom concert at RFK when that person got hit by lightning. I remember that. That concert was pretty lame. They only let Pulp play three songs.

11:00 – CBS’s use of P.O.D. in their ads for Survivor makes me wonder why they don’t just save lots of money on taking people out to these islands and just have a show where people have to sit in a room and listen to P.O.D. until they go crazy.

11:03 – I bet Jon Stewart just said, “Not so much.”

11:05 – Fiona Apple, Chuck D and Common. Glad to see Chuck D’s still sporting the Pirates hat. This is the year we get to .500, Chuck! Zach and Oliver will take us to the promise land. Apparently Common didn’t get the memo about the pronunciation of Ciara. John Legend wins, obviously. Like they were going to have Sugarland beat him a year after fucking Maroon 5 beat Kanye.

11:08 – Dead people montage! R.L. Burnside … why did I never go see that guy? Man, there wasn’t much starpower that died this year. Except for Robert Moog, of course. Man, the Chi-Lites must have been a huge inspiration for Three Times One Minus One. Chris Whitley does get included. I still wish I saw R. L. Burnside instead of him.

11:17 – Bonnie Raitt and James Taylor? Shouldn’t they have been presenters before all the old people fell asleep? At least this is the final award of the night. U2 beats Kanye. Bono goes over to apologize. He tells him he’s next. Stop feeling bad for Kanye, people, good lord.

11:22 – Crap, one more performance. I hope it’s Madonna again. Oh, right, the New Orleans thing. Maybe the Chicken Man will make a special appearance. Oh wait, Chicken Man is dead. I like to think that Chicken Men never die, they just become delicious cutlets.

11:28 – Well, they saved the best for last. Sam Moore singing “In the Midnight Hour” with The Boss and Irma Thomas. I can certainly get behind that. And of course they start running ads over the end of it. A fitting conclusion. Well, this whole thing was as painful as I thought it would be, and I won’t even be able to leave for at least another hour. But at least I will be able to watch Colbert.

--DM--

February 08, 2006 | Permalink

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Soi Disantra

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February 08, 2006

210 Minutes I'll Never Get Back

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