Soi Disantra

A Month of Live Music: Starring Nethers, Deadboy & the Elephantmen, Shoegazers, Bobby Bare Jr., and lots of Iota Drunks

I went to a whole lot of shows over the past month. I will tell you about them. March will be even busier, as we've got a fantastic schedule that includes the Oranges Band (maybe twice), the Wedding Present, Destroyer and this little group called the Silver Jews (x5). Major fucking bummer that Comet Gain canceled their tour, though. Of course, the best show of March is likely to be this Saturday. Anyway, onto the recap. I don't take pictures. I'll leave that for every other blog. We only do pictures of Gilbert Arenas here at SD.

The Cassettes
I had been meaning to check these guys out for a while and now I can say the following: I have checked them out. Ex-Frodus guys play their own invented genre – steam-punk – drawing on all sorts of influences from around the world over the 20th century. They’ll use whatever instruments are laying around – theremin, tabla, ukulele, whatever. It makes for a pretty good racket, but it was hard to pick out too many memorable actual songs.
Recommended Listening: “Madder Lass,” from the group’s forthcoming album.

The Hold Steady
This was given in depth coverage already. Heightened expectations obviously had a lot to do with it, but honestly, this would certainly fall in the lower-middle if I were to power rank all these shows. I missed the precision.
Recommended Listening: Just because “The Swish” is one of the free downloads on the band’s site, I’ll send you there. It was the definite highlight of the show.

(The Sounds of) Kaleidoscope
This was an especially heavy TSOK performance. Maybe it was the new soundsystem the Black Cat had just installed, but I don’t think so. It was loud and droney and heady and all that. Good times, but honestly, I wouldn’t have minded if they took, say, five minutes of that droning heaviness and instead played one more of their awesome songs. I got a TSOK t-shirt at this show. It rules. In fact, I’m wearing it right now, as I type this, making me easily the coolest guy in my office. Well, that was already the case obviously, but now I’m just rubbing it in their faces.
Recommended Listening: “Funny Cigarette,” because I don’t think I’ve heard them play that one in a while.

The Apparitions
This was the definition of a “eh, it’s at Iota, why not?” show. Saturday night, nothing happening, local act with a couple of OK songs that I liked, might as well. Weird dynamic with this band. The main lead singer/guitarist is your typical power pop pretty boy (have a look) and his songs were decent but nothing special in that OK Go/Fountains of Wayne sort of way. But the bassist (he’s also in that picture) sings about 1/3 of the songs and his were far more interesting. Good soft/loud, slow build dynamics and speak-sing vocals in most of them. In theory it'd be better if he sang more of the songs, but it might just be that his work best as the exception to the norm.
Recommended Listening: “God Monkey Robot,” one of my favorite songs of the past few months.

Deadboy & the Elephantmen
Seriously, everyone should try to live 90 seconds away from a great little rock club. Because then you can be out of the house for just over an hour and witness a nifty set like this one. If I was an underground sludge metal fan I might have been especially excited for this show since singer/guitarist Dax Riggs used to be in Acid Bath. But – and I know this might come as a surprise to some of you – I’m not much of an underground sludge metal fan. So I just knew Deadboy as a duo with the same set up as the White Stripes that didn’t really sound all that much like the White Stripes. Sure, they do the garage-blues rock out thing on occasion, but it’s even more basic and rudimentary than Jack and Meg because Dax doesn’t try to dazzle with his guitar playing. In fact, he’s clearly the side attraction here. On the rockers, you absolutely cannot take your eyes off of drummer Tessie Burnett because she pounds the holy hell out of her drumkit. I mean, it was vicious. You cannot take your eyes off of her as she does this. Now granted, a lot of this has to do with the fact that she is – let’s see – ridiculously hot. The pictures I’ve found of her on the Net haven’t really done her justice. And let’s just say that when a lady is playing drums, especially when a lady is playing drums so violently, there are certain movements that are quite hypnotizing. I’ll stop there, because I’m sure even with that I’m cruising for a bruising from MZ, but it needed to be said. Anyway, on the quieter songs, which sound sort of like Mark Lanegan, they get really good when she comes in with the harmonies. The band’s 45-minute set had little flow and lots of stops and starts, and since the songs on We Are the Night Sky are already pretty raw to begin with, there wasn’t too much difference in a live setting. But it was still a damn good time.
Recommended Listening: “How Long the Night,” which gives a good taste for both sides of the band’s sound.

Nethers
I’ve seen these guys three or four times over the past couple months and they get better every time. Certainly worth checking out if they come to your town, which they very well might since they have just embarked on a pretty grueling cross-country tour; check their site for dates. I never much cared for the Carlsonics’ garage sludge, but this droney folk really does it for me. Extra points for getting an absolutely wonderful sound on the Black Cat’s backstage. ZR and I realized how this was accomplished – by not playing at unnecessarily loud and combative volume. What a novel concept. One we have no intention of ever borrowing, though. But whatever. Sometimes the band can get a little too enamored with the groove its in, and could cut down the repetitions by a couple measures or so. Minor complaint, though. ZR bought a shirt -- that says it all right there, doesn't it?
Recommended Listening: “Migratory Birds,” just to prove that they do have other really, really good songs besides “O the Deed.”

Alcian Blue/Ceremony/A Place to Bury Strangers
Back to back nights at the backstage. This show was bizarre because there were close to a dozen people that I knew and actually had conversations with. Very, very weird. No offense to everyone that I talked to, but Andrew Black was by far my favorite conversation partner on the evening. Dude just makes me smile, what can I say? And he confirmed that he will indeed be playing drums for Georgie James http://myspace.com/georgiejames when they start playing shows, which is just going to make that project even better. It’s a major fucking bummer that Comet Gain canceled its tour, but a small bright spot is that I’ll be able to check out GJ on the backstage that evening instead. Anyway, this show was shoegaze-o-riffic. These bands didn’t care about getting the best sound on the backstage; they just wanted to play loud. So loud that they made us buy those spongey fiddy cent earplugs out of that machine that dispenses bouncy balls at the Giant. At least they dispensed bouncy balls when I was a kid. Now it’s fake tattoos and slime or something. And they are all at least 50 cents! When I was a kid you could get a bouncy ball for a dime! Ah, the good ol’ days. Anyway, the first two bands, both ex-Skywave, obviously love Jesus & Mary Chain a whole lot. And there’s nothing wrong with that. All of these bands are working a sound that not too many bands are working these days, and it’s a great sound, and both of these groups do it very well. Sure, it may be hard to pick out different tunes, but “Cut Dead” just came on my shuffle and I thought it was “Some Candy Talking,” so whatever. As for Alcian, this was certainly a different set. It was a short set – barely 30 minutes – with lots of short songs. With the drum machine instead of a person, this is actually a pretty good way to go. Kept this fresh and exciting throughout.
Recommended Listening: “You Just Disappear,” for Alcian, “Never Going Down” for APTBS and you’ll just have to check out Ceremony’s MySpace page to hear them.

Bobby Bare Jr.
I love the Black Cat. But I love Iota because it’s not the Black Cat. When I go to Iota – unless it’s for one of those Merge shows like the Clientele or Camera Obscura – I’m the only one looking around the place judging everyone, which is obviously quite different than when I go to the Black Cat. I think that ZR and I were really the only indie rockers in the entire crowd for this show, which was something else. I know that the drunk dude who kept shouting “Git ‘er done!” – 25% ironic, max – wasn’t an indie rocker. That dude and his friends were great. They were high-fiving and hugging each other and “woo”ing their brains out all night. Bobby's the son of a country legend, he's on Bloodshot, he plays at Iota, he wears a trucker hat, so all signs point to alt-country, roots rock, whatever. And there's definitely hints of that, mostly in the more straightforward structures of the songs, but aesthetic-wise it was very indie rock. Actually, it's like if the first disc of Being There was more indie, I suppose. It was a very laid-back performance, to be sure, and could have been a lot tighter. I mean, we didn't need covers of both "Don't Fear the Reaper" (which inspired that drunk dude to keep shouting "More cowbell!" before reeling off about four or five lines from Anchorman) and the "Sabatoge" on top of "The Joker" mashup. There's just no need for that. And breaking out "You Blew Me Off" -- a Bare Jr. song which I actually remembered from the dark days of modern rock radio -- was somewhat funny, if also somewhat sucky. More entertaining was when each member of the band said horrible things about some country superstar that calls Nashville home. I think Amy Grant, Rascal Flatts, Montgomery Gentry ... and one other I forget ... were the lucky ones. In any case, it was fun, and entertaining, but I still feel like it was a bit more entertaining for themselves a bit too often.
Recommended Listening: “Valentine,” which you can find at that link on My Old Kentucky Blog. That post also has another good one, “Let’s Rock and Roll,” along with a quality tune by Mazarin, “The New American Apathy.”

--DM--

Confessions of a Malcontent Bookseller: A Deeply Troubling Anecdote

So those of you who have been keeping up with my "professional" life (or those of you who read the last CoaMB) are already aware that although I'm still employed by the same major bookselling corporation, I've been spending most of my time in our music department for the past few months. Excepting one lunatic coworker (the latest- he stormed out of the department because I was smiling at a baby- yeah, I'm sort of surprised I was doing that also, but she was smiling at me) it isn't too bad back there- at least I'm empowered to decide at what point during the day I can summon the strength to stomach Il Divo or Barry Manilow, and conversely, when all I can handle is Brandi Carlile, Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Bella Espana.

Anyway, all that is completely irrelevant to the story at hand. Last Wednesday morning, a woman came into the department and asked to see our Kid Rock selection. After a few minutes at the listening station and a brief conversation in which I was compelled to pretend that Kid Rock has artistic value or talent, she purchased two of his CDs and was on her way. At the time I was willing to give her the benfit of the doubt (yeah, despite the fact that she was buying not one but two Kid Rock CDs) and not assume this sudden interest in Kid Rock was not inspired by his recent, um, newsmaking. He does have a live album coming out tomorrow, maybe she had just read a review of that?

Well, maybe not. She came in this afternoon and bought the Scott Stapp CD.

--MZ--

I'm Comin' to Git Ya...

"I told everybody at the all-star break: Eastern Conference, I'm coming for you. I'm the Eastern Conference assassin right now; it's a tour from city to city."

Let 'em See Ya Shine: Destroyer's Rubies

Oh wow - a new album! Hey, I remember those! They're good, sometimes. Like, say, this one - Destroyer's Rubies. I'm not sure whether the "Destroyer's" part of that should be italicized, but you know, I'm going to be bold and go for it.

Destroyer is of course Dan Bejar, better known to the great unwashed as "that dude who writes the weird New Pornographers songs." Actually, probably better known to the great unwashed as "Who?" I used to hate him. In fact, I remember the exact reaction I had when I first heard MZ/DM/MT or whoever it was back at sweet, perhaps soon-to-be-internet-only WMUC playing "The Sublimation Hour": "Man, this sucks. Just because you went to grad school doesn't mean you have to take it out on us. This is exactly why I don't listen to indie rock. Wait, he's Canadian? Great, even better. Fuck this, off to go rock some Flipper." Things have changed a lot since then. 'Cept that last part. Flipper still rules, OK?

So anyway, this brings us to the topic at hand: Rubies, the newest, and possibly best, album from Dan and the D-gang. It sort of seems to be getting a not-insignificant amount of attention from the press and blogosphere - most likely because of the ridiculously overpositive reaction to the last Pornos album. All I know is that he got front-page treatment on MySpace the other day, and that's an honor reserved for only the select few, like...lemme check...well damn it, now it's Destroyer again. It wasn't yesterday. Way to ruin my joke, Murdoch.

Rubies is a pretty special album. It's not perfect, but I'll be very surprised if something betters it this year. That's all there is to it. I mean, no, there's a lot more to it, which I'll be getting into once I'm done with these fucking introductory paragraphs, but that's the gist. You can probably stop reading now.

Still here? OK, fuck it, let's just get down to business. Why is Rubies so awesome? Well, for me at least, It's everything I've ever liked about Bejar distilled, concentrated, and then blown up like a hillbilly's poorly constructed moonshinery. It's the kind of thing that should drive me up the wall - about seventy times too clever for its own good, astonishingly Euro-artfaggy, and kind of embarrassing in spots - but I love it.

Take the title track, which has officially captured my vote for best Destroyer song after eking out a cage match victory against a very worthy opponent in the form of "Beggars Might Ride." Nine minutes and twenty-five seconds long, but as far as I'm concerned it could go on for another hour. I mean, if you have to sum up this band in a song, this is the one. Bejar pulls out every trick in the Bejar book, including my personal fave, endless repititions of the central riff with little bits being added a la "Here Comes the Night," but there's something about that melody that absolutely cuts me, and the way he knows when to get BIG and when to get painfully spare and how to navigate the tricky terrority in between and most of all when and how to sing to maximize feeling out of a line. I think he's really developed the most understated overstated voice I've ever heard.

"Your Blood" and "European Oils" follow, keeping things rolling at a very high level. "Your Blood" is a kind of chugalong saloonish/music hall number that sees the Danster getting into slightly more affected/self-consciously dramatic vocal territory. There's definitely a feeling of weariness, a little Weimar-y decadence (ooh, who's getting into annoying grad school territory now?) but it's got a disarmingly bouncy, catchy tune behind it so it's not too much. PS is right about the "stab" part too.

Then ya got "European Oils," which is Rubies' second peak, and a great illustration of why, although Hunky Dory is a very very good album, Bejar does a Bowie impression way better than Bowie ever did. Aladdin Sane is a better album than Hunky Dory, anyway. But "European Oils," man - you got that kinda wasted/hollow air again, that beautiful descending piano part, and most of all the "the fucking maniac" thing, where the music cuts out for just a sec as Dan quiets down where a lesser musician woulda gotten louder and then kicks in with this jawdroppingly acidic, bitter, but still somehow sorta hopeful guitar line that simultaneously sums up and just elevates the song. I dunno, maybe the quiet-loud thing is sort of a cliche, but cliches become cliches for a reason, you know? When you hear one done well, you understand why.

"Painter In Your Pocket" is clearly the single here - and by that I mean the most immediately catchy song on the album, not that it has any chance whatsoever of widespread approval (although maybe I'm underestimating the powers of MySpace - for the sake of the FAs I hope I am). Like, I figure this'd be a great one for Pornos fans who haven't ever really listened to a Destroyer record. It's definitely one of my favorites here too. I mean, the main instrumental hook is really great, it's easily the one least likely to provoke an "uh, who the hell is this annoying motherfucker?" response, and the "you looked okay with the others, you looked great by yourself/on your own" line I'm sure could catch the attention of many a saddo. It's sort of like a more fleshed-out "Beggars Might Ride" now that I think about it, although it's not as good as that song. Hitsville!

So after all that I can't help but find "Looter's Follies" a slight letdown. It's too long, for one, without arresting enough a melody to sustain my interest past more than around the halfway point. It ain't bad by any means, but after four straight songs of "aw, could this album get any better?" it's the first one where I'm gonna have to say "yep."

Good thing that "3000 Flowers" is up next then, because it's awesome! Destroyer can't really rock, but it's endearing when they try, and that is indeed one motherfucker of a guitar line (again earning its "monster riff" liner note designation). Whatever, DM covered this more than adequately on his last post, so go read that if you feel like hearing more bloviation on this one.

"A Dangerous Woman, Up To A Point" dips us back down a little bit again, but not too much. It's sort of the definition of "solid album track." Super Bowieish, but I like it! Skippability factor of...oh...let's say 31%. It's a better presentation of the idea behind "Looter's Follies," and I'd rather listen to this than that. "Looter's Follies" is at 67%.

"Priest's Knees," which follows, definitely took me a little while to get into, but I've really warmed to it over the last week or so. It starts off reminding me very strongly of one of the more recent Silver Jews tracks, with a more obviously indie-countryish parody sound - tell me you couldn't see Berman singing on this one. This is definitely the least essential stretch of the album, though, and that's probably <em>Rubies</em>' greatest weakness: it's totally frontloaded.

Thankfully, Bejar did save one really awesome track for the (near) end, and it's "Watercolours Into The Ocean." It's simply lovely, with what seems to me to be a pretty iconic construction - everything's very "watery," with a gentle, flowing sorta cadence and liquid keyboard tones. The guitars sound great, too, very clean and mellow and spare.

We close things out with "Sick Priest Learns To Last Forever," which reminds me a lot of fellow Canuck Neil Young's mid-70's stuff. It's not quite as ragged as Tonight's the Night, exactly, but it does have that same sorta barely-held-together loose shuffe, and the guitar's got an appealingly late-night rawish quality to it. I dig it, but it's definitely a fade away (literally), rather than a burn out.

So there we go. Starts amazingly strong, stays every bit as strong for an impressive stretch, fades a bit, comes right back, then down again (intentionally, if that matters, which I guess it does). But when it's at its best, there ain't nothin better. Even Streethawk. I love this album very much, and it's an early favorite for best-of 2006.

And I guess we can't talk about a Destroyer album without mentioning lyrics, so O.K., we'll do that real quick. Still hyper-referential, but now Bejar's referencing himself at least as much ("Your Blues," "Music Lovers," more that I'm not remembering at the moment) if not more than other bands. Clever-clever as always, but he's gotten even better as a singer so for the most part he's got the panache to pull it off. Lotsa Bejar vs. the American underground-type stuff. Happy?

--ZR--

Recent Obsessive Listening: Electric Word Life Edition

“Let’s Go Crazy” – Prince
Oh man. Proof that I had great taste in music even when I was five years old. Because this was my favorite song then and as I have listened to it a few dozen times over the past week or so I’m having a hard time figuring out why it ever left the top spot, especially because I think it was replaced by that “Take me away, I don’t mind” song by Huey Lewis & the News from Back to the Future. I mean, that’s a pretty great song, and I remember rocking out to it at Merriweather when I was a very wee lad, but still. Anyway, I’m all about specific moments in songs, and this one has more than a few killer ones. The first great one is when that first drum beat kicks in right as the Purple One says, “Dr. Everything’ll Be Alright.” That’s when I start the head-nodding, and then when that first riff comes in, that’s when I start dancing. No, seriously, I start dancing. I have actually been an iPod commercial come to life when listening to this song lately. Ask MZ. There’s me, with my headphones on the middle of the living room, boogieing away to this song. When the keyboards kick in, that’s when things get really out of control. I need to start stretching before I listen to this song. I’m a sucker for integrating elements one by one and this song is a pretty perfect example of how to do it. I know there are dozens and dozens of “cooler” Prince songs, but I don’t care.

“3000 Flowers” – Destroyer
So people are finally realizing the greatness of Dan Bejar. Except for CM. CM, get with the program, dude! I mean, when friend-of-SD (through FAs) Matt LeMay writes a very positive review of Rubies that brings the album’s Metacritic score down, you know something’s up. Someday the New Pornographers will be referred to as his side project, and Carl Newman and Neko Case will been seen as “the other folks” in that band. Or maybe not. Whatever. I think at some point in the near future, maybe even tomorrow, ZR is going to bloviate on Rubies sort of like I did with Tanglewood. He likes it more than I do, although I certainly love it. It’s just no Streethawk; there’s no shame in that, obviously, as only Tanglewood has really approached Streethawk’s greatness over the past five years or so. We love those Fader cover boys over here at SD. Anyway, this track is my current fave of the new album and there’s one main reason for that: that riff. Is that not the most wonderfully catchy, simple, sloppy thing you’ve heard in ages? And that tone, man. That’s a tone. Sure, the song has the usual Bejar witticisms and it’s structurally sound with elements being added throughout (see, I told you I like that) and the stops and starts we’ve come to expect. But in the end it all comes back to that riff. I mean, I’m not going to pretend to know what the fuck “Clytemenstra on a good day means” and I don’t really care. I’m sure it’s very clever. And yes, I hear the reference to the song from his last album, that’s cool. But that’s of secondary importance here. Just as long as that riff gets played a couple dozen times, it’s all good.

“Queen Bitch”– David Bowie
I went most of my life without really listening to David Bowie. Just never thought it was really my thing. But then PS was like, “How can you love Streethawk so much and not love Hunky Dory? It doesn’t make sense.” So I got Hunky Dory and … well. It’s fucking ridiculously great. It doesn’t mean I’m a Bowie convert, by any means. I spent a lot of time with Ziggy Stardust since then and it’s not really doing too much for me. But I think HD makes it into the Hall of Fame. Again, it’s all about the moments and in this one it’s when Ronson’s riff comes in right after those couple of acoustic strums. That’s rock ‘n’ roll right there, right? And Bowie’s vocal delivery in this song just really does it for me. I told MZ that she should listen to this song and I’m pretty sure she took it the wrong way. Oh well.

“Lazy Old Sun” – The Kinks
Since every publication in the world is trotting out Ray Davies features to coincide with the release of his first solo album, I got in a Kinks mood and have been listening to Something Else a good bit lately. I’m not sure how anyone can think that’s not the best Kinks album. Do people really like Village Green better? I suppose that’s sort of like the people who like Sgt. Peppers better than Revolver. But whatever, I can have this argument with my dad or some other old dude. I’ve had a theory that this single song was the inspiration for the whole Elephant 6 collective, and as I listened to it a bunch lately, I’ll continue to think that. I don’t have much else to add about this one.

“Another Wound”– The Ponys
OK, so when I was doing the year-end countdown I said that “Ferocious” was my favorite song off of Celebration Castle, but this is the one that I keep going back to lately. It’s definitely an Albini masterpiece, getting those guitars to hum just the right way, getting them to kick into high gear just the right way. It reminds me of what he did on Seamonsters, specifically on “Dalliance” with the slow build, you’re listening to this nice little song, it’s sort of wistful and sentimental and next thing you know your ass is being rocked off. I listened to this song so much while on a bus filled with old people (and MZ) going through the Italian countryside. I’m sure I listened to it loud enough to seriously upset the old people we were surrounded by, but then again, perhaps their hearing was shot enough that they didn’t know. I’m sort of surprised the Ponys didn’t make a bigger splash with that last album. But I guess I should just be surprised that I’m surprised at that fact.

--DM--

We're Running Out of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 3 P.M.

In the interest of full disclosure, this week's power rankings have been compiled by yours truly, MZ. I'm certainly not claiming to represent the feminine perspective (Lord knows that would be a grave disservice to femininity), but if you notice fewer sports references and more Merchant-Ivory ones, that's the reason why. If you're wondering why you haven't heard from me in awhile (as no doubt you must have been), our home computer has been broken the past two weeks, ranging from usable for minutes at a time to completely worthless. I hope everyone has been coping with my absence as best they can. I will assume that is the case based on the fact that apparently no one has noticed.

This week's episode wisely broke up the hefty doses of CTU office politics with a liberal sprinkling of violence. Mercifully we somehow still have yet to see Kim, which hopefully I haven't jinxed by acknowledging that fact. If she does make an appearance next week I am prepared to assume full responsibility, including submitting to the only truly fair punishment for such an offense: death by stoning.

1. Vladimir Bierko (UR) - Bierko's initial appearance ranks as the best 24 villain debut I can recall. He personally dispatched Erwich in the classiest manner possible: no goony henchmen or tasteless firepower for Bierko, just a swift blade to the torso and a calm explanation why, delivered in clear talking points. You can't argue with that kind of efficiency. Besides that, Julian Sands is pretty foxy, even if he will never return to the level he achieved in A Room With a View, particularly that scene where he "has a bathe" with Freddy, if you know what I'm talking about. Which I have a feeling you do not. Hey, I warned you up front. Moving along...

2. Martha Logan (8) - She's singlehandedly going to attempt to save the Russian President and his wife, pretty handily proving incorrect DM's assertion last week that she's "gutless." Real astute there, buddy. In non-episodic news, the fake first lady also got a feature article in the New York Times Sunday Arts section.

3. Jack Bauer (1) - So Jack's on the lam again. Wow, this is really unprecedented. While the Jack escapes from custody storyline isn't too fresh, he did manage to take out both Curtis and a helicopter this week. I'm also pretty sure ranking Jack any lower would permanently disqualify me from any future WROOT! 24 Power Rankings fill-in slots, if in fact my previous allusions to Julian Sands nudity and E.M. Forster adaptations have not already done so.

4. Aaron Pierce (ON) - Besides Jack, Aaron has to be the 24 character most consistently portrayed as heroic. I must admit I'm more than a little concerned for him next week.

5. Chloe O'Brian (4) - All it really takes is a few expressive MLR eyebrow movements to land Chloe a spot in my top five. We already know Chloe will do anything to assist Jack, but I'm not sure how much longer she can take having to cooperate with Audrey in order to do so.

6. Mrs. Suvarov (UR) - She seemed very pleasant.

7. Bill Buchanan (7) - Bill got on board with Audrey's "covert" plan to assist Jack right in time to take the fall for her. Then again, the holding cell might actually be preferable to attempting to work with Lynn at this point.

8. Mike Novick (2) - Novick's best moment this week was when Mrs. Logan came into the room and he turned away and faced the wall rather than look at her. It makes sense, I suppose- clearly that is the only technique that could effectively disguise contempt or skepticism on his face. I will admit I can kind of relate.

9. Curtis Manning (5) - That will teach you to give Jack Bauer unsolicited relationship advice! To his credit, when Jack said, "Don't fight it, Curtis," Curtis didn't fight it.

10. President Suvarov (ON) - Suvarov seems like a decent guy thus far, and I am fond of his charming bride, but shouldn't he have picked up on the fact that Logan is a lying incompetent?

11. Audrey Raines (6) - I know Audrey's trying to do the right thing, but she's just not suave enough to get away with anything. Furthermore, it was just embarrassing when she threatened to sic her father on McGill. Really professional, Audrey.

12. Edgar Stiles (12) - It's hard to make much progress in either direction on the power rankings when you've been denied a line for the second consecutive week. Are we sure Edgar was in this episode? I guess he was in the conference room when McGill was having his meltdown? No worries, Edgar, as apparently the only CTU staffer not currently conspiring behind Lynn's back, you can expect to be very prominently featured in upcoming episodes while your coworkers are all being detained.

13. Nathanson (UR) - He didn't have a first name I somehow missed, did he? Nathanson survived Bierko's assault at least a couple of minutes longer than was even remotely plausible, but he'll still be joining the "Dead to Me" column next week. Sometimes I think 24 could stand to be a little more judicious in their introduction of villains- I know they need to keep the body count at a certain level to sate America's vicarious bloodlust, but it's sometimes tough to rank these guys when their most notable qualities are their lack of a first name or tie color. Speaking of which...

14. Ivan Erwich (3) - For someone who ranked so high last week, Erwich couldn't make too much of a case for his survival. Fare thee well, Yellow Tie.

15. Lynn McGill (10) - Lucky Lynn has been the only CTU staffer with a lame family related subplot this season, whereas last year brought us Edgar's mother being exposed to radiation, the Maya Driscoll fiasco and Richard Heller's coming out party. Given the relative restraint so far (get it?), we can probably expect Buchanan's uncle to have a psychotic break or Curtis to discover that he was separated at birth from an evil twin at some point this season.

16. Jenny McGill (ON) - Not much to say about Jenny this week- I guess she wanted to return Lynn's key card, which is a nice gesture but probably not enough to make up for the fact that she let her filthy boyfriend beat and rob him.

17. Dirty Dwayne the Boyfriend (UR) - A new contender in the 24 "greasiest man alive" contest, Dwayne is still facing tough competition from every guy Kim has ever spent time with, Derek Huxley, and of course front-runner Richard Heller. Is there some undisclosed water-rationing going on in 24's alternate reality L.A.?

18. President Logan (14) - I can't really be objective about Logan, since I find him so excruciating I regularly turn away from the TV screen when he's speaking. Amazingly, his decision-making abilities seem to have degraded even further- he's now not only negotiating with terrorists, he's giving them the go ahead to assassinate a foreign president. Someone assassinate this guy, please.

On Notice
Evelyn
Mrs. Walt Cummings
Inessa
Spenser Wolff
Tony Almeida
Derek Huxley
Diane Huxley
Wayne Palmer

Dead to Me
Suicide Terrorist Polakov
Walt Cummings
Jacob Rossler
David Palmer
Michelle Dessler
Hank the Assassin
Airport Terrorist
Palmer’s Assassin

Past Rankings
2 P.M.
1 P.M.
Noon
11 A.M.
7-11 A.M.

--MZ--

ZR Buys Records So You Don't Have To (Reissues Killed My Life Edition)

Hey gang. I've been buying a whole hell of a lot of discos lately (thx raise!), and I figgered I'd do you all the service of tendering my opinions on a few of the best ones. Adjust your want lists accordingly.

I said adjust them.

That's better. Anyway, here's what's been running up the ol' Discover card. So very, very close to redeemable cashback bonus…

Sound Dimension – Jamaica Soul Shake

I've been interested in these guys since I ran across a few of their cuts on various other Soul Jazz reggaeish comps, such as the way sweet 100% Dynamite! Anyway, they were the house band for the legendary Studio One, and played on several of the bigger hits of their era (late 60's-early 70's). This is the first compilation devoted solely to their instrumental work, and it's awesome the whole way through. I'm pretty sure one of the tracks here is the original backing for "Pass the Kutchie" (later retitled and covered by Musical Youth, the early 80's little kid Brit-reggae band). Killer rhythm section and great organ work (huh huh…”organ.” </beavis>).

v/a - New York Noise 2

Another Soul Jazz thang. Sort of an aside – those dudes are some annoying mothefuckers. I would kill for access to the stuff they've got access to, and I can't really complain about most of their offerings, but something about that label makes me so angry, despite the fact that I own a ton of their shit. Eh. Anyway, this is much better than the first edition of NY Noise, which I eventually realized contained only five songs I had any interest in listening to on any sort of regular basis. The stuff here's a lot less well known (and I know we're splitting hairs/being somewhat disingenuous when we're calling DNA and Lizzy Mercier Descloux well known but whatever), and I totally dig a whole lot of it. Y'got cool stuff like no-wave-band-not-included-on-No-New-York Red Transistor's obsessive "Not Bite," the sparse avant funk of Glorious Stranger's "Move It Time," some nifty Danceteria-type stuff, and a real mindblower in the form of Rhys Chatham's "Drastic Classicism," which handily blueprints Glenn Branca and Sonic Youth.

Gilberto Gil/Jorge Ben – Gil e Jorge

This album makes me want to smoke a lot of weed and lay on the beach and strum an acoustic guitar. OK, no, that makes it sound like it sucks. It doesn't suck. In fact, it's awesome. Really awesome. Anyhoo, two titans of Brazilian musique meet up w/their acoustic guitars and a percussionist, drink a hell of a lot of liquor, and play long-ass jammy versions of some of their best songs while the tape recorder's rolling. It's beautiful and loose and fun, and while it's certainly an understandable opinion to think that "Taj Mahal" could probably end somewhere around the 10-minute mark, it's also wrong. 15, baby, 15's where it's at. How can you get sick of that hook?!?! Rod Stewart couldn't, that's why he stole it for "D'ya Think I'm Sexy?" For the record, Rod (huh huh…”Rod.” </butt-head>), the answer is a hearty “yes.”

Meat Puppets – s/t

This is one of the very breast hardcore albums ever made, if you ask me. Which you didn’t. Anyway, it sounds like a bunch of autistic kids huffed a factory’s worth of glue, holed up in a desert toolshed, and made a punk rock record (which really isn’t that far off from the truth). By the way, did you know that the Kurdt Kobain-beloved Meat Puppets II was recorded almost entirely under the influence of MDMA? Or so the legend goes. Actually maybe I’m remembering wrong and it was MDA. Nah, I’m pretty sure it was MDMA. That extra “M” makes a big difference, believe you me. Anyway, the singing expertly straddles the line between slobbering moron and ADD-riddled brainiac (though not Brainiac), and the band consistently sounds like it has absolutely no idea what the hell the next note is supposed to be, but somehow they keep pulling off an awesome one every time! I don’t know why I didn’t pick this up in the first place when Ryko reissued all their albums. Plus ya get the In a Car EP, which is possibly even more idiot-savant.

Kevin Ayres – Joy of a Toy

Ex-Soft Machine, so you know it’s gotta be good. Ayers was the bass player on their first album, zen split for the solo life. Dude was a total fop, and this lil’ number sure sounds it, delivering up a set of somewhat melancholy, elegant, genteel super-British prog-pop. I kind of love it. Whenever I put it on the spirit of my Anglophile past arises like some horrid specter and takes control of my eardrums, beaming neurotransmitters of enjoyment straight into my brane. “Song for Insane Times” is sooooooo beautiful and has lyrics that actually catch my attention (they’re really evocative and reference “I Am the Walrus”), “Lady Rachel” is also sooooooo beautiful and fantastically constructed, and bonus track “Religious Experience” is a totally spaced-out ragged bliss mantra ft/Syd Barrett on jagged droning psych guitar. On the “wad” scale (the universally accepted measure of prog albums), this one definitely leans more gaywad than dorkwad.

That's all for the moment, but there's plenty more where that came from.

--ZR--

We're Running Out of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 2 P.M.

That was more like it. They trimmed the fat, focused on the fewest characters yet and gave us some vintage Bauer. I wish Jack could have played defense for the Wizards for the last half second of their game against the Hornets last night. He wouldn’t have left David West wide open like that. Anyway, onto the rankings.

1. Jack Bauer (4) – I think my favorite Jack moment of last night was when he was walking through the mall and very worriedly looked back at the balloon that some little kid let go. He was obviously so distraught with dropping to #4 in last week’s rankings that he not only wanted to save every life, but every balloon, too. Hey, you’ve got to follow your balloon. My other favorite Jack moment was when he was …acting! Jack must laugh when people cuff him, especially if it’s just one hand to the leg of a table, even if he is unconscious when it happens. Wasn’t he naked with his hands cuffed behind his back before? That’s something MZ would remember better than me. Ha!

2. Mike Novick (9) – Classic Novick this week, as the show’s two most enduring characters take the top two spots. I think it’s quite clear by this point that he doesn’t really care what’s best, only what makes for the best scheme. And if you can watch him make his faces without just cracking up, well, I don’t believe you.

3. Ivan Erwich (7) – OK, he’s getting a little better, but as far as early season villains go, he’s still lacking. He’s not nearly as entertaining as Ramon and he doesn’t instill fear like Sayed Ali. He’s like Behrooz’s dad, without the foxy wife. What? Dina Araz was smokin’!

4. Chloe O’Brian (2) – Man, after those first few episodes I thought it was going to be the year of Sexy Chloe, but they’ve really gone to great measures to re-frumpify her over the past few hours, haven’t they? Clutch performance walking Jack through whatever technical mumbo jumbo that was. Hey, I read about that new Harrison Ford movie in Entertainment Weekly that … wait. I’ve said far, far too much. Damn.

5. Curtis Manning (5) – I really thought this was going to be the episode where Curtis saved the day. It was set up perfectly. He was ready to pounce. But it wasn’t meant to be. He was stuck in the car pretending to listen to Phil Collins. Lame.

6. Audrey Raines (6) – Audrey was doing my favorite “meeting thing” during the conference call – staring intently at the phone. Hey, conference calls are boring. You have to look for entertainment where you can find it. I sort of found myself rooting for Audrey last night, and it was weird. “Go Audrey?” I wrote in my notebook. I was conflicted and confused. I'm still waiting for the moment this year when Audrey and Kim are acting retarded together and Chloe comes and double clotheslines them. That's going to be great.

7. Bill Buchanan (10) – He commands respect, as well he should. You could see him get all excited when Jack asked specifically for him. “That’s me! Jack Bauer wants to talk to me! Take that, Lynn.” But it still doesn’t excuse his decision.

8. Martha Logan (1) – Now we see why she married Chuck. Because when it comes down to it, she’s as gutless as him. OK, perhaps that’s not quite fair. Maybe we should actually be giving her credit for realizing that going along with a Classic Novick Scheme was the right thing to do.

9. Suicide Terrorist Polakov (UR) – Once again, I will never understand how any terrorist worth his or her salt doesn’t have a little picture of Jack Bauer, just for reference. You know, like, “Do not accept checks from this person,” something along those lines. Like, “Do not believe whatever this man says. He may be a midget, but he will thwart any evil you have planned.” I mean, the Chinese knew exactly who he was. At least Polakov didn’t hesitate in killing himself. I respect that in a terrorist.

10. Lynn McGill (14) – I’m sort of hoping that since he was willing to sacrifice everyone at the mall, it will come back to him and he’ll be sacrificed, Chappelle style. He did a good job wiping the blood from his lip, but would it have killed him to go to the bathroom to make sure he was OK? Jeez. The hobbits sure are assholes on TV.

11. Evelyn (ON) – Might Evelyn be up to something? She sure was inquisitive with the First Kook. Could she be a Marie Warner type? Was it really her who killed Walt? Or is it more likely that she’s just fascinated by suicide, since she’s so close to the edge herself.

12. Edgar Stiles (8) – He didn’t have a single line this week, did he? But at least somebody said his name to the president. That’s kinda cool.

13. Mrs. Walt Cummings (UR) – She married Walt Cummings. And probably had sex with him, too! Gross!

14. President Logan (15) – I liked when his wife came in and said, “Mike, this has your fingerprints all over it.” No shit, honey. The only thing Logan’s fingerprints are all over is … for the life of me I can’t figure out a good way to end this sentence. This is your chance, readers. Finish this sentence, team SD will pick the best one and the winner will get … a free Chamillionaire CD! No? You don’t want a free Chamillionaire CD? Hmm. Then the winner gets … Marty Casey and the Lovehammers CD? No to that too? Damn, you guys are tough. An Antonio Daniels mini-bobblehead? No, I don’t think I will want to part with that. Well, I’ll come up with something good … as long as you come up with something good.

On Notice
Inessa
Jenny McGill
Spenser Wolff
Tony Almeida
President Suvarov
Derek Huxley
Diane Huxley
Nathanson
Aaron Pierce
Wayne Palmer

Dead to Me
Walt Cummings
Jacob Rossler
David Palmer
Michelle Dessler
Hank the Assassin
Airport Terrorist
Palmer’s Assassin

Previous Rankings
1 P.M.
Noon
11 A.M.
7-11 A.M.

NBA TV Commercial Power Rankings

On Saturday it was snowy, MZ was working and I had nothing to do. So what did I end up doing? Something productive, such as clean the apartment or maybe even read a book? Ha, good one. Nope, I ended up watching the 1988 NBA All-Star Game on NBA TV. It was actually a pretty entertaining game, as it featured in-their-prime Magic and Bird, end-of-the-line Kareem and Moses Malone, and a slew of young guys who were just becoming superstars: Akeem Olajuwon (pre-H), Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, Isiah Thomas, Dominique Wilkins, Clyde Drexler, Patrick Ewing and, of course, Michael Jordan. I’m so used to hearing only profuse adulation for Jordan, since that’s how it was from about ’92 on, when I started being conscious of announcers and stuff like that, that it was weird to hear him referred to as the up-and-coming star who Bird and Magic were really pulling for. If anyone wants to play my match the 1988 All-Stars to current players game, that’s at the end, but first…

NBA TV doesn’t have commercials. During commercial breaks they have two-minute long mini-infomercials. These are rather mesmerizing. I decided to rank the products.

1) THE ONLY FLIPPING FRYING PAN IN THE WORLD
The Web site doesn’t do the actual commercial justice. I’d like to think that the people who made it were doing a tribute to Mr. Show and the Superpan, or maybe this actual pan has been around for a while and served as the inspiration for the bit. (Here’s the hilarious script – “Oh, Nancy! The Superpan is not magical, it will burn you. You shouldn’t listen to crowds and you shouldn’t listen to pans.”) Anyway, there was indeed an excitable friend from across the ocean extolling the virtues of this pan and I just about lost it. First off, the pan is pretty sweet, I’ll admit that. You just push a button and the pan flips over – you must visit the Web site to see it in action – and “you will have perfectly shaped omelets every time!” Not only do you get the flip pan, but you also get two twist choppers – somehow figured to be a $70 value – for just $19.99. The flipping of the pan is quite hypnotic, and really, $20 is nothing. I don’t eat omelets or any food that requires such a violent flipping motion, but there’s still a decent chance I’ll end up with one of these things within the next few months.

2) PAJAMAGRAM
Clearly a Valentine’s Day-centric ad. First off, give them credit for the name – it’s fun to say. At first I thought it was sort of like a Strip-o-Gram, except that the stripped arrived in pajamas so it was, like, classy, or something. And then you got to keep the pajamas and give them to your aunt or something. But that's not it. Basically, the argument behind the Pajamagram is that ladies don’t want the same old chocolate/flowers/teddy bears/etc. Instead, they want a clueless guy who has nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than watch an exhibition basketball game from nearly 20 years ago to go on the Internet and buy sleepwear. The best part is that each purchase comes with:
• Keepsake Organza Hatbox (with purchase of pjs, robes or slippers)
• Lavender Sachet
• Do Not Disturb Sign
• Personalized Gift Card
• Decorative Shipping Box

All of that is FREE, of course. The Do Not Disturb Sign is very disturbing in and of itself. Hey ladies in the house -- how would you feel if you received a Pajamagram? Especially the one pictured.

3) BOSE HEADPHONES
These are those supposedly insane headphones, where you could be sitting on a plane and some murderous snakes could be biting into passengers causing them to scream, vomit their guts out and the like, but you’d still be locked into your own world, enjoying the soothing, soulful sounds of the late Luther Vandross. I’m a huge fan of good headphones and blocking out everything else in the world; this was my goal for all of those long walks to class back in college. I always told myself that wearing big headphones was a good way to make people avoid saying hello to me on my way to class, although in retrospect I feel like I was vastly overestimating the number of people who would want to stop and have a conversation with me.

One of the highlights of these headphones is the testimonial on the site from Garfunkel:
"It’s as if someone behind your back reached out, found the volume control of the world, and turned it way, way, down." I think he forgot the man. Ah, old stoned people.

4) BOWFLEX
Does anybody out there know anyone that owns one of these contraptions? I’d sort of like to buy one of these and put it in the middle of our one-bedroom apartment, right in the living room, or, as we call it, “the room that doesn’t have the bed.” I’d sort of like to do it and then use it and cause my neighbors to wonder, “What the hell could that noise be?! It sounds a bit like a … Bowflex. But what crazy motherfucker would have a Bowflex in their one-bedroom apartment.” Me. I’m that crazy motherfucker. I’d like to invite someone over to the apartment and they’d walk in and the entire place is completely unfurnished except for a Bowflex in the middle of the room? “Where do you sleep?” “ON THE BOWFLEX!” “Where do you go to the bathroom?” “IN THE BOWFLEX!” “Does the Bowflex have plumbing?” “OF COURSE NOT!”

5) BETTER BASKETBALL VIDEOS
Man, this one was on a lot, I guess that’s not too surprising. It obviously can’t match the classic Tom Emanski video series, which has been using the same ad from 1991 featuring Fred McGriff, but it bears many of the same hallmarks. It has the famous players in practice gear because this is clearly not licensed by the NBA. It has some little white guy you’ve never heard of – in this case someone named “Rick Torbett” – who apparently knows more about basketball than anyone in the world. It shows those kids going through thankless footwork drills, that, now that I think about, Kwame Brown probably could have used. And it has gushing testimonials from the likes of Matt Pistorius, a forward at Culver-Stockton College, James Wilson, father of a high school player, and Jon Koncak, a former NBA player best known for getting a ridiculously overpriced contract and blazing a trail for the likes of Jim McIllvaine, Bryant Reeves and other big white stiffs.

6) JOKE OF THE DAY
By far the cheapest – just 99 cents to make the joke of the day my “joy of the day” – but honestly, I’d sooner buy a Bowflex. And that was before I found this thread, which tells tales of woe of parents whose kids signed up for this service and ended up being charged hundreds of dollars.

THOS STUPID FUC%IN AS* HOLES SENT STUPID JOKES TO ME UNTIL I SENT THAT TXT MSG TO THEM, THEN I GOT A CONFERMATION ON IT

do u know if they charge per joke? i know they charge like a 1.50 the first time...but if they expect me 2 pay 4 those crappy "jokes" every day i'll b pissed

DON'T SUBSCRIBE UNLESS YOU WANT A STUPID JOKE EVERY DAY FOR .99 A DAY THAT IS $29.70 A MONTH FOR A PATHETIC NOT EVEN HUMOROUS JOKE.

This brings up an interesting idea – I might just pay 99 cents per day to have some Inane Message Board Complaint In Broken English sent directly to my phone. That could very well be my joy of the day.

OK, now time to play the matching game. Here are the 1988 All-Stars and the current players who most reminded me of them. In no particular order. Be warned, read this only if you are an NBA nerd.

Danny Ainge = Manu Ginobili (white guy who pisses people off, falls down a lot, hits 3s, either love him or love to hate him)
Michael Jordan = Kobe Bryant (it’s scary how similar their jumpshots are)
Fat Lever = Ray Allen (pretty much just great shooters with one or two moves)
Isiah Thomas = Chris Paul or Gilbert Arenas (hard to say … I still need to see CP play more, but he seems to be more of a playmaker than Gilbert)
Moses Malone = Amare Stoudemire or Dwight Howard (hard to say because this was at the end of Moses’s career, and I’m not really sure if he had the explosion that Amare has or if he was more of just a brute like Howard is right now)
Kareem Abdul-Jabaar = Shaq (old and run down, but if you just need one possession, he’s your man)
Kevin McHale = Pau Gasol (not so sure about this one – a big guy who sees the floor and gets results even though it doesn’t always look too graceful)
Charles Barkley = Allen Iverson (weird one, but I just went with the undersized “bad” attitude guy from Philly thing)
Alex English = Richard Hamilton (skinny shooter who isn’t afraid to chuck it)
Dominique Wilkins = Vince Carter (this one seemed most obvious, mainly because of the ridiculous leaping and highlight reel abilities)
Karl Malone = Elton Brand (because you don’t really notice but then all of a sudden they have 20/10)
Akeem Olajuwon = Kevin Garnett (if KG had the balls to play inside more)
James Worthy = Antawn Jamison (UNC guys who get their numbers unspectacularly with some weird looking shots)
Xavier McDaniel = Jason Richardson (one of 10-15 interchangeable guys who is a decent scorer but will be “who?” in 20 years)
Brad Daugherty = Yao (smart players who rarely make mistakes but just aren’t quite physically gifted enough to be dominant)
Magic Johnson = Jason Kidd (only guys who are constantly looking for creative ways to make everyone around them better)
Clyde Drexler = LeBron (OK, this might be a slight to LeBron, but I’m not sure – Drexler was definitely a “wait, did he just do that?!” guy, and really, that’s all LeBron has been so far)

Mark Aguirre, Doc Rivers, Alvin Robertson, Mo Cheeks and James Donaldson didn’t play enough for me to get a good feel for them. Patrick Ewing I couldn’t really come up with one for. There ain’t many centers out there these days. Who else wants to play???

--DM--

We're Running Out of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 1 P.M.

Sorry these are very late this week. I guess I was just uninspired by the first not-so-great episode of the season. Back to normal next week…

1. Martha Logan (6) – Hey, it’s the POWER rankings. When in less than one hour you go from being sent off to the nuthouse to basically becoming Chief of Staff, you get a serious bump. But doesn’t this seem a little rash? I mean, yes, she was in the right this time, but we don’t know about past situations. Perhaps we can get Evelyn to give us the real scoop on her mental state, if she’s not too busy downing Zoloft, Paxil and Prozac.

2. Chloe O’Brian (7) – Chloe gets what she wants. She gets Buchanan to reinstate Spenser, she uses Spenser to find the bad guys, then kicks him to the curb. And to top it all off she gives us the Ultimate Chloe Moment: “Shut up, Edgar,” while rolling her eyes.

3. Inessa (UR) – The ladies rule this week. Like I was saying, these are POWER rankings. And for the first time in her life, Inessa has some power. The kind of power that only a sweet, sweet firearm can bring you. What is with these distraught characters killing terrorists who have very important information? Gael’s wife kills Saunders. Behrooz kills his daddy. Now Inessa kills Roessler. I put the blame on Jack, honestly….

4. Jack Bauer (1) – Because it’s a trend, and he didn’t spot it. He needs to get Dmitri Martin on that. And yeah, that was some decent torturing, but I’ve seen better. Not the best showing for JB by any means. He was clearly thrown off by the Inessa thing, as he was counting on dealing with just one helpless young lady with a decent-at-best grasp of English today.

5. Curtis Manning (9) – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. You get a big, dramatic arrival, Helicopter Boy. This is getting ridiculous.” I was thinking we might get to see Curtis make an Almeida-like recovery after getting shot, but it was just in the vest, so he was up and torturing in no time.

6. Audrey Raines (14) – Why so high for Audrey this week? Because she obviously wants as much to do with Kim as we do.

7. Ivan Erwich (10) – Man does this season of 24 desperately need a good villain or what? Yeah, he killed the dude after he promised him he wouldn’t. Well, Marwan did something similar last year, remember? Anyway, back to Erwich, I can’t tell if he’s Russian or just doing a bad Christopher Walken impression. It seems to go back and forth.

8. Edgar Stiles (8) – I kind of like his strategy. He knows he’ll never get Chloe to actually like him for who he is, because he’s a fat, lispy nerd who listens to Dashboard and thinks Dashboard is cool. In 2006! So instead he’s just going to gladly take her abuse and hope that she finds she’d rather have someone to boss around rather than someone she actually cares for.

9. Mike Novick (5) – “Wait, so you reinstate me to my position and then tell me not to devise an elaborate coverup/scheme? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.” As Leee pointed out, his decision to pull a Grady Little and just leave Walt hanging there was somewhat odd. But I enjoyed it, at least. Who doesn’t love a good hangin’? Sam Beam should write a song about it.

10. Bill Buchanan (3) – Wait, he’s still around?

11. Jenny McGill (UR) – The obvious follow up to Crazy Driscoll Daughter, we have Crazy McGill Sister. She reminded me a lot of Lili Taylor playing a strung out chick in … well, I guess every independent movie from 1993 to 1997.

12. Spenser Wolff (ON) – Now he knows how it feels to be used. Bastard. That’s what you get for being mean to Chloe. And the thing was, you could tell that he actually liked her by the end. Sorry, sucka.

13. Walt Cummings (16) – And thus ends the saga of one of our country’s greatest patriots. Honestly, I thought it was going to be Evelyn that killed herself. I know that makes no sense. And if Cummings was a true patriot, he would have kept living and come clean about everything. At least he ended things on his own terms and didn’t get jumped by his sister and her little hoodrat friend.

14. Lynn McGill (4) – “Um, yeah, tell him we’ll agree to the immunity deal and he can keep his sex cave, whatever that is. Oh, sex slave? Hmm, well, yeah, he can keep that, too. Look, dudes, I gotta run. I’ll be back in like 20 minutes or so. I knew I shouldn’t have had Chipotle for breakfast and then again for lunch!” Man, I’m so smooth.

15. President Logan (17) – He keeps getting worse, honestly. I mean, we already knew he was an incompetent fool with no balls who surrounded himself with lowlifes. His refusal to acknowledge this was the only thing that kept him barely bearable; I mean, that’s the kind of behavior that gets folks reelected, y’know? But now that he’s just profusely apologetic and begging for help … it’s just pathetic.

16. Jacob Rossler (UR) – Well this guy seemed like a real solid dude. Sorry to see him go. He had it all: terrorist, rapist, bad facial hairist. Actually, he sort of looked like John Peel, if I remember correctly. Sorry that I couldn’t get better pictures, but you get the point. Anyway, in honor of that, Inessa should have shouted, “Hey there, fuckface!” before shooting him.

On Notice
Tony Almeida
President Suvarov
Evelyn
Derek Huxley
Diane Huxley
Nathanson
Aaron Pierce

Dead to Me
David Palmer
Michelle Dessler
Hank the Assassin
Airport Terrorist
Palmer’s Assassin

Previous Rankings
Noon
11 A.M.
7-11 A.M.