Soi Disantra

SD Hall of Fame: Archers of Loaf, Vee Vee

I was looking at the first inductees into the SD Hall of Fame and I noticed something -- Can, the Fall, Dylan, Velvets, etc. That's a pretty dude-heavy list. Nico or Beulah is the closest thing to a female that's been enshrined, so I was looking for a way to remedy that. But then I figured, "Meh." We'll get there eventually, but I figured we'd go with another album For Dudes, By Dudes this week.

Icky Mettle is the widely accepted masterpiece by Archers of Loaf, but I'll always prefer Vee Vee. While Icky will likely be enshrined here, and it does contain many "hit" singles ("Web in Front," "Wrong," "Plumbline"), Vee Vee is the album where every little sound makes you go, "Man, that right there is perfect!" A splendid job by Bob Weston, of course, but it's the guitar interplay between the Erics that what makes it really work. It's never really straightforward but it almost always rocks and as an added bonus about half the songs have lyrics about two of my favorite subjects: pot and your band sucking. I'll never get tired of those.

1. Harnessed In Slums -- Not just a defining song for the band, but for indie rock in general. If someone were to make me play the word association game and threw out "indie rock," there's a good chance I'd come back with "Harnessed In Slums." If that riff at the beginning of the song doesn't get you pumped every time, man, go listen to some Snow Patrol or something.

2. Underdogs of Nipomo -- And if the guitar fill toward the end of this song doesn't get you pumped, then, man, I don't know what you can listen to ... Keane, perhaps? Yeah, probably Keane. This song is in an eternal batter with "Unfair" by Pavement for best song with a lyrics about nachos.

3. Nevermind the Enemy -- My tastes are pretty obvious, I suppose. My favorites aren't the most straight up rockin' ones, and they aren't the mellower ones with open spaces. They are the shifty, propulsive ones where Eric Johnson plays some nifty riff on like the 14th-16th frets. I feel like one time when I saw them back in '96 I watched him the whole time and he was always playing at at least the 12th fret, the entire set. But I could have invented that whole memory. You should try it sometimes. It's often much better -- and almost always easier -- than actually remembering memories.

4. Let the Loser Melt -- A song like this is a reason why I like this album better than Icky. For the first minute or so it seems like it's going in three different directions, just when you think you've figured it out it zigs a slightly different way. It's always relatively catchy, though, which is what sets them apart from, I dunno, Povlo and such. (Insert ZR comment here.)

5. Fabricoh -- I sort of wanted to go with "Underachievers March and Fight Song," because it's a funny, goofy, wonderful little song and it made for a great Beavis & Butthead moment. But it hasn't aged especially well and it screws up your shuffle because of all that dead time. So "Fabricoh" wins out because sometimes you just need to rock the fuck out.

Worst Song -- Nostalgia
"1985" doesn't count since it's not really a song, and I suppose this one only has a few more seconds on it, and there's nothing especially wrong with it, but it's always struck me as the weakest of the "rock out" bunch, behind the above and "The Worst Has Yet to Come."

Previous Inductees
Can, Monster Movie
The Fall, Grotesque (After the Gramme)
Bob Dylan, Desire
Beulah, When Your Heartstrings Break
The Wedding Present, Watusi
The Velvet Underground, The Velvet Underground and Nico

--DM--

Bob Dylan's 65th Birthday

Yes, I’m very pleased with myself for that subject title. Anyway, in honor of Bob turning 65 today I thought I’d give it a go and rank my 65 favorite Dylan songs – from the ’60s only. Not only does it make it a slightly easier task, but let’s face it – with a few (somewhat/very) notable exceptions, this is all the best stuff. Believe me, there wasn’t going to be anything from the born-again phase. Get ready for next year, when to celebrate his 66th birthday, I will pick the 66 best performances from the 1966 tour.

1. I Don’t Believe You (She Acts Like We Never Met) – I’m fairly certain that the version of this song from Bootleg Series Volume 4 is the peak of human civilization.
2. It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)
3. Like a Rolling Stone – A hundred times, a thousand times, a million times – still chills every time it hits the chorus.
4. Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues – I named my iPod Tom Thumb.
5. She’s Your Lover Now – There are lots of angry, bitter songs in the Dylan catalog, but this one is the most angry and bitter. And therefore the most awesome.
6. It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue
7. Visions of Johanna – Probably the song on here with the best alternate versions, whether it’s the sort of gallop-y one on the Bootleg 7 or the ones when it was still called “Freeze Out.”
8. Subterranean Homesick Blues – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the only positive thing The Weathermen ever did was pick a killer name for their little wannabe radical group.
9. Positively 4th Street
10. Queen Jane Approximately
11. Can You Please Crawl Out Your Window? – Like “4th Street,” one of those perfect organ-driven pop tunes that would be the highlight of every band’s career, and is just a throwaway for Bob.
12. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right
13. Maggie’s Farm
14. Ballad of a Thin Man
15. Desolation Row – Take all of the “best lyricists” around today, add up all their “great lyrics” and it might equal a few verses from this song.
16. You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere – The best Basement Tape, by far. And the Byrds’ version is better, yes. Just barely.
17. Masters of War
18. A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall – I will never, ever forget standing in centerfield at Ripken Stadium in Aberdeen a few summers ago and the sky just opening up right when he launched into this one.
19. Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again
20. It Ain’t Me Babe
21. She Belongs to Me – Obviously the best fifth best song on any album ever.
22. Mr. Tambourine Man
23. The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll
24. Outlaw Blues
25. One Of Us Must Know (Sooner or Later)
26. All I Really Want To Do
27. 4th Time Around – Take that, Beatles.
28. Bob Dylan’s 115th Dream – I love the funny ones. How can anyone not? Fab!
29. As I Went Out One Morning
30. Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You – Yes, I bumped this up a bit because of the monster version from the Rolling Thunder Tour. So what?
31. Absolutely Sweet Marie
32. Lo and Behold! – One time when I went to Pittsburgh I pulled up at my mom’s house right at 6:30 flat and felt very proud of myself.
33. It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry
34. Love Minus Zero/No Limit
35. All Along the Watchtower
36. I Wanna Be Your Lover – I like this outtake better than any of the “rock” ones from H61.
37. If You Gotta Go, Go Now (Or Else You Got to Stay All Night)
38. On the Road Again
39. Most Likely You Go Your Way and I Go Mine
40. Girl From the North Country
41. I Shall Be Free No. 10
42. Please, Mrs. Henry – I don’t really love The Basement Tapes all that much, but it does have some of the best croon/mumbling of his career.
43. From a Buick 6
44. Drifter’s Escape
45. Mama, You Been on My Mind
46. Tombstone Blues – I’ve just never loved the more rockin’ songs on H61 for whatever reason. They don’t crackle like the ones on BIABH.
47. Song to Woody
48. Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands – If I’m going with an 11 minute 20 second Dylan song, I’m definitely going with “Desolation Row.”
49. Spanish Harlem Incident
50. Boots of Spanish Leather – I guess this is the Spanish portion of the list.
51. Blowin’ in the Wind – The first transcendent classic on this list that just makes me immediately think of The Simpsons. “Rhetorical, eh? Eight!”
52. Just Like a Woman – Never one of my favorites, but I give it credit for a wonderful bridge – and I almost always hate bridges.
53. Gates of Eden
54. Highway 61 Revisited
55. With God on Our Side
56. Ballad of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest
57. Chimes of Freedom
58. Motorpsycho Nitemare
59. I Dreamed I Saw St. Augustine
60. This Wheel’s on Fire – I like Siouxsie’s version, too.
61. I Threw It All Away
62. One Too Many Mornings
63. Apple Suckling Tree
64. The Times They Are A-Changin’ – “The times they are a-becoming quite different.”
65. Black Crow Blues

We're Running Out of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 4 A.M.

Part of me thinks they should foil the terrorist attack but not be able to implicate Logan, just so everything won't end in a perfect happy ending. But then I don't want another season based around Logan, so scratch that. Maybe there will be a last second surprise this year. We had those the first two seasons, but not that last two, so they're due.

1. Aaron Pierce (UR) -- A great speech to Logan, escapes a near-death situation and sets into motion a scheme involving Novick. Not to mention the fact that he's going to get some secret servicing from the First Lady. Sorry.

2. Vladimir Bierko (3) -- "So we're just gonna hang out on top of this submarine for a while, Vlad?" "Yes, and my name is fucking Vladimir, OK?" "But why are we just going to hang out here, boss?" (Hatch opens. Bang bang.) "Sorry, boss."

3. Martha Logan (12) -- A surprising asset if you started her in your 24 fantasy league, racking up her first ever kill (I suspect). On just a single shot, to boot.

4. Karen Hayes (6) -- Best understated moment of the episode was when Jack was choking Miles within an inch of his life (at least I'd like to think) and Karen's reaction was just a nonchalant, "Jack, knock it off," like some suburban mom to her two kids that are horsing around in the backseat of a mini-SUV after she picked them up from soccer practice. Nice slap, too. Excellent form, good follow through.

5. Christopher Henderson (UR) -- Give him credit for knowing how to handle Molina (who apparently had to turn to a life of terrorism after his career as a good glove/no hit catcher didn't pan out). And also for creating a situation where he has an out either way. But not for being tolerable to look at. MZ keeps a spew bag handy during every one of his scenes.

6. Jack Bauer (2) -- A pretty forgettable hour for Bauer. The recording gets erased, he has to give Henderson a deal, he messes up the Henderson situation and can't convince that idiot on the sub to lock down. But this was expected -- if you remember back to last year, Jack had his lowest ranking of the season in the penultimate episode. Be sure to at least re-read the #1 ranking. I was far too proud of myself for that one.

7. Chloe O'Brian (8) -- "Not a Phoenix, it's a poison pill firewall! And any attempt at circumventing it and the hard drive does a cold start erase! At which point you can forget about retreiving any data!" Can't you see every cast member of Mr. Show cracking up whenever Mary Lynn has to say one of these lines?

8. Bill Buchanan (9) -- Did you read in Sports Guy's column how James Morrison is "a renowned yoga instructor who teaches a high-energy class in Hollywood 2-3 times a week." That's just high comedy right there.

9. Curtis Manning (1) -- Poor guy, but I'm sure he'll be OK. In 24 Land, getting a single shot to the shoulder is the real world equivalent of what -- a mild papercut? Banging your knee on a desk? Smashing the keyboard on your head because you can't stand to be in the office even one more minute? Something along those lines, right?

10. Audrey Raines (13) -- She's obviously been far more tolerable than she was last year and that made me realize that this season is missing that 24 staple -- the female character (or two) that you just couldn't stand. There's always been a Kim, Sherry, Audrey, Nina (for some folks) around, but not so this year. What gives?

11. Mike Novick (7) -- Just a token appearance this week to show off his always classic "You're Not Gonna Fucking Believe This, But We're About to Be Hit By Terrorists -- Yes, Again" Face.

12. Graham (11) -- So CM has informed me that this dude was also in Robocop and therefore season 5 of 24 is now known as the Robocop season. "All that's missing is an appearance by Red Foreman," says CM. I'll take his word for it. On a slightly related note, I did finally see another "classic" '80s dude movie for the first time this past week -- Rambo. I gotta say, a lot more subtle and surprisingly good than I thought it would be. And there's definitely some Rambo in Bauer.

13. Charles Logan (10) -- In honor of Aaron's great line, we'll no longer refer to him as President, but instead as Charles. Of all of Logan's many flaws, his greatest is that he just incapable of giong purely evil. Both Martha and Pierce should have been dead long ago. If you can't be evil, don't try to be evil. It's just embarassing.

14. Miles Papazian (5) -- Ensures himself one of the very bottom spots on the year-end list.

Previous Rankings
3 A.M.
2 A.M.
1 A.M.
Midnight
11 P.M.
10 P.M.
9 P.M.
8 P.M.
7 P.M.
5-7 P.M.
4 P.M.
3 P.M.
2 P.M.
1 P.M.
Noon
11 A.M.
7-11 A.M.

SD Hall of Fame: Can, Monster Movie

It should be noted from the beginning that I'm not in any way a CanSuperFan. In fact, I was about as ignorant as possible of Can until last year. I painted a picture of them in my mind as being too weird, too German, too electronic and with too deep a catalog for me to every really get into. But last year things changed. I was letting myself get into (slightly) weirder stuff, I've been away from my parents for long enough that I can open my mind a bit about Germans, and the Internet really does make it easy to make up for lost time. (Again, Al Gore, really, you outdid yourself. Seriously, I voted for you once, I'd do it again, just as my way of saying thanks.)

Can was definitely one of my most listened to bands in 2005. I immersed myself in the first six albums (counting Delay and Soundtracks), catching up through Future Days, which was good enough according to ZR, the closest thing I know to a CaNerd (well, I suppose PS as well). The verdict: Almost all very wonderful, got a little funky and jazzy as the years got on, Mooney reigns supreme over Suzuki (despite the endorsement of MES), and Monster Movie is the clear standout.

I'm obviously in the serious minority here, but it's pretty obvious given my preferences. First off, I so prefer Mooney to Damo. ZR blew my mind earlier this week when he told me Mooney was black -- I told you I really knew nothing about these guys. I just assumed they were all Dieters. Maybe I should have figured it out. I mean, Malcolm Mooney. But, y'know, then again Malcolm Mooney. OK, maybe a bit of a stretch there. Point being, I find him one of the most engaging vocalists ever. Menacing and desperate and crazy and all that. And it's all in the delivery, because it ain't in the lyrics. Which just adds to the greatness. Anyway, usually I rank the top five songs on the album and then pick the lowlight, but that's obviously not going to work with this four song album. So we'll just improvise.

1. Father Cannot Yell -- Yeah, it's basically a Velvet Underground song, but -- I love the Velvet Underground and it's like the best Velvet Underground song ever. Killer drone, riff, fuzz solo, ranting, panting, build -- it's got it all.

2. Yoo Doo Right -- Twenty minutes is a very long time. Oh, the things I could do -- two, three times -- in 20 minutes. Wait, I've said too much! A song shouldn't be 20 minutes long. I feel pretty strongly about that rule. But if a song is going to be 20 minutes long, this is how it should be. No, it doesn't keep you involved lyrically throughout, but it more than makes up for it in entrancement. Six of the seven longest songs in my 9,000-some track library are by Can.

3. Mary, Mary So Contrary -- This one sort of prepares you for "Yoo Doo Right," I think. Same basic principle. I mean, that's the point of the record, right? Who needs more than one principle? That's why the later stuff -- which is still fab, obvs -- just doesn't do it as much for me. Anyway, if it's similar to "YDR" and comes in a full quarter plus two minutes shorter, why does it rank below? The Letterman principle of humor corrolary, I suppose. If "YDR" was just 10 minutes or so, it wouldn't be the same. If it's good, just keep doing it. It may get old after a while, but keep on keepin' and it'll all start to come together again.

Worst Song -- "Outside My Door"
A good song that gets a raw deal on a four-song album. But this is clearly the weakest of the bunch. It's the most token psych/late '60s song on here. You could almost hear this one on Nuggets or Pebbles, right? And I guess Mooney's attempts at carrying a tune are a bit charming, but there's usually a reason why people who can't sing don't actually try to sing.

Previous Inductees
The Fall, Grotesque (After the Gramme)
Bob Dylan, Desire
Beulah, When Your Heartstrings Break
The Wedding Present, Watusi
The Velvet Underground, The Velvet Underground and Nico

--DM--

We're Running Out of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 3 A.M.

So these are reliably late, as always. Think of it as that last-second refresher before the new episode. We will have to wait a little while longer for our fix this week, as The Guy Who Makes Logan Look ... Well, The Guy Who Makes Keeler Look Like A Hero will stumble over some words while staring into a camera. Should be fascinating stuff. My parents are in Europe and certainly didn't consider this when setting the Tivo. They are gonna be pissed. Besides the top few, the actual rankings have become increasingly inconsequential, if you haven't noticed. The season-ender will be the definitve Season Five report card, though.

1. Curtis Manning (UR) – The best damn chauffeur CTU’s ever had. He gets the top spot this week because he used his powers of mind control to get past those guards and I just want to put him #1. He’s more than just brawn, you know.

2. Jack Bauer (1) -- OK, it's time for Jack to kick it into high gear now. Over the next three hours he has to: 1) Find new evidence to impilcate Logan, 2) Re-apprehend Bierko, 3) Rescue Aaron, 4) Make sure Wayne Palmer doesn't get any poor ladies killed, 5) Find that Graham dude and at least break his glasses, 6) Gather Audrey, Kate Warner and Diane Huxley and make them fight it out for his affection, and 7) For the love of God put an end to this and make sure it never sees the light of day. That'd actually make a really great Season 6 of 24. I'd be on the edge of my fucking seat, that's for sure! I'm much more afraid of that than some Russian with prominent cheekbones and some deadly gas (not that kind).

3. Vladimir Bierko (UR) – Sorry, I can’t take him seriously as a threat anymore, not after Jack carried him away from the gas plant over his shoulder like he was his Russian bride who had one too many shots of Smirnoff. Still, I have to put him near the top. Speaking of one too many shots of Smirnoff ... nah, not now. Perhaps if MZ is ever bored she can share tales of my behavior. Although to be honest I think it was probably one too many shots of Gordon's. Goddamn that shit was disgusting.

4. Pilot Evans (6d) – I remember very random things from high school. Sometimes not so random. Like in 10th grade when my teacher told us that if you get pulled over for speeding or something, a cop cannot look into a closed area (such as glove compartment or trunk) unless there is reasonable cause. As in, going 80 in a 55 is not reasonable cause. I certainly took note of that. But for some reason I also remembered that when the nation’s highways were being built (Eisenhower?) there was some law that in every five mile stretch of highway there must be a one-mile stretch of straight road in case a plane needs to make an emergency landing. I’m too lazy to actually confirm that, but I thought of it during this episode. This might be the longest WROOT ranking comment in history; undoubtedly the dullest, too.

5. Miles Papazian (8) – I feel very stupid for thinking he was going to end up on the side of good. I think that device he had that erased the tape was the same fucking bullshit thing that they had when you walked in and out of the library of my middle school. I didn’t actually believe them when they said it would erase cassettes if they were in your bag. That was a really great version of “Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam” that got erased, too. It's just a trip down memory lane this week, isn't it?

6. Karen Hayes (3) – Perhaps my favorite new character of the year, honestly. One of the few who wasn't clearly on one side or another. I agree with every decision she's made, even bringing Miles into the loop. She's right, she had no other choice. If statistical analysis has taught me anything, it's that you can make all the right decisions and sometimes you still lose. But really, statistical analysis hasn't taught me anything except how to waste time at work.

7. Mike Novick (5) -- It's time for Novick to do something. He's doing what Karen did a few episodes back, just milling about and making concerned faces.

8. Chloe O’Brian (2) – It hurts to put her this far down in the rankings, and I’m sure she’ll fight her way back to the top, but she fucked up, plain and simple. Jack told her not to let anyone near her, she didn’t listen. We can only hope that in the next three hours Chloe will do something that Brendan Haywood did to LeBron James in Game 6, except Chloe will actually do it with some authority.

9. Bill Buchanan (4) -- This episode was how Buchanan was for most of last season -- very steady, competent leadership at CTU, but he lacks that "wow" factor. That's part of his charm, obviously, but it doesn't always make for the best WROOT showings.

10. President Logan (10) – That’s a nice piece he’s got there. I was expecting more of a classic revolver that you load the bullets into, one by one. But nope, that was a powerful … glock? I don’t know. May shock you to find out I’m not really a big gun person.

11. Graham (9) -- If it was all an elaborate plot just to get Logan to kill himself, then I'll give the guy props. But I sorta think it wasn't. So no props.

12. Martha Logan (7) -- I'm going to be optimistic and assume that Aaron gets saved. This season ends at 7 a.m. I think I have a pretty good idea of what Martha will be doing at 7:01 a.m. That's right, eating an English muffin while downing some more pills. What did you think?

13. Audrey Raines (UR) – She’s OK, her dad’s OK, next thing you know, her brother’s not gay. A poem, by DM.

Previous Rankings
2 A.M.
1 A.M.
Midnight
11 P.M.
10 P.M.
9 P.M.
8 P.M.
7 P.M.
5-7 P.M.
4 P.M.
3 P.M.
2 P.M.
1 P.M.
Noon
11 A.M.
7-11 A.M.

Insert Obvious Camera Obscura Title Here

...and I don't mean I Need All the Friends I Can Get.

After a semi-lengthy absence I figured you'd all be so delighted that I had returned from oblivion that a brief account of my activities of the past few weeks and breaking news elsewhere should suffice. My next post will be really conceptual, I promise.

Oblivion consisted of:

-I brought on my annual respiratory infection, by innocently commenting at Easter dinner that I had somehow gotten through the winter without one. The next morning I was sick.

-I was summoned for jury duty. I had to go in three days, but I didn't end up serving at all. It was a pretty intense experience nonetheless. The one trial I did make it into the courtroom for was this one (warning: defendant strongly resembles Satan). He had shaved for the trial and now looks more like a Duke lacrosse player, which might be even creepier. Anyway, if you were too afraid to click the link, it was a murder trial, and the defendant admitted to strangling and decapitating his uncle's wife, but was pleading insanity. I guess my strategy of not washing my hair and looking extremely uncomfortable paid off, because someone decided to strike me, although I'm still unclear on whether I looked sympathetic to the guy or the opposite. Then again it could have been my rather grating cough.

-Work has become more demoralizing than ever before, as I am now personally responsible for the fact that everyone in Clarendon downloads music. Well, everyone but Andrea Bocelli fans.

-I developed a profound hatred of LeBron James.

A few links of interest:

-Statistics don't lie- I'm the fourth most negative reviewer in the history of Pitchfork! I know, only fourth? Thanks to Casey, who not only passed on this crucial information but used the subject line "The Michiko Kakutani of indie rock."

-On a related note, apparently the Swirlies have written a rock opera about how much they hate me. I am totally enthralled but sadly I don't think any efforts to get myself a copy would be well-received. Anyone want to try some outreach? I'll admit upfront that it's a risky move, clearly the Swirlies can and will hold a grudge, but I would be willing to offer a substantial reward. Alternatively, write your own rock opera about how you hate me. This should be fun.

-If not liking rap makes Stephin Merritt a racist, then does not liking rap and being obsessed with Stephin Merritt make me, like, The Spoonbender?

-The Kleenex Girl Wonder "Reunited Airlines" video is awfully entertaining, considering Graham doesn't do much besides pretend to play instruments, drink assorted red stuff, and smoke a lot. I don't know about the rest of you, but that's all I need.

Next time: Conceptual! I swear!

--MZ--

Adventures in Band Bios, Part 2

The latest from Jammin’ Java, if only because it seems “PP” can’t get enough. (The second one isn’t actually featured on the JJ site, but rest assured, that band is playing there.) Consult part one ... if you dare!

Our first entry…

“Influenced by virtually all genres of music, XXX’s sound is familiar yet refreshingly different. Since the formation of the band in 2004, XXX has developed a reputation for producing music that resonates in your head and leaves you wanting more. Combining undeniably moving phonics with a stage show that is unsurpassed, XXX is a band you have to see live to fully experience. XXX will blow you away each and every time they perform. A professional approach to playing music has enabled the band to grow into a well-respected entity within the D.C. metro music scene. “

And now…

“Payback for all the times they've been shunned by family, friends and foe; electrified by heart and soul, XXX’s latest release "XXX" displays intestines in hand. Written about trust, honesty, love and loss, recalling tragedy, and how to make the best of all of these situations, XXX will take you on a journey from the concrete jungles of their past, to the heart of their future, with 12 blast you in the face tracks."XXX" will capture you in purest form, and force you to believe and understand this young band.”

So who wins? Or rather, who doesn’t lose quite as much? Well I’ll give the first one originality points for using the phrase “undeniably moving phonics.” If Google is to be trusted – and we ain’t in China, so I don’t see why it shouldn’t be – this band is the first to use that phrase on the Internet. The last sentence is also a winner. Nothing says rock ‘n’ roll like “a professional approach” and “well-respected entity.” As for #2, I feel a little sorry for them since they have been shunned by family and friends. But I sort of expect them to be shunned by foes, y’know? They get those same originality points as Band A for “displays intestines in hands,” but that’s quite disgusting. And I can’t at all support the phrase “blast you in the face tracks.” So while Band A may more ridiculous, at least it seems like they might have an iota – or rather, a java – of naïve charm. Band B, not even that.

--DM--

We're Running Out of Time! 24 Power Rankings, 2 A.M.

This week was a new 24 experience. The cable was out all day Monday and Tuesday, so we missed it live and the Tivo was rendered useless. (Normally I'd be ready to blame Comcast for this, but it appears they were blameless and actually fixed the situation in a rather timely matter, all things considered.) So we ended up watching it on the computer. I suppose it could be worse. I appreciated the limiting of the characters, especially the Audrey and Henderson characters. But, as suspected, Curtis was gone as well.

1. Jack Bauer (4) – OK, that was a vintage Bauer performance. I still don’t understand why he just doesn’t put his phone on vibrate when he’s hiding out, but I suppose there are one or two other logic issues I could bring up with the show before that one, like the ones Pete brought up last week, for example. Perhaps I just don’t understand why anyone would use a ringing option besides vibrate. It’s discreet and tingly. Have I talked about this before? Man, I need to start ranking a new show.

2. Chloe O’Brian (3) – So apparently in 24 land the taser is as common as the cell phone when it comes to accessories. You know, I wouldn’t mind having taser capabilities instead of the option of taking a shitty, grainy picture with my phone. What says you, LG? (That concludes all the cell phone talk, I swear.)

3. Karen Hayes (1) – It’s always fun when someone new joins the ranks of those “in the loop” because then we get to see them do that thing … acting! (That’s where I wanted to include a YouTube clip from an old Jon Lovitz SNL, but there’s nothing there. What the fuck? They have like five Toonces clips and none of “Acting!”? That’s not right.)

4. Bill Buchanan (8) – I think this is my favorite Buchanan yet – faux-indignant Buchanan. Then again, faux-indignance is always going to be pretty entertaining. When I think of faux-indignance I think of someone saying, “Why I never…!” in a snooty British accent. Just thought I’d throw that in.

5. Mike Novick (5) – When he brings Logan down he will say, “Going after Jack Bauer was a big mistake, but scheming without Mike Novick was an even bigger one.” Then he’ll hopefully give him a Haywood-to-LeBron knee the groin. Novick has come in at #5 three consecutive weeks. I think that’s a new WROOT consistency record.

6. Extras On a Plane (UR) – We’ll do a ranking within a ranking for these folks, at least for this week. 1) Pilot Cotter – Not trying to do anything out of the ordinary, just going by the book but still deferring to Jack. 2) Flight Attendant – She didn’t get flustered. Good for her. 3) Hans Meyer – How many people can say they’ve got to spend time in the cargo hold of an airplane? See, it wasn’t all bad for him. 4) Co-pilot Evans – This is the guy Henderson wanted to finish off his devious plan? Yikes. 5) Air Marshal Bill – That’s some fine air marhsaling there, elbow boy.

7. Martha Logan (10) – OK, so she’s crazy again. Extremely, pill-poppin’ crazy. I have to think she’s a goner. But I always seem to be wrong in my hunches about her.

8. Miles Papazian (12) – Isn’t that cute, how his total Narciness ends up convincing Novick that something was indeed going on.

9. Graham (7) – Who is this dude again? What happened to his buddies? He likes to think of his kids whenever the going gets rough, right? I bet his kids are like those spoiled asshole kids with the court seats at the Wizards game. I hope those kids get beat up at school.

10. President Logan (11) – Hit the plane? No survivors? No, this guy does not have the balls to make that decision. He just doesn’t. He gets scared even at the mention of Colbert.

11. Ross (UR) – He got tasered by Chloe … twice! HE GOT TASERED BY CHLOE TWICE!

Previous Rankings
1 A.M.
Midnight
11 P.M.
10 P.M.
9 P.M.
8 P.M.
7 P.M.
5-7 P.M.
4 P.M.
3 P.M.
2 P.M.
1 P.M.
Noon
11 A.M.
7-11 A.M.

Gilbert, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken

Honestly, after sitting through that one at Verizon Center, I'm not sure I could even handle another game, let alone another series. Well, that's a lie, of course, but man, that was intense. Who's to blame? The refs, for missing some key calls throughout the series that always seemed to go Cleveland's way? Antawn, for letting LeBron just waltz to the basket for the winning shot in game five? Gilbert, for missing both of those humongous free throws last night, not to mention not calling time out in game five? Nah, none of them. No one's to blame, really. They lost three games by one point. Sometimes in sports -- much more often than we probably like to admit -- it just comes down to luck. That's not to say Damon Jones was lucky when he hit that shot -- to sit on the bench for 52 minutes and a half minutes and come in and nail the game winner, that's not lucky. Hell, Gilbert was probably more lucky when he drained that three from approximately Georgetown to force overtime. It's a more general kind of luck, where if you play enough one-point games, eventually things will even out. Remember the Nationals last year? (Of course you don't, I realize that.)

Anyway, I'm not trying to say the Cavs weren't the better team; I think this series pretty well illustrated that they were as equal as could be. And I'm not trying to say that Gilbert didn't choke last night -- that was the classic definition of a choke, especially after LeBron came up and said to him that if he missed, the game was over. (More on LeBron later, but Jesus Christ does this guy have a lot to learn about how to not make everyone who isn't a fan of his team want to see him kicked in the balls.) But if Antawn Jamison's layup that was in the basket earlier in the game doesn't defy gravity and come out, or if Caron Butler's jumper a few minutes later doesn't do the same thing, perhaps everything would have been different and we'd all be getting psyched for game seven tomorrow. Point being -- and I know this will probably enrage MZ who will probably ask, "So why do you even bother?!" -- but there's so much more dumb luck involved in these outcomes than we probably want to admit. (On a side note, we just watched Match Point last night -- I give it a somewhat enthusiastic "meh" -- and this was one of the main themes, but my "theory" was certainly more influenced by Baseball Prospectus than Woody Allen.)

This series was interesting for me because it was the first time in "my adult life" that I've actually heavily invested in a professional sports team. There was last year, of course, but after we were at MCI to see the Wiz cut the Bulls' lead to 2-1, we were off to Italy. I watched the highlight of Gilbert hitting the shot over Kirk Hinrich dozens of times on CNN International, but by the time we got back and it was onto the Heat, everyone knew we'd be lucky to take a single game. But I've found that I've definitely mellowed from the "throwing shit all over the place days" of Terps basketball ball 01-02. There's a definite difference between following your college team while your in school and following a professional team. I mean, it's pretty obvious. When everyone's a millionaire and you see Gilbert and Larry Hughes joking with each other in the final, tense seconds, it's hard to let yourself get too worked up.

It's really too bad that those missed free throws will be the lasting image of Gilbert in the offseason. He deserves better, and honestly, maybe we'll look back a few years from now at this moment and see how it inspired him. Sure, it would have been great to win this game and then hopefully go to Cleveland and shove it down LeBron's throat. But then it would have just been a sweep by the Pistons. Gilbert is best with a chip on his shoulder and now there's a pretty big one. If he can find another gear, it will be time to put him in that true upper echelon of stars. Right now he's knocking on the door. In terms of a combination of scoring ability and speed, there's nobody better, and he has as much range on his jumper as anyone in the league. He's a great guy to have as local sports hero, since he's funny and loves the fans, doesn't scowl every second he's on the court and doesn't think he's the center of the universe since he's had everything handed to him since he was a kid.

The highlight of the game was probably when Brendan Haywood inadvertently -- although we'd like to think it was plenty on purpose -- kneed King James right where his balls would be if he had any. There was a pretty good comparison to be made between LeBron and these two kids sitting at courtside. These kids, about eight years old or so, were sitting in those sits right on the court, the ones that cost a thousand dollars. Not only were they in those seats, but they just happened to be sitting next to Clinton Portis and Brandon Lloyd. Not only that, but they won the Fan of the Game contest, which gives them a free Razr phone or something. Not only that, but they kept getting shown on the JumboTron repeatedly after that, which by the end led to many people in our section were even booing them by the end. And that's basically what LeBron is. There's nothing wrong with working the refs -- it's part of the game, everyone does it -- but he disputes everything. It's so tiresome and it's really not going to help him become the next MJ. I mean, Jordan at least earned the right to become an insufferable asshole by the end of his career. So far LeBron has finished second in the league in scoring and beat a team that won eight fewer games in a first round playoff series. Everyone's talking about this being the beginning of a new golden age of the NBA, and if you're a big fan, then it might be true. But when the league's two best player (Kobe being the other one) are such huge assholes, it's going to be tough.

As for the next round ... well, except for the Cavs/Wiz series, everything turned out the way I expected, which isn't saying much, since it was all the favorites coming out on top. Sure, it took a little longer than expected, mainly with the Suns and Lakers, also with the Spurs/Kings and Heat/Bulls, to an extent. But the best teams moved on and there should be some nice matchups.

Pistons/Cavs
If LeBron thinks he proved anything by beating the Wizards ... well he's in for it now. Let's see how he fares against a team that does that thing ... what is it ... right -- play defense. Everyone made a big deal about Brendan Haywood's semi-clothesline of LeBron in game two. He'll be lucky if Ben Wallace gets through the first half without laying into him. If the Bucks were able to pull out a 20-point win at home against the Pistons, the Cavs should be able to nab one victory as well, but that's it. Pistons quite easily in five.

Heat/Nets
I'm really not looking forward to this series. Two teams that just aren't too likable. Maybe Nenad Krstic read my first playoffs post, because he definitely came alive in the first round, but I've got this feeling it won't be as easy against Shaq, or even what passes for Shaq these days. It'd be nice if Dwyane Wade could make it through a playoffs without getting banged up. I'd like to see him come through with a huge series here just to remind people that he's at least damn close to LeBron. Heat in six.

Spurs/Mavs
I still worry about the Mavs' being legit, for whatever reason. They rolled over the Grizzlies, but that's not saying too much, as their main strength was defense, and the Mavs were better than them there and dominated them on offense. The Spurs are starting to remind me of the 03-04 Lakers team that everyone expected to just easily roll to the championship despite the fact that they never really kicked it into gear, and ended up needing lots of luck (Derek Fisher, Sam Cassell injury) to get the finals before being whacked by Detroit. Spurs in seven.

Suns/Clippers
The biggest choke of the first round certainly goes to Kobe and the Lakers. You're up 3-1, you have to win the series. I thought the Clippers would have an easy time with the Suns before the playoffs started and I'll stick with that. A Lakers/Clippers series would have been nice, but it also would have been a sweep. The Suns should be able to win a game, maybe even two, but this Clippers team is for real. Clippers in six.

--DM--

SD Hall of Fame: The Fall, Grotesque (After the Gramme)

For lots of people, picking the best Fall album is a near-impossible task. And I suppose that could be the case. After all, MES and crew have dropped near 30 albums, a good half of which can be described as really good. OK, definitely a third. But there really isn’t that one record everyone can agree on as the high point. Which is part of what makes the Fall so wonderful. And frightening, I suppose. (Actually, what makes that the case is not the sheer volume, but the number of reissues. For example, this album right here has been reissued five different times. Now that’s just fucked up.) But anyway, I think that’s all bullshit. Because it’s simple – the best album by the Fall is Grotesque. End of story.

1. The NRWA – The best Fall song of them all? Quite possibly. Of course, this version isn’t as strong as the live version on A Part of America Therein, but that’s just par for the course for the Fall, making sure they have no such thing as a casual fan, as you have to dig all around to find the best stuff. Like all long songs should, it keeps you engaged lyrically from start to end, even though I’m still not exactly sure what Tony and the Totales are up to. I’ve been ripping off this song for so long.

2. The Container Drivers – It’s a really tough call between this one and the next one. ZR and I were arguing back and forth on IM yesterday about it. Here’s why I’m going with this one. There’s no let up – it starts with a drum roll (which comes back every so often, as should happen in most songs) and from there it’s just three straight minutes of that wonderful c.1980 Fall psychobilly-esque/post-punk sound, which is my favorite sound of the Fall, which is why this album is the easy favorite. Bonus points for being a song that I directly, unabashedly ripped off for one of the first FA songs. (Seeing a trend?) Extra bonus points for the great line, “Communists are just part time workers.” Part Time Workers … that’s a great band name, someone should really use that.

3. Pay Your Rates – ZR prefers this one, and like I said, it’s closer. He likes that it's so agitated, and it's true, it's an especially agitated song even by MES standards. The lyrical simplicity is a welcome change, actually. Instead of fitting in the normal few hundred words, most of the song is just some sort of riff on the title.

4. English Scheme -- I have a love/hate relationship with keyboards. Actually, that's not too accurate. It's more of a hate relationship. Sort of like with LeBron James. Seriously, once again, fuck that guy. He's the best talent to come along in ages, but here's the deal, dude. Everyone gets called for fouls. You don't have whine like a little fucking bitch every time it happens to you. We're still winning this thing. This Wiz team loves being pushed the edge then come roaring back. As for this song, this is how keyboards and guitars should always interact.

5. New Face In Hell -- This one wins barely wins out over "Gramme Friday" for a couple reasons. First off, the squealing manner in which MES delivers the title is very wonderful. And second, it shows us folks who only know two or three chords that we can still jam out. Is that a good thing? Up for debate. Also, wouldn't it be cool if some band would come along and just totally, shamelessly rip this song off so as to set the standard that it is OK to do so with the Fall?

Worst Song -- -- WMC-Blob 59
An obvious and easy call. In fact, I didn't even burn this into my iTunes. Slightly blasphemous? Eh, perhaps. Especially when I have The Marshall Suite on there in its entirety.

Previous Inductees
Bob Dylan, Desire
Beulah, When Your Heartstrings Break
The Wedding Present, Watusi
The Velvet Underground, The Velvet Underground and Nico

--DM--