Soi Disantra

Let the Man With the Open Mouth Leave

8/6 UPDATE:

No joke, I think this is probably the best thing that's happened to me all summer. It's been a shitty summer, to be sure, but don't discount the happiness I feel right now.

8/1 UPDATE:

I was really thinking of getting season tickets this year, too. Oh well.

That right there is the best Photoshopping I've done since I put myself into that Vanity Fair cover with Scarlett and Keira. Anyway, Jared wants to leave, and I say let him leave. The Wizards have long said they'd match any deal he signs, but let's hope that was just talkin' the talk. If there's one thing that would really make my life more miserable than it already is, it would be knowing that I'd have to deal with Jared Jeffries on the Wiz into my fuckin' 30s.

I thought we'd take a trip down memory lane to all the times we've talked about Jared here on SD. Let's begin the journey...

November 10, 2004
Choice excerpt: "On the other end, Jared Jeffries falls down as he tries to shoot it."

May 1, 2005
Choice excerpt: "Jared Jeffries is just not a very good basketball player ... has absolutely no touch around the basket. He can sometimes make a nice move and get to rim, and he will then proceed to smash the ball off the rim or the backboard, potentially injuring anyone who is in proper rebounding position."

May 13, 2005
Choice excerpt: "Despite the best attempts by “Fuckin’” Jared Jeffries (that’s his official new nickname) to sabotage the Wiz early on, they held a two-point lead at the half."

February 8, 2006
Choice excerpt: "OK, that was pretty good. Best performance of the night so far, which is sort of like when I said earlier that it was the best 29 seconds of Jared’s career. It’s all very, very relative."

April 26, 2006
Choice excerpt: "I should take this time to note the much-improved play of late by Jared Jeffries, and I should also take this time to thank his mother for finally calling him and telling him to shave that beard. Speaking of Jared, the Wizards suck because they really, really need Jared Jeffries to play well to win. That's never good."

So there you have some of the highlights of SD's hate affair with Jared over the past couple of years. It's nothing personal, dude. It's just that you're not very good at basketball and I'd rather my favorite team spend money on good basketball players than not so good ones. When you break it down like that, it makes plenty of sense. I mean, you don't think the Wiz regret matching that 6-year/$39 million deal Etan Thomas got from Milwaukee a few years ago? Jared gained a repuation as a "defensive stopper" this postseason, but that's as much due to who he's surrounded by, as anything else. So let Jared take his act to the Big Apple, where the press will surely have a field day with his inability to do anything at all except for that Jared Jeffries specialty -- tipping balls. And yes, that is open to any interpretation you like.

--DM--

Recent Obsessive Listening -- Not Hard to Read Between the Lines Edition

Lily Allen -- "Everything's Just Wonderful"
Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. I never go for the "irresistible" pop stuff, whether it's hipster bloggy (Annie), Timbaland-whatever (Aaliyah, Nelly F.) or somewhere inbetween (Kylie, recent Madonna). Just not my thing. But boy do I love me some Lily Allen. It's not just that it's very simple and very catchy, but it's also really damn charming. At least I find her charming. I don't care if she's rich and prefab. After listening to the album enough I've realized that I get my fix after the first four songs, all of which are now a part of "My Top Rated" playlist. "LDN" is still the best bet to end up on the year-end countdown, but this is the one I've been enjoying most this week. It sort of reminds me of "The New Pollution," a song I never really liked back in high school. But it's got everything that makes me love her -- it's kind of funny, she curses, it's to the point. Bravo, Lily, bravo.

Modest Mouse -- "3rd Planet"
A couple of things that I used to do a whole lot that I stopped doing almost entirely that I've started doing again -- driving around at night and smoking cigarettes. I'm not really a big Modest Mouse fan -- far from it -- but the band writes good songs for driving around at night, good songs for smoking cigarettes, and when you combine the two, it's a pretty wonderful thing. I can't really listen to Modest Mouse while not doing those things, actually. And I really only like the first five songs off The Moon and Antarctica, anyway. And that one song just makes me think of the "Mom's have changed" minivan commercial. But this song is a killer, a definite masterpiece. Did I mention how I like cursing in songs? For a while I liked "Dark Center of the Universe" better, if only because that was a better showcase for Brock's best talent (repeating the same phrase with different, interesting intonations), but this is the one that stands up to three, four straight listens.

Liz Phair -- "Divorce Song"
Liz Phair probably wins the award for artist/band of the last decade whose post-peak body of work has been so utterly terrible and embarrassing that it really makes you not want to listen to her good stuff at all. But goddamn if Exile isn't a really great album, still. I wish that "Flower" was never on there, because it's a terrible song that distracts from the rest of the album, but whatever. This one was always my favorite back in the day and it still is. Hey, how about that, she curses. The one thing that always confused me was why she stole his lighter. I never figured that one out. It seems like it wouldn't be an easy thing to hide, and if you light a cigarette in his presence he'd probably be like, "Hey, isn't that my lighter?" But what's the big deal, anyway? I bought a six-pack of lighters the other day, I wouldn't care if someone like Liz Phair stole one of 'em.

Material Issue -- "Diane"
I suppose this is sort of an appropriate pairing; didn't Material Issue and Liz Phair collaborate at some point? Before Jim Ellison suffocated himself to death, of course. Probably not quite as bad as the Elliott Smith route, but definitely not the quickest and least painful way to go. Which is sort of the point, right? "Valerie Loves Me" is the obvious hit from this album, but "Diane" has the most staying power, I think. Who wouldn't love a 19-year-old with her own helicopter and submarine? Valerie, Diane, Renee, Christine ... dude had a lot of ladies in his life. That makes his suicide either even more questionable, or, more likely, all the more understandable.

The Oranges Band -- "I Live Alone"
On Monday night, ZR and I will be heading up to the Ottobar with our new BFFs to catch TOB. Yes, I still get super-excited every time I get to see TOB, even though it happens fairly frequently. I recently decided that my favorite moment in any TOB song is the first few seconds of this one right here, the kind of fake start followed by a "Hoo!" (which is different from "Woo!" mind you). It's not as pogo-inducing as "Success" or "My Street" or as pretty as "Open Air" or "Ride the Wild Wave," but it's heavy, repetitive, features a great one-note solo and is done under two minutes. There's this song of mine that ZR and I are working on right now that he really likes and I like it to, but I feel it might be just a bit too much of a straight rip of this tune. And for me to say a song of ours is too much of a straight rip of another song, then you know it's gotta be pretty shameless. I'll recap Monday's show in the upcoming "Show Diary, mid-June through July" which will also feature fun stuff like The Great Blue Cheer Banter of 2006 and The Full African Experience of Konono No. 1 at the Black Cat.

--DM--

Those Kids Today

It's been quiet here lately. There's been a bit of a disturbance in the force at SD. We'll just leave it at that. Things may pick up again soon, although with fantasy basketball season around the corner, I must say my blogging energies will probably be focused elsewhere. I'm really, really trying to become John Hollinger's apprentice, and while I think my work at SD may help out, it's just a neat little extra. 24 Power Rankings? Never. Sorry. I think I accidentally erased it from my Tivo. No, I didn't. But whatever. Don’t expect, don’t expect…

Anyway, I was up in Pittsburgh last weekend visiting the half of my family that I don't often see. That includes my brother who just turned 14, meaning he'll be starting high school in the fall. I’ve never lived with him, so I’ve never been able to have too much of an influence, especially when it comes to music. His tastes are … well, I think pitiful is the word. It’s complete top 40 hip-pop, NOW-type stuff. I looked through his iTunes, it wasn’t pretty. Most songs on the T.I. album got four or five stars, while “Can’t Buy Me Love,” which I guess my mom must have put on there, had one star. Ouch. Why not just delete it, I asked him. “I dunno, sometimes I like it.” I didn’t want to force stuff upon him at too young of an age, because really, he needs to discover for himself. If he at least has a self-developed like or love for music, then you can work on taste after that. But you can’t force it.

He went to a small, Jewish private school up through eighth grade, and in the fall will be starting at a public school where he’ll have to pass through a metal detector everyday. Not that it’s too ghetto or anything, just showing that it will be a shift, and I figured this would be a good time to try to begin to steer him in the right direction. Gently nudge, at least. I mean, you don't go from Yung Joc to Young Marble Giants overnight. OK, you probably never go from Yung Joc to Young Marble Giants, but you get my point. So for his birthday, I decided to buy him six CDs -- three of his choice, three of my choice. Here's how it went.

His Choice #1 -- The Fray, How to Save a Life
I promised I'd hold no editorial control over his choices, and he really tested me with this one. Perhaps the most perfect example of Music For Normal People. Which isn't a good thing, obviously. Not that I've subjected myself to too much of this, but it sounds to me like Keane with a hint of Nickelback, and is one of those bands that makes you think of diseases you'd rather have than listen to this band.

My Choice #1 -- Arctic Monkeys, Silly Long Album Title Goes Here
Not that I particularly like these guys, but I have nothing against them. Seems like perfectly competent alt-rock that might appeal to people who don't usually listen to that sort of thing. My brother had never heard of them, which shows just how disconnected from rock music he is. I figured they are "cool," they curse, it's catchy, why not?

His Choice #2 -- Mobb Deep, Blood Money
This one really threw me off, until I looked at the package and realized it had Fitty/G-Unit all over the place. Part of me wanted to say, "If you want a Mobb Deep album, why don't you just get (whatever the "classic" one is)." But again, his choices were his choices.

My Choice #2 -- Kings of Leon, Aha Shake Heartbreak
Originally this was going to be Franz Ferdinand, but I thought AM and FF would be a bit of U.K. overkill. And I still like this album. I have a feeling that Kings of Leon will probably end up with a more impressive career than the Strokes, which I would have thought was ridiculous when I saw both of those bands play together a few years ago. The dude's voice was my main issue with picking this one, I can see how it would befuddle someone who only listens to rap and MFNP (see the Fray, above).

His Choice #3 -- Field Mob, Light Poles and Pine Trees
I'll fully admit to never having heard of these guys. Apparently they are "down home" Southern rap, or something. The new Nappy Roots? I dunno. I hope my brother likes it.

My Choice #3 -- Ghostface Killah, Fishscale
He obviously likes rap, so I figured I'd give him a DM-approved one. I could've gone with an old-school Wu-Tang joint, but I figured I'd keep it current. I obviously don't listen to much rap, but this is definitely one of my favorite albums of the year so far. I threw it into my iTunes without all of the skits, so that makes it a lot easier to get through. I thought my bro should get some gritty hip-hop as opposed to all of the crossover tested and approved stuff he listens to.

I told him he had to listen to all of the CDs and write me a few sentences on each one. Because there's nothing kids like more than homework over the summer. I predict that he listens to Ghostface once, listens to about two or three songs from Arctic Monkeys and Kings of Leon and tells me they are all "pretty good." Fuckin' kids.

--DM--

SD Hall of Fame: Smog, Knock Knock

At this point, the SD Hall of Fame seems to have two distinct types of members: established proto-indie rock classics and my favorite indie albums from the '90s. Hey, it's my HOF, so that's fine with me. Time for one of the latter today.

Smog is one of those bands that I feel gets overlooked due to his amazing consistency. (Speaking of consistency, just get used to me jumping back and forth between referring to Smog as a band and a person, OK?) He's gone about his business, on Drag City for his entire career, releasing roughly an album a per year, always at least solid, often near-brilliant, but lacking that one defining album that made lots of people take notice at once. Well, I think Knock Knock is that brilliant album.

Not that I was listening to his albums in order from the beginning, but looking back now it seems that Knock Knock is the one where just about all of those emo-y qualities from the earlier records disappeared. It's as if Callahan realized that feelings are for suckers and that the best way to go through like life is to look at everything with detached amusement. I support him on that. There are still some pretty poignant moments here, but there's always that hint of smirkiness, that makes you think twice about whether he's saying something meaningful or just something that sounds good over the two chords he picked for that specific song. On to the rankings...

1. Hit the Ground Running -- The perfect slow-build, element-adding, repetitive, hypnotic sing-along. Century of Slang would make a pretty excellent blog name, only slightly behind SD in its late-'90s Drag City referencing. I was hoping it'd be more interesting. Alas. Although a cat dying from "a serious injury to his legs along with a mixture of shock and old age" is somewhat interesting, I guess. No? No.

2. Cold Blooded Old Times -- I think I might actually prefer the solo acoustic version from the 7", but the hand-clapping, jam-out ending version here is mighty all right as well. Two chords, phrases that make you nod thoughtfully and a children's chorus that isn't just not annoying, but actually adds to the song.

3. Teenage Spaceship -- This was the favorite back in '99 when the album came out, landing somewhere in the top 10 on the Soi Disantra Top 33 of '99 Countdown on WMUC. I tend to have a pretty decent memory about stupid things like this, and I think it came in at #7, just behind forgotten classic "Fox Trot" by Manishevitz. Go ahead and download that one and enjoy it. "Teenage Spaceship" is a delightful little meditation on ... something. This was saved as a draft for a bit and I'm just finishing it up now after coming home drunk from the Camera Obscura show, so, y'know? THIS SONGZ REUILLZZZ!!!

4. I Could Drive Forever -- Another one of those songs that just goes to show that you don't really need a whole lot of ideas to make a great song. But it does help to have the most effortlessly cool vocal delivery around. These songs are great because they simmer and then build a bit and then you think it's going to hit that big point ... but nope. That was it. You were waiting for it, but it was happening. Sucker. So then you go back and listen again. Sometimes what's not there is as important as what is there, y'know? (That's obviously a sentence written while drunk, duh.)

5. Held -- It's basically a toss up between this one, "River Guard" and "Let's Move to the Country," but the "woo"s at the end put this one over the top. It's so out of character, but it works so well. This song could almost be like a Nick Cave tune, y'know? That's a good thing, by the way.

Worst Song -- No Dancing
Maybe the toughtest album yet to pick a "worst" from. Which makes sense with Smog, since it's all about that consistency. The combination just doesn't really do it for me here -- the metal-y guitar, the kids choir, the strings. The subtlelty is lost. Or something.

Previous Inductees
The Ramones, Ramones
Archers of Loaf, Vee Vee
Can, Monster Movie
The Fall, Grotesque (After the Gramme)
Bob Dylan, Desire
Beulah, When Your Heartstrings Break
The Wedding Present, Watusi
The Velvet Underground, The Velvet Underground and Nico

--DM--

SD's Official 10 Bands We Hate in 2006

It's been too nice around here lately. Time to get nasty. As we enter the second half of the year, it's finally clear who we despise. So here's SD's Official 10 Bands We Hate in 2006. If you like one of these bands, hey, nobody's perfect. If you like two of these bands, you might want to re-think a few things. If you like three of these bands, we're willing to make you a mix CD for a very reasonable price. If you like four or more of these bands, you probably got here by Google blog searching one of those bands. Nothing to see here, move along.

Anyway, in no particular order...

Stellastarr* -- Probably the worst offenders of over-stylized crap rock that somehow gets passed off as "indie" these days. I started finding Paul Shirley's columns far less entertaining after he talked about how much he loved this band. The whole thing was just tainted. And also, the gimmick sort of died once he wasn't in the NBA anymore, didn't they realize that?

Nelly Furtado -- We get it, we get it. You're a whore. You're loose, you're promiscuous and will probably have sex with anything that fits in your vagina. Wow, that was unnecessarily and unexpectedly graphic, wasn't it? That's not usually like us at SD. Apologies.

Architecture in Helsinki -- Proving that not just Canadians have bands with too many members who serve absolutely no purpose but to attempt to make uninteresting songs sound interesting by playing random instruments. Australia, we expect better from you.

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- For the record, I'd like to state that I was definitely among the first people to notice that Will Ferrell and Chad Smith are quite obviously long-lost brothers. It's truly frightening. But not as frightening as the fact that as I was reading the cover story in the recent Rolling Stone that it dawned on me that this band may very well be remembered as one of the top bands of my "generation" in 20 or 30 years. So very wrong.

Tilly and the Wall -- (Can't ... type. Gagging ... too ... fucking ... much. Stomach pains ... from so much ... gagging.)

Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins -- It seems we have quite an issue with the Saddle Creek-affiliated ladies. Do you blame us? I didn't think so.

Radio 4 -- OK, here's one we can all agree on. Right? Stylus's positive review of their record combined with the lukewarm-at-best review of the Camera Obscura record made it clearer than ever that bizarre, at-odds-with-the-rest-of-the-Internet reviews is their driving force.

Muse -- Certainly the most unlistenable band here. Consider them the Mohammed Atta of this list -- even more sinister and guilty. Most of these other bands, I can at least understand what the appeal might be. That's not the case here.

Mates of State -- Old reliables, a throwback to the college radio days of yore. One of those bands like Of Montreal that's not only still around, but actually fairly popular. Weird. And both bands play at the State Theatre when they come through town. I think that says a lot right there. Anyway, Mates of State give people who can't sing a bad name, which isn't cool.

Refugee All-Stars of Sierra Leone -- Yeah, real cool, your country people are still in living hell and you're "bringing the situation to the attention of the American public" but really just getting high with the hippies at Bonnaroo. Leave the subject of the plight of suffering Africans to the people who really know what's going on there -- Bono and Angelina Jolie.

--DM--