Soi Disantra

Witness? Sure, To a Shitty Performance

You know what? Fuck LeBron.

Seriously, fuck that guy. MZ was right (as always). All that fucking scowling, that posturing – what’s that? Quit chewing on yr finger nails every second you sit on the bench and maybe we’ll believe you’re something close to a tough guy. But here’s a surefire way to know that you’re not a tough guy – getting intimidated after a semi-hard foul by Brendan Haywood. Brendan Haywood! Now, we have a love/hate relationship with Brendan over here at SD. He means well, he tries hard – most of the time – but he’s just not that good. He slaps too much on defense, you could read an entire TMQ column in the time it takes him to get into his move in the post and he far, far, far too often opts for a fadeaway jumper instead of taking it to the hoop. And one thing he’s definitely not is intimidating. Do you remember the preseason fight a few years ago with the Bulls? Where he threw a punch and then high-tailed it down the court? But he was very nice to MZ when he came into the store and even signed something for me. And he’s always talking it up on the bench. He wants it.

Anyway, if he can intimidate LeBron, then the kid just ain’t there yet. Oh sure, there’s a good chance he’ll come back with 43-13-12 on Friday night, but still, the Wizards got into his head. They were all up in that thing. He was getting in the air without knowing what he was going to do with the ball, missing dunks, missing layups, passing when he should have been looking for his shot. I don’t care how wide open Anderson Varejao is (and he wasn’t), if there’s a 10-story tall painting of you outside the arena and people are getting t-shirts that say “Witness” on them because of you, you take that fucking shot.

So yeah, LeBron, until further notice, is a bitch. Stop scowling, stop biting your nails, stop complaining to the refs every time Jared Jeffries gets good position on you and draws a charge.

--DM

Adventures in Band Bios

Time for a new feature on SD, and one that doesn’t involve too much original content, so that’s good. Every so often we will take the best – and by best I of course mean absolute worst – band bios to appear on the Jammin’ Java Web site and post them for your enjoyment. For those unaware of Jammin’ Java, it’s a little club in a strip mall in Vienna that mostly books folky singer-songwriter stuff and bands trying to make it big on mainstream rock radio, like the next Nickelback or … man, I don’t even know. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to mainstream rock radio. That reminds me – Staind? Are they still around. I sure used that joke a lot back in the summer of whatever year that was. Anyway, I will XXX out the band names and band member names because I don’t want some angry self-Googlers harassing me like a bunch of fuckin’ Ed Konowalchuk and Terrence Trent Reznor fans. So without further ado, this week’s selections…

"Prior to XXX forming in 2005, they were formally known as XXX, a band who hit the scene hard in 1999 with a punk/reggae/rock sound. With some high profile gigs such as HFStival, under their belt, the rock quartet was touring extensively until a phone call changed the face of the band forever. XXX, the drummer, was asked to go on tour for a week filling in with XXX. That week turned into three months, and during his time apart from the band some serious soul-searching took place. They decided to reinvent themselves upon XXX’s return and the result of that is this new incarnation of the band, with a solidified new sound, refreshingly simple songs, and a new energetic identity- XXX!

XXX continues to impress both fans and critics alike with their excellence in musicianship and their unmistaken charisma and they are quickly developing a loyal following from a demographic that spans from those young and young at heart. Their memorable hooks and epic choruses will have you singing their tunes for days. Drawing inspiration from their 80's pop icons, they have created a perfect combination of captivating lyrics, catchy riffs, and sing-along melodies. They have received critical acclaim from local radio stations such as DC101 and were once again asked to share the stage at this year's HFStival alongside bands such as Coldplay, Foo Fighters, Good Charlotte, Sum 41 and Billy Idol. With their high-energy stage show, commercial appeal, and unrelenting determination, they are poised to become the next big thing."

Ah, very nice, very wonderful. But then, on the same bill…

"A young, talented, and charismatic five-piece band from the Washington DC area, XXX are completely redefining the global image of rock music - shattering stereotypes, making believers out of naysayers, destroying everything in their path, and acquiring legions of new fans every single step along the way. From winning every major music competition they’ve entered, to rocking crowds of 25,000+ people, to gaining major support from DC101 (one of the most influential radio stations in the country) -- XXX are easily shaping up to be one of the most exciting, talked about rock bands to hit the music scene."

So there you have it. Which one is better? Very tough to say. While serious soul-searching is always good, how can you not go with the band that is completely redefining the global image of rock music? I mean, they are making believers out of naysayers and destroying everything in their path. Clear winner.

--DM

They All Suck Except the Pistons and Spurs

I had a long and boring NBA playoff preview thing almost ready to go, but then the games actually started before I was done and Marc Stein, Michael Wilbon and Sports Guy said just about everything that needed to be said, although they all have their moments of flat-out wrongedness. Anyway, after watching at least a good majority of Game 1 of every series, most of what I expected to transpire has indeed transpired. You’ll just have to trust me. This will be a special “Everyone Sucks Except Detroit and San Antonio” Edition.

Detroit/Milwaukee
Since Rasheed Wallace and Richard Hamilton were on my fantasy team this year I watched more than my fair share of DEE-TROIT BASKET-BALL and they are as good as advertised. Yes, even though they somehow managed to lose to the Wizards thrice. They couldn’t have possibly played worse than they did in the first half of yesterday’s game and were still up by 6 at halftime. Why do the Bucks suck? Well, they are just a shitty team, plain and simple. A clueless coach, a best player who'd be the third best player on a championship team and a bunch of stiffs. The best reason to watch the Bucks is to see Toni Kukoc, that rare NBA player with a head of gray hair, and true to his age, he’s out with back spasms. The Bucks will be lucky to get within 10 points of the Pistons in any of these four games.

Cleveland/Washington
That was just a terrible performance by the Wiz. Not all that unexpected, but disappointing nonetheless. I was ready to doubt LeBron, but I guess a triple double in playoff game #1 is pretty swell. Still, if the fucking Wizards didn’t leave fucking Donyell Marshall open from the one fucking spot on the court from where it’s known he will drain 3s all fucking day, they might have had a shot. Even then, probably not. Whatever. It’s one game, and they did the same thing last year. LeBron is the Second Coming, obviously, but the rest of the team sucks. Larry Hughes will go down as one of the worst free agent signings in history as he finds new ways to break bones you've never heard of year in and year out. I’ve always been a Zydrunas Ilgauskas fan, and his playoff beard makes him look even more like an Eastern Bloc thug who will kill your family for a few hundred Euros, but if the Wiz had any semblance of interior defense they could neutralize him. Just spare us the whole Brendan Haywood ordeal and start Ruffin, please. I should take this time to note the much-improved play of late by Jared Jeffries, and I should also take this time to thank his mother for finally calling him and telling him to shave that beard. Speaking of Jared, the Wizards suck because they really, really need Jared Jeffries to play well to win. That's never good. Anyway, this series will go just like last year’s against the Bulls. Another loss, then four straight for the Wiz, as Antonio Daniels makes lots of important plays. Then they lose by an average of 17 in four games to Detroit.

New Jersey/Indiana
Washington, D.C.: Am I the only one not terrified of the Nets? Yes, they're playing great ball lately and have three top players, but there's no way they are in the same league as the Pistons and Heat (at least when it comes to the Wiz). I think the Wiz could give them a run for their money.

Michael Wilbon: I USED to think the Wizards could give the Nets a run, but that was before the Nets won 13 straight or 14 straight or whatever it was...The Nets, I think, can beat the Heat in the second round.

That was me who wrote that into Wilbon last Monday. He picked me, for once. Anyway, the Nets are quite overrated. They are basically a slightly better version of the Wizards, with three pretty excellent players and that’s about it. Shut up about Nenad Krstic, BV. Don’t even try it. Vince Carter is definitely one of my least favorite players, and I will always wish failure upon him. Jason Kidd’s a wifebeater and Richard Jefferson … well, he shouldn’t hang around such bad folks. The Pacers suck, too, obviously. They have many of my least favorite players (Jermaine O’Neal, Jamaal Tinsley, Peja, etc.), but they always hang tough and it wasn’t surprising to see them steal the first game. Nets in 7, but they’re still terribly overrated.

Miami/Chicago
Another one that went the way it should, with Chicago playing a good, scrappy game, but the Heat winning despite often looking disinterested. I guess starting with the Lakers a few years back, any team that Shaq on just seems to cruise along and try to turn it on only when it matters. This sort of sucks, therefore the Heat suck. They also suck because they have Alonzo Mourning, who deserves to be fouled very, very hard. You can't not love D-Wade, and I sometimes fall for Antione Walker and Jason Williams, but Pat Riley and his conniving trademarking doesn't sit well with me. Chicago will win at least one and maybe two games, depending on how hot guys like Luol Deng and Andres Nocioni get. But when it comes down to it they are depending on guys like Luol Deng and Andres Nocioni. Why does Chicago suck? Two words: Chris Duhon.

San Antonio/Sacramento
It was laughable that people thought Sacramento would give the Spurs some sort of contest in the first round. The Spurs played to about 70-75% of their ability this year and still won 60+ games. I do get the feeling they were sort of taking it easy like the old Lakers, but at least they had legit injury concerns. They don't suck at all. Tony Parker is my pick for Finals MVP, in a tricky bit of ABC synergy. The Kings suck becuse they're the Kings. Ron Artest didn’t even wait until the end of the series to get himself suspended for a game. Now it’s Bonzi Wells’ turn. The Spurs might ease up and give the Kings a game in Sacramento just so they get one more home game and all the concession sales that go with it, but that’s all.

Dallas/Memphis
I have a soft spot for this series since fantasy stalwarts Dirk Nowitzki and Pau Gasol go up against each other. The Grizzlies are a solid little team that would be the second best team in the East, but the Mavs are as close to the real deal as they’ll ever be, so the Grizz should take their one win that they’ll get in Game Four and be happy with it. The Mavs are obviously the team besides Pistons/Spurs that comes closest to not sucking, but they do count on Jerry Stackhouse, therefore they have a good bit of suck in them. Fuck that guy. As for the Grizz, I actually have come to not hate Shane Battier, so we'll give their token suckage to Chucky Atkins, who pouted through a couple months here in D.C. before finally being freed. Chucky's no Antonio Daniels, that's for sure. The Antonio Daniels bobblehead right next to me is nodding in agreement.

Denver/Los Angeles Clippers
MZ sure hopes the Clippers get eliminated early so she won’t have to deal with the Ugly in Stereo that is Sam Cassell and Chris Kaman, but that won’t happen. The Nuggets are lame, Carmelo Anthony somehow earned a rep for this great clutch shooter based on five fucking shots this year, and everyone is buying into it. Sample size, anyone? A shot’s a shot, whether it’s the end of the game or not. He missed what, three, in the final five seconds the other night? One of them an airball? Give me Sam Cassell taking that shot any day of the week. The Clippers are built for the playoffs as long as all eight of their main guys stay healthy, which is already questionably as perennial fantasy tease Vladimir Radmanovic is already banged up. Still, they should take care of the Nuggets in five then take care of the Suns, unless Mike Dunleavy and his bizarre wardrobe play too big a role. Then they will be crushed by the Spurs.

Phoenix/Los Angeles Lakers
Well, Kobe will score 50 next game even it takes him close to that many shots. Lots of people think that Lakers can pull the upset, but they will not, and really, they’ll be lucky to win one game. The Suns missed close to a dozen layups by my count the other day and still put up 106 points. The Lakers will not be able to score enough to keep up with them. They are depending on 15 points a game from Kwame Brown, for fuck’s sake. Give Kwame some credit for improving at the end of the year, but in the second half the other day he still looked like the scared little boy he’s always been. The Suns take it in five, but they’ll lose to a Clippers team that can score enough points to stay with them in the next round.

--DM